Two hours alone

Every afternoon I spend roughly two hours alone while the residents are getting ready for, eating supper, and participating in smoke break or other things that go on right afterwards.

Oh, I know I could go to the dining room and eat supper and be involved in all that. It's all right too. But I'd rather spend my time in bed, with my feet up, using my laptop and being entertained.

Therefore I get a drink at 4:30 p.m. and sometimes wait until after 6:30 p.m. to get my next one.

What do I do about dinner? I eat, but less. Sometimes I eat some of what's on dietary's supper menu. But most of the time I don't.

Doing this I have lost 65 pounds. I weighed 214 pounds when I came to this nursing home on September 24, 2010. Now I weigh 150 pounds. But it looks like I'm kind of stuck there. I have dropped another 3 pounds and gone down briefly to 147. But it seems inevitably it goes back up to 150. My goal was 140. Why can I not get there?

I think down deep I'm a little angry that I'm by myself for so long. I don't like being bothered. I don't want somebody in here every few minutes. But I would like to get a drink and I can't do that without assistance. Maybe it's just the idea of all of it. I think I'm a little nosy and like to know what's going on. In my room I am quite removed.

But, people in other circumstances than mine (living in a nursing home) might actually skip dinner and keep doing what they're doing until they stop, and then get something to eat. That's not ever my option. My day is pretty much like the day before. The menu changes but that's about it.

To me reading, writing, watching videos, or movies is preferable to eating something in the dining room I call "the great hall of the people".

Do I wish there was more staff (specifically aides) in my nursing home? I certainly do. I would like it if everyone did not feel rushed to get out of my room.

When I find an aide who wants to stay in my room and find things to do. I wonder what's wrong. In my nursing home years I have been accused of trying to detaining aides in my room by talking to them. I always wondered why directors of nursing never thought that an aide might like to spend time talking to a still relatively young woman who can actually put a sentence together and laugh at a joke. I guess they never thought about it.

It's hot in my room today. It's been unseasonably warm in this part of Ohio this week. It's supposed to reach a peak of 70° on Saturday. I'm sure we're in for it after that – weatherwise. But it does not look like it. Daytime highs in the 40s are due next week. Still, a therapist told me snow is due. I don't care it is February after all. I have seen some heyday storms at the end of February and in March.

So I have the air-conditioner on but not for very much longer. It gets really warm in this building when the sun comes around on the west side. It heats up just like a furnace. But as soon as the sun goes down, it cools. I know they still have a bit of heat on in the building. You can't really turn it off in February – not quite yet.

Maybe someday a robot can answer my call light or check on me. A robot will not have have any type of attitude. A robot will not be able to tell whether it's a long day or a short one. Do you suppose we would get tired of a robot always speaking to us in a monotone without an inflection?

I'm going back to my laptop. Most days I find some really good things there. Many days I just escape by reading a book.