Adjusting and learning about this facility

After my a.m. care, I decided to head down the hall to see what this nursing home is like at 9 AM. I found my nurse down the hall passing medicine. But she told me some of my meds are not in yet. But she's working on it.

We had a nice little conversation while I was waiting for her. They use laptops here to record their med pass. The aides have several stations where they use touchscreens to do their books. It is interesting watching them do it because it's very interactive. It's not like using a keyboard. I really had no idea what type of system they used site is one to do their documentation. It was kind of fun to watch.

For a while I just went down the hall. I would talk with nurses and other members of the team as they moved around the building. Then I rode to the end of the other wing. I sat there for a while looking out the window. All of a sudden I felt disoriented, I've done this at two different nursing homes. I took off by myself, rode around, and at some point felt like I was lost. Somehow, I remembered that all I had to do is turn and go back to the nurses station which is in the center of things.

Before lunch Anna/admissions offered to take me outside to get some fresh air. I told her that was the thing I missed most at my former facility. I seldom got out on the non-outing day. It's lovely around here and she said there are lots of deer. They have a big salt lick near a gazebo in the wooded area. She said to frequently look out the windows and full-length doors because deer are visible often.

Later as I made another pass from the end of the hall where my room is and headed to the other wing's glass door I saw an older fawn run quickly  past the door.

I got to meet the nurse practitioner and he did a bit of an exam. I also met the dietary manager and she told me about the menu. I'm on a regular diet. They don't have 1500 or 1600 calorie diets here. She told me they monitor my weight. I said I want to keep track of what I eat. So I will need to plan to eat less of the meal. I do not need to eat over 2000 calories a day.

Then I went down to the dining room to eat lunch I really enjoyed talking with Jordan/aide who fed me lunch. She told me the activities here. I learned how the beauty shop queue works.

Then this afternoon I told the occupational therapist that my medical bed looks strange. The bed was higher at the bottom then it was at the top, which I know shouldn't happen. I thought they misplaced a motor driveshaft when the bed was put together. One of the maintenance men, took a look, figured it out, and put the driveshaft in the right spot, and it's working fine again.

I'm surprised and glad that I've had to push – to keep writing these blogs.

Moving day

It's hard moving out of a nursing home after involuntary discharge. I know, because I have done it twice. The first time was devastating. And in the deal I lost the private room I had for almost 15 years.

But this time, I lost a home and friends that I had gotten used to. It's probably not where I would rather have been.  But I got comfortable with it. The big problem was in the last four years I seldom get out of the facility with friends or family, or others. That was the game changer. That made living at that nursing home more difficult for me.

I never was really outdoorsy but I enjoyed being outdoors and liked to get sun in the summertime. When I was younger I always had a tan, and enjoyed laying out. But living at this most recent nursing home, made it difficult to get out into the sun regularly., The last time I got a suntan was three years ago. I know sunshine improves my mood.

The facility was also locked. Many of the residents had behavior problems and some would be incarcerated if it wasn't for their health issues. So it was a learning experience, I learned to appreciate others in a different way. But I also learned a type of fear I had never felt except inside that nursing home.

Today was a production. But the nursing home folks got me going and on the road to my destination early. The staff ALL OF THEM worked hard. The irony was that nursing home stored things in their basement, I asked them to throw away. They brought ALL OF IT with my necessary things today. I gave a few things to the staff who helped, someone to a thrift shop, and some was thrown out.

I got rid of lot things that were packed without me sorting first. I am, in earnest, learning to downsize my life. It's hard for me because I cannot look in cabinets by myself to see what I have. But I'm reforming and in the future will strive to purchase less and live with less.

Today I wheeled around this nursing home most of the day. My sister ordered in pizza and ate at a table in the large sitting room upfront. It was really nice to be in a quiet environment. That's what I was striving for at the other nursing home. But, the residents there were usually noisy.

It's nighttime and my usual bedtime. But, because I'm new, and night shift aides arrive at 10 p.m.

I wonder if it will be hard to wake up in a strange place.

Day 7 – after hearing decision – a busy day

The day before a move is always strange. There is anticipation and fear. I always hoped I had everything together as I needed it to be. And yet, I always knew that if I thought so, I was fooling myself.

At midmorning we started going through the remainder of the stuff – way too much of it – that was still in the basement. I tried to pare down the stored clothing as much as I could. I think much of it I had really no intention of ever wearing. I just did not want to donate it to the nursing home. The reason was: I did not want to see gifts and clothing I bought because I thought it was cute being worn by another resident. I know that silly but not to me. It was okay to get rid of it when I knew I would not be here to see someone elsewhere it.

The one good, surprising thing this morning was that the housekeeper who has been helping me found my medical bed crank in the basement. That was divine Providence definitely. Early this morning we had a brief power failure. They could not adjust my medical bed because there was no power. Without a crank, I had to lie right where I was. Now, at least, I will have a crank to take with me.

After lunch, my sister showed up and surprised me. She and I started going through already sorted through clothing with a vengeance. I told her to find a reason to donate clothing items. She got rid of a lot of things that I wanted to get rid of yesterday. We took a brief break and she took those items and donated them to a nearby church thrift shop.

When she returned, she went through the clothing in my closet. I got rid of things that were not up to par, slightly worn or stained and it all got donated. We got everything out of the closet except what .I'm wearing tomorrow. I got rid of three pairs of shoes. I also got rid of some quite worn washcloths I have for my personal use.

Then, my sister helped me have a little respite of hummus and chips and a salad with some chicken. I didn't eat much because the cold is making it rough to enjoy food because I'm stuffed up. But it was nice to eat something different with family.

There is still lots to do. Everything in my white cabinet has to be boxed to go to the other nursing home. But, I know how to prioritize and can put most of the things I use every day together easily. I always keep extra bags and totes (cloth ones). So, I'm hoping it will be fairly easy. If I'm allowed to observe the packing, I can get rid of things that I no longer need or want, which will make it easier on those doing the moving.

On the sly, I might even be able to give out some little niceties to my favorite staff, when my not so favorite ones aren't looking.

Ironically, getting rid of things has made me feel like I'm getting rid of years I no longer have to hold onto.

Day 6 – after hearing decision – things get moving

Today, after breakfast, I was told that I will be moving out on August 30 instead of August 31. I was not really happy with that news. That means my sister and I do not get to go out on Wednesday. Instead, she will have to go with me, or follow me, as I move to the other nursing home. I wonder if someone planned that. I'm supposed to be leaving at 9:30 a.m. which will be difficult to do because I'm not usually ready by that time. I hope they will give me a little bit of leeway.

I was told a housekeeper would help me get my things together today and tomorrow. I said I wanted to sort through my belongings first before she packed them. I found way too many fleece throws that I've purchased over the years. The ones I don't want will be donated somewhere.

They found my mattress in the basement. But, it is not still in the wrapper and I don't know why. I've never used it. But I'm still trying to sell it or maybe donate it somewhere.

The housekeeper and I went through clothing from the basement. I found things that I sorted to donate here years ago. Somehow, nobody marked it and they just held it in the basement for me. It was fun to get rid of  older clothing, that's too big, and the out of date, worn looking clothing. Cleaning out things makes me feel more free.

We went through more clothing and I found things I have not seen for two years. I never know how that happens, I just know that it does.

The housekeeper found my old memory foam manual wheelchair cushion. But, she could not find my newest gel pad that I used from 2015 until I got a new power chair in June 2016. I just wonder where it went because it was in this room in the closet on the other side for a while last year, and early this year.

There was a box in the basement with garbage bags, a big bottle of hand soap pour a pumper, in the thermos I bought try to assure I can always have hot tea, anytime. Unfortunately, that did not work out.

They are unable to find my safe, which contained all my over-the-counter meds when I came here. I think the reason it's gone is because one of the nurses lost the combination or the key to it, and it was no longer any good to anyone. They probably just got rid of it.

I told the housekeeper she can have my shredder which is in the basement. I also gave her one of my T-shirts that I was never particularly fond of, after I'd worn it once.

That housekeeper and I have a lot of history here. I came in 2010 and she started working in 2011. We've had a pretty good working relationship ever since. I will miss her.

Day 5 – after hearing decision

It's a day when I felt very frustrated. I could do nothing myself to get my things together or help to organize the move. I don't know if anyone understands how that bothers me. It's not just the control issue. It's letting everybody else do everything, and make all the decisions, that upsets me.

It was hard to concentrate on anything. The nursing home was shortstaffed again with the same aide doing a "no call, no-show". So, we had a night shift aide stay over until 9 AM or so, and then he left. There were two after that. For some reason these two had trouble getting their stuff done. One is a pretty good worker. But, I don't know what's wrong with the other one. Perhaps she went to the bar last night, hoisted a few, and was feeling the effects this morning. She was kind of belligerent which is the way some folks react to alcohol.

But she was okay this morning. This afternoon however, degenerated down to a lackluster performance. It is very nerve-racking when there are only two aides. We don't have the nurses who are dynamic working this shift on this weekend. In fact, not many of the nurses voluntarily do more than a nurse is supposed to.

I had to watch all this and try to feel good about it anyway. Then, we have an 86-year-old male resident who has sepsis in his leg and will not let the nurses, or anyone, do anything about it. He will not take antibiotics or any other medicine either. He's old, in pain, and mad as hell and won't to take it anymore.

He was pounding on his door and I was afraid he was going to injure his hands. Then, I thought maybe they had him locked in the aides' room. That gave me pause. I thought they might be doing it for his own protection. Luckily, I discovered he was pounding on the door of his private room. He probably asked maintenance to fix the door months ago and maybe they did. But, it may still be broken again. That's what happens in older nursing homes with older doors, etc.

After lunch I had to wait an eternity to get to go to the bathroom. I have a cold and either the zinc lozenges or the virus is causing me to have stomach cramps. I needed to get to the bathroom in a hurry – and the aides couldn't get me there quick enough. I had an accident which I was embarrassed about. Then, I was taken to task for being upset about it.

Since I was staying in my room, I just wanted to throw a blanket over my legs and get set up at my desktop. But, my nurse said, "Not on my watch". They got a clean pair of slacks and put them on, which was okay. I was just trying to save them work, because I was going to lie down in a little over an hour.

I wonder it when I go to this other nursing home if I can trade services from aides. For instance, tonight my diaper was rubbing my left groin and hurting really badly. Pulling up and down on it sometimes helps. But it didn't this evening. I bargained with the aide feeding me. I told her I would give up eating the crackers I had to calm my stomach and just eat the dried fruit – a small amount – if she'd fix my diaper instead of feeding me.

She did fix the diaper. But I stuck to my deal and only ate the dried fruit. I told them sometimes I need to have the most important thing fixed first. I can let less important things, like eating, go.

My temperatures is a bit elevated this evening. No one has taken it in quite a long time. They don't even take it once a month. I find that interesting.

I'm heading online to find a way to entertain myself. It may be reading the New York Times which I didn't get to today. Or, there might be some other mind confection available that will cause me to feel better about life.

Day 4 – after hearing decision

Today, the fact that I am moving in a few days, hit me. It was really hard to sit at my desktop computer trying to accomplish something, when I think I should be going through my things. However, the staff are supposed to help me on Monday and Tuesday, says Roberta/nurse manager.

In fact, on this Saturday, we had a "no call, no-show". So, we only had two aides instead of the usual three. A night shift aide stayed until about 9 AM to get the residents through breakfast. Then she left.

I tried to be "all calm" about the whole thing. I really hate the staffing here. But I hated the staffing at my previous nursing home also. At the end of summer, nursing home aides do not want to work. So, sometimes they call off. We had an aide working here who also worked at another nursing home. She only could get part-time hours there, so she worked here to fill in her schedule. However, she was clear that this facility paid less. I always wondered if that was true. I thought she should have just called in and quit. It's never nice to leave anyone, especially coworkers, hanging.

I didn't really work on my lists. I checked to see what type of mattress is in the basement. It's a foam hospital bed mattress that probably cost between $70 and $100, and I got it free supposedly. I have to figure out what to do with it, or possibly sell it.

Then, I looked at four new casters for my shower chair. I found a different style and four of them cost approximately $60. I don't know if they will work with this shower chair or not. But they are the same ones I bought for a previous shower chair I had when I came here. They are rubber and rolled well enough.

I'm also not feeling well. It started the night of the nightmare with chills and dizziness. Yesterday, my throat was scratchy. I took zinc lozenges for it because they really help a sore throat. Some say they shorten the length of a cold also.

But, I can tell I'm kind of dragging. I've had pneumonia several times in August, and I'm concerned about that right now. I emailed my sister and she told me "not to get sick". I'm going to try. But, there isn't much I can do other than, try to eat some, drink fluids, and take the zinc.

I think my immunity was compromised as soon as I read the hearing officer's decision on Tuesday in an email. I don't know what I could have done to prevent that. I had to read it. I could not ignore it.

So, tonight I'm going to take it easy and try to entertain myself with something interesting online. That may get my mind off the upcoming move, at least for a little while.

Day 3 – after hearing decision

Last night was a dastardly one for a gentle sleep. Maybe it's because I ate dietary's Italian sausage on bun and three waffle fries. Whatever it was that caused it, I had an awful dream. I was myself (disabled) and out with my friend Angela. We were at this long ago motel restaurant in our hometown. I was talking away and all of a sudden I looked up and Angela was gone.

While I was looking for her, I ran into another, more recent friend, and was quite upset by his appearance. Mike's a lanky 6'4" guy who's on the slim side. But, in the dream, he looked like he had gained 20 or 30 pounds. His face was round and he was pudgy. Mike has had heart trouble and I was immediately concerned. I started giving him a sermonette about getting back into shape and off the steroids that were fattening him up. I was so engrossed in the conversation with him, that I forgot about Angela.

Then, I suddenly moved away from Mike with a faceless, nameless person I couldn't see and was not conscious of. We were in to a larger city. It looked like New York City. But, since I'm from Ohio, I thought it was Columbus. We were going down the street and I could not see who my companion was. Suddenly, someone yelled, Drive-By Shooting. I could not move. Even though I was frozen in place in a power chair, the four bullets from the gun missed me. I was very frightened when they whizzed by. It felt so realistic. I wonder where my brain got those images that looked so real . I have never been shot at. I have watched movies and TV shows where actors were. But, I still have such a realistic view of that dream, even now.

I woke up breathing hard and my heart was beating wildly. I was also really out of it. It might've been an apnea episode since I felt lightheaded and dizzy. I could very easily have dropped back off to sleep. But, I needed to stay awake, because I get medicine every morning at 4:30 am.

Compared to last night's dream, today was mild. There was no brass here on this almost the end of August summer day. It was a bit chilly out, though sunny. I would have liked to have been out in it sitting in the sun, getting brown, and feeling the sun's hug.

I've done little today. I added a few obvious things to the moving "do something with" list. Early this morning, I remembered I have a (never been used) foam medical mattress, in the basement. It came with my medical bed four years ago. I need to decide what to do with it and also whether I'm taking my bedside commode with me.

It's amazing how difficult it is to make a list of my possessions. Perhaps we should all keep a list. Then, when we get rid of something, we can scratch it off. It might be wise to pull it out every time we think we want some new thing to put in our living space.

Suffice it to say, that my mood is probably the same as the tumultuous one in last night's bad dream.

Day 2 – after hearing decision

I have a lot of trepidation in the morning. Its hard to feel good about management and staff here after enduring the hearing about the involuntary discharge recently. I feel they've wanted me out of here for months. That idea overwhelms me when I first wake up each morning.

But, today I tamped it down and decided I was going to go about my business. I'm making plans to move. I'm making lists of what I own, what I want to get rid of, and what I need to move. I want to get rid of whatever I can that is not necessary. That means I have a few things that can go.

I'm trying to be even tempered with the aides. I remember from seven years ago some of the aides at my previous nursing home had mixed feelings about me leaving. I don't think some of them liked it. But, there were others, who said nothing. I'm sure some thought I might be happier somewhere else. Though, happiness is relative.

In the middle of my morning at my desktop PC, Roberta/nurse manager came in to offer me a couple of other nursing home placement options. I sort of wondered why she was doing that. I'm supposed to go to a nursing home in the smaller bedroom community. I wondered if there was something up with that. I wondered why she was looking elsewhere. She said she wanted to give me a choice. I told her she would have to choose because she knows nursing homes in the area better than I do.

That's when she mentioned one in the small town a bit north from here. Even though she knew I did not want to go farther north, and said she would get back with me. For some reason she was talking up a different nursing home.

Thinking about all of this, I ate some of a rather lackluster lunch of soupy meatloaf and waxy scalloped potatoes.

Then, when I was riding in my power chair near my room, Roberta/nurse manager came up to talk to me again. She said that the first nursing home in the bedroom community 40 miles south has decided they cannot accept me because they're being sold. Roberta mentioned another nursing home in the small town about 20 miles north. But Roberta gave me the wrong name. It sounded like the nursing home that a part-time dayshift a works at (her second job). I thought it would be good to go where I knew at least one person.

Roberta said I can have a staff person Monday and Tuesday to help me go through things here and get them packed. My sister visits from Florida on Wednesday and I'm hoping things will be okay so I can enjoy the visit. If not, he will have to sort, pack, and order in.

Roberta said I will be moved Thursday, August 31. Facility staff will take me and I get to go in my own van. I told her my minivan would hold a few things.

When I emailed my sister the news, she called earlier this evening to tell me that Roberta had given me the name of two different nursing homes in the town north of here. She said I should email Roberta/nurse manager and I'm waiting for the reply.

My sister did say the nursing homes in that town of little over 10,000 souls, look good on their websites.

Day 1 – after hearing decision

It's been an interesting day and not a sad one. It does seem like some of the staff are kind of goading me. I know I got insider information about the hearing decision. I really think the mailed notice will take longer to get here. But I'm proceeding anyway.

When I got on my desktop PC there was a call from Legal Aid. I called them and they returned my call. They said if the nursing home set up another place for me to go, there is not really much they can do. Although, there is a process in my state. But it would be more easily done if I could afford to hire an attorney. I could have afforded an attorney seven years ago and couldn't find one who would take my case. I guess no one must ever fight in negative involuntary discharge hearing decision. I haven't given up. I'm just waiting for the actual hearing decision document. I went to see what it says. The logic of it will be interesting.

So, I emailed Roberta, the nurse manager here, to see what she would charge for a staff person to help me for a couple of days with sorting through my things. I told her I would like to get rid of things and need some assistance. I said if she cannot provide it then I will have to look outside the facility either for volunteers or hire someone to assist me.

Roberta did come down and said she wanted to know how I knew the outcome of the hearing. I told her the ombudsman emailed me. Roberta said not want this move to be horrible. I'm trying to understand her perspective. She says I can get a couple of days from her most organized housekeeper. She says all of them will help me move in all the vehicles they have. She said that's what the owner agreed to. I have no idea why they're doing this.

I told my aides on dayshift this morning that I'm moving. I told them I don't want to but I'm going because that's what I have to do. One of them thinks I will like the bedroom community nursing home. She said her mother is a mail carrier and delivers mail to that nursing home. Well, I hate to say I've heard similar comments, about my first nursing home. Everybody has their own idea of what a good nursing home looks like.

Then, I worked on my freelance writing this morning because writing gives me joy, even when it's difficult. It seems to be something I can control, at least most of the time. Usually I can get my words to sound better just by thinking in a different way. I wish life could be that easy.

This afternoon, I made lists of what I have, what I know I bought, what I no longer need, and what I want to get rid of. There is also the goodie pile "the donation pile". I need to figure out whether I should just donate, or try to sell some things. I sort of feel badly about selling things. But, I'm going to think about it. Maybe I can make enough to pay for a dinner out, gasoline, or something.

I think I bought many things here trying to to make myself feel more at home. I didn't do that at my first nursing home. I think this hoarding thing, or keeping everything thing, comes from being cut down on space and feeling confined. I think I wanted to go against the norms, in order not to feel typical. And buying particular things is a statement.

Maybe I'm getting mentally healthier by making plans. It's something that helps me feel more organized in life.

Not the hearing decision I wanted

I got the news this morning. It wasn't totally unexpected. But, I was really hoping that I would prevail at the hearing. There is an appeals process after this, but it's kind of complicated. It involves going to court. I would have to file for indigent status so that I can get a public defender. Then, there's a lot of paper signing and notarizing to be done. A judge would decide whether I would get a public defender. I don't even know if it would stop me from moving. So, I do have to consider the move.

I did reach out to the other nursing home which is about thirty miles away. I don't really want to go there. But I may have to. Sometimes I feel it's not really safe here. I think they're trying hard to get rid of me and I think they've lost all objectivity about it. I do not want to say that they are frightening me unnecessarily, but that's happening.

I have to figure out what I actually have here that I need to get rid of and then do it. I've been trying for years but I think that's part of the system. Keep you wanting and keep you where you are. When they get the idea that you have the wanderlust, they want to try to stop it, until they don't. I guess they decided I'm a little bit too much trouble. I thought I was a good resident to have. I'm helpful, smart, and I have a lot of great ideas. But no one would want me as their nemesis, and I'm sure this facility doesn't either.

So, I'm calling on friends for spiritual support and prayers. It will take a lot of positive energy projected in the universe to help me make this transition. I don't think anybody realizes how hard it is to move to another nursing home. I think it must be a lot like being a prisoner of war. When I came here, I felt like I had no identity, except as a negative entity.

The only good thing about all of this is it gives me plenty of blog material. I can just write away about what happens to me. Yes, this happened almost seven years ago to the day. I got my first Involuntary Discharge Notice on August 18, 2010. I lost at the hearing and was out of that nursing home by September 24, 2010.

It felt like my whole world blew up. And, it no doubt did. But I also learned that I survived and learned how to thrive again. I've gone through a lot of injustice here and negligence, if not all out abuse, and I got through it. It's made me stronger and wiser.

I am determined to fight while I'm here to get what I think is necessary to have a productive life.

I think the only thing I need in life is a goal. Then, I just have to move hell to get to it.

Waiting with the call light on…

It happened again and it happens once in a while. Yesterday morning I was put in the bathroom before 7 AM. I'm always careful to put the call light on so my day shift aide does not have to wait for me..

I was pretty sure the call light went on at 7:05 a.m. Ten minutes later no one had come to answer it. I wondered what was going on. I had a feeling one of the aides called off, or was coming late. On the weekends we only have three aides anyway. So, if one of them calls off, it can be a challenge. Usually, one of the aides steps up and helps out.

When I was sitting for what I thought was fifteen minutes (with no clock or watch to check), I started getting concerned. I thought maybe there was a problem with one or more other residents.

I listened for what I could hear. The female resident in the next room had her radio or CD player on, which made hearing difficult. I heard no nurse closing med cart drawers passing medicine. Nor, did I hear anything else.

It was just so strangely and deadly quiet.

When I realized it was probably twenty minutes since I put my call light on, I considered calling "NURSE" to try to get some attention. But, I was afraid the aides would think I was exhibiting a behavior. So, I sat quietly. I tried to pray to keep me occupied, but it didn't work very well.

The minutes ticked by, and I didn't know what to think. I realized if an aide did not get to the bathroom until 7:40 a.m., or so, there would not be enough time to get me washed up and ready to go to breakfast at 8 AM.

At one point while I was waiting, I heard the door to my room open and close. I thought it was an aide coming to check on me. I thought I heard voices, but then I heard nothing. I figured maybe my roommate just walked out of the room and closed the door.

About five minutes later an aide came in. She was followed by my aide who got to work late due to car trouble. I was upset. I wondered why no one had helped me, or even started my washup. Then, I asked if they wanted to put me back in bed. The nurse acted perplexed, like she hadn't even considered that, and I dropped it.

Because I was upset, the aides got the nurse who supervised and assisted with my abbreviated washup. They washed only vital parts that they felt needed it. Then, the nurse assisted my aide to dress me and comb my hair. I was transferred into my power chair and headed to breakfast.

They had done things so quickly my head was spinning. I was upset, and distressed at being left, or maybe forgotten. But I dropped it.

I guess I can never adequately explain how terrified I felt waiting in that bathroom with my call light on.

Will I have to move?

Though I don't really want to think about it, I know maybe tomorrow, or the next day, I could get the hearing decision. The hearing officer could find in the facility's favor and I would have to move to another nursing home.

The discharge date on the 30 day Involuntary Discharge Notice is August 30, 2017. But, sometimes you can negotiate with the facility to move at a more convenient time. However, sometimes you can't.

I can't really live in the future. But, I would have liked to have cleaned out some of my things, before I have to move. I was able to do that when I was involuntarily discharged from my previous facility. It's hard to do after living somewhere for years. Things build up, and pile up, and unfortunately, things get out of hand.

I don't really want to think about moving. The facility assures me I will not have to pay to move. But my sister had to pay the last time. I had to hire someone to help me pack and my sister and a couple of friends were able to help me free gratis. Now, my sister does not live close. I don't even know if she would be willing to come and stay here for a couple of days to help me get moved. I no longer have the financial resources to hire things done. Even back then, my sister would not let me reimburse her for the movers she hired to move my things to a storage unit, 80 miles from where I live now.

It's so hard to think about these things right now. Involuntary discharge seems so upsetting that I can't even hardly think about it. After the last hearing, at my previous facility, the hearing decision came about a week later. But, it was a different hearing officer and a different county in the same state.

I wanted to go to the Common Pleas Court back then and get a stay so that I would not have to move. But, I did not know how to go about it. I also could not find an attorney to represent me. Each attorney I called said they were connected with the prosecutor's office and therefore could not enter into a lawsuit against a state government entity. I never thought about asking the Court about procedure to get legal representation. It just seemed as though I couldn't fight it. Then, I proved that was right by not even trying.

I've already asked the ombudsman what the process is if I lose the hearing. She says I contact the County Common Pleas Court, and I must plead indigence to get a court appointed attorney. I don't suppose that's something I can do ahead of time.

My sister thinks I should just move if that's the hearing officers finding. My friend from church visited yesterday and she said if you lose the hearing, then maybe God wants you to do something else.

Maybe that's a good way to look at it. Looking at it as a spiritual assignment, could have an upside. But, right now, I'm just sad, and it all just seems to be too much.

Beth was really talking…

I've written here previously about a young female resident here who is very quiet. In fact, some days she is barely animated. I wonder if she suffers from aphasia. But, since no one may tell us a resident's diagnosis, I have no idea what her problem is. Some of it could be medication. Unfortunately, it could be due to the fact that she was not stimulated enough at a previous facility. That would be particularly heartbreaking to me.

I have been sitting close to her and I will call her by her name, Beth since March of this year. I have to say it's been hard watching her. In the beginning she had to be fed. She also has to drink many liquids to keep her kidneys functioning properly. It was difficult to watch the process. Then, a couple of months ago an aide encouraged her to eat her food herself. And for some reason, Beth decided to. She's been feeding herself ever since.

Some days it's more difficult for Beth to eat, particularly when she's tired. She also has intermittent episodes of rapid eye movement while her eyes are open. To me, this looks like a seizure. But, I have no idea what is going on when it happens.

Beth is a good eater and likes most foods, even though her foods are puréed to prevent her from choking.

Today was just another day, but Beth was a bit less animated. She had a messy sandwich to eat and her aide was assisting so the sandwich wouldn't end up everywhere. Beth was stalling at times and acting like she wasn't paying very much attention. But, when encouraged, she would go back to eating.

Ruby a resident (not her real name) is a former nurse and she is very concerned about everyone at our table. She sits directly across from Beth and is usually checking up on how she's doing. Ruby wants to help but really can't and the staff don't want her to. Nevertheless, she asks way too many questions and checks up on Beth even when she doesn't remember her name.

At lunch Ruby picked up Beth's tray card and was reading it. She read the name out loud and thought it was my name. I tilted my head towards Beth to let her know it was her name. Then, Ruby just kept saying Beth's name (first and last) over and over. It was starting to get a bit tedious and her aide asked her to please try to stop.

While that same aide was assisting Beth to drink her liquids, all of a sudden Beth said, "Ta da! I'm here. I was somewhere else, but now I'm here, back here". Then Beth repeated it over and over while smiling. Ruby with her reduced memory even noticed that Beth was making a big to do.

In the months I've been sitting at Beth's table, she is never smiled. We all smiled when we heard her her respond without anger, and because we thought she was trying to be funny or maybe just cantankerous.

Cheeseburgers at 2 PM

I haven't had a real deal cheeseburger in years. The truth is I stopped eating them. When the cheese on them bothered my belly, I gave them up.

I haven't eaten a burger with cheese at this nursing home in the last four years. I also don't get them when I go out. There are just so many other foods I'd rather eat. I always enjoy salad and hope when I go out the produce will be fresh. Since the salads here are small, going out for one is a treat.

Despite, how large, or small, lunch is, an hour and a half later, the residents have their snack. They usually eat snack foods, like cakes, candy or cheese curls, since some residents need soft foods for their lack of teeth or neurological problems.

On this particular day lunch was a turkey and cheese wrap, with little turkey and cheese. It what have been better with shredded lettuce on it. There was also a tomato and cucumber salad with vinaigrette dressing and a small pie tart with tapioca and whipped topping. It was a light lunch on a warm, humid day.

After lunch I was back in my room working away on my desktop. My aide knocked and said the facility was treating us to McDonald's double cheeseburgers at snack time. She wondered if I wanted one. I thanked her and told her I didn't.

I thought maybe this was some special event. But the facility does this periodically. They usually pick a reasonably priced McDonald's sandwich or treat and provide it free for the residents, on no particular schedule. I'm sure the residents were pleased.

But I was thinking about it. Is it really such a good idea to give these residents, many of whom are overweight, such a calorie laden snack? I know it's a treat, and it doesn't happen often. But, I really think that another summer treat would have been better. What about old-fashioned big watermelons cut up for the residents to eat? Some type of ice cream snack (frozen hard) would have been good also. The ice cream would've had less fat than the double cheeseburger.

Oh, I guess I should just be quiet. I'm sure the residents appreciated an unexpected snack. My roommate must've found it filling because she skipped dinner last night.

Touchpad trouble causes an aide walkout

This morning when my aide "J" set me up at my desktop. my touchpad when work properly. I have no idea why this happens, but it does every now and then. I asked "J" to unplug the touchpad and replug it. But, that didn't help. I told her I would have to do something else so that I could get the touchpad to work. After all, I use Dragon speech recognition software which allows me to dictate and do voice commands on my desktop PC. I need to have the touchpad work properly. I also have never used Dragon to navigate completely by voice.

But even though I needed "J's" assistance to shut down my PC to try to get the touchpad working, she did not want to help me. "J" said it was working some and she walked out. The pointer was moving a bit but it was very difficult to control.

When an aide walks out, it just feels like abandonment. I wanted so to cry. But I knew that would do me in emotionally and I also would not get my touchpad working. So, I sniffed and straightened up. Using my thumb I was able to maneuver the pointer to open a user file for Dragon so it could be used.

Then, I put my call light on, and wondered if I get an aide who was more willing to help me, and who that would be.

I waited there praying that a different aide would come in.

A few minutes later JJ came in, and asked what I needed. I told her I was having trouble with my touchpad. I asked her if she would be willing to unplug the touchpad and clean the USB port on my tower and the plug for the touchpad. Surprisingly, she agreed, and JJ got an electric wipe and cleaned both of them off. When she re-plugged the touchpad, it worked. I thanked her immensely for her assistance.

"J" did not come back to check on me until an hour or so later. I guess maybe that was okay because she was not in a great mood this morning anyway.

Maybe "J" asked JJ to come and assist me if I had trouble with my desktop PC. Sometimes, one aide is better dealing with certain issues than others.

As the hours tick by…

It all comes down to what one man, the Administrative Law Judge decides after he reads all the evidence exhibits from yesterday's hearing.

Though I watched his face carefully, I'm not quite sure what he was thinking. At one point, I thought he felt beleaguered at the numerous allegations by the nursing home. But then, he did ask me if I would be willing to be pushed in my power chair if necessary. I did, however, have to tell him that if I do not operate the power chair, I would lose my function in my hand to do so. I remembered I went several months in 1998 being pushed in my manual chair because my older power chair died. But I was younger then, and had more function. Nevertheless, at the age of fifty, it was difficult to get used to operating a power chair when I got a new one.

To me, being involuntarily discharged to another nursing home because I'm considered a danger here, will have a negative impact on me. But, I wonder if the hearing officer wonders if I might be experiencing retaliation here because the facility wants me involuntarily discharged. If I were him, hearing what I heard, I would wonder about it also.

Down deep he will have to consider what's best for the facility and for me. I was somewhat surprised that in July the facility wanted me admitted to the psych unit at the local hospital, and intended to involuntarily discharge me from there. But, my psychiatrist felt what the facility wanted to do would be quite detrimental to me. The psychiatrist meant the psychiatric unit would be a big change for me. Also, psychiatric units usually do not have sufficient staff to care for quadriplegics. I learned that when I was a psychiatric unit patient. But, I'm sure he also thought if I were involuntarily discharged from the psych unit it would be devastating to me as well.

The last time I was in a psych unit was in 2003. After that, my previous facility never tried to send me again. I think they realized how traumatic those psych unit stays were four me.

As the hours tick by, it just feels like demons are circling and preparing to scream at me. Some of my friends and family May think it's almost over. But but I wonder what's over? Is my period of living at this facility about to be over? I don't know if that is a victory. It did not feel like a victory when I was involuntarily discharged here seven years ago. The only positive back then was that I was leaving behind those who made allegations about me. It was healing to me that they could never do it again. But, I also knew, that when I arrived here a whole different staff whose would be writing in my chart while they did right, as well as what I did wrong – in great detail.,

I remember some people used to think that God Keeps a big book on each of us. He writes down the good things we do, and also the bad.

It was interesting that during the facility's testimony yesterday a nurse manager read a chart note "Kathy gets along well with residents". After all the allegations I wondered why they chose to read that document.

I don't envy the hearing officer his decision. I would not want to make a decision based on the testimony given yesterday.

Accusations abound

Last night I woke from a nightmare where my dad and I were yelling at each other. Since my father has been dead for thirty-five years, I wondered if I was getting a message from him. In the dream, I told him about the involuntary discharge hearing and what facility management might accuse me of at the hearing. He and I were discussing it back and forth. My dad was striving, as usual, to give other accusations the facility might use, in order that he would sound worse to me than management ever could. My dad was really hurting me with his very on target accusations. In the dream, I start yelling at him to stop saying such awful things because they sounded worse coming from him than from facility management.

I woke with that dream (maybe nightmare) replaying in my mind this morning. As I entered the hearing room I was trying to get a sense of the room. I didn't feel any negative vibrations, which surprised me. I do seem to feel negative vibrations frequently coming from others. The people there seemed disinterested, at least on the outside.

It's not easy sitting and listening listening to accusations about me being piled one upon the other, like so many rocks. They say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But words can hurt, as their words hurt me this morning. Coming from the lips of another, I sounded nothing like the person I feel I am. Have I changed since I came here almost seven years ago? I'm sure I probably have. I wonder how much I've changed since I moved to a nursing home over twenty-one years ago. How much of the essential me have I lost? How much nicety have I given up?

I realize taking care of over forty dissimilar residents with cognitive impairments living together in this facility isn't easy. But, what is the alternative? If I am a menace, isn't everyone here one?

The Administrative Law Judge took many documents as evidence exhibits. Because there were so many, which he must read, he says his decision will not be ready tomorrow.

The ombudsman told the Administrative Law Judge the facility did not meet their burden of proof with what was presented. They had no documented proof I was a danger: there was no evidence that I injured anyone or that I destroyed or damaged their property. They also showed no special preventative measures they took to ensure the safety of individuals in this facility.

I told the judge that I voluntarily lowered the speed on my chair to 3 so that others might feel more comfortable.

Is my chair somewhat difficult to control? I think it is and management knows it. I question why they did nothing more about it than what I managed to force the vendor and manufacturer to do. But, I know another chair could also be dangerous.

I wonder what decision the hearing officer will make. I also wonder if he understands what actually caused this involuntary discharge notice.

Trying to be like Job

When things are going wrong in your life, it pays to remember stories in the Bible. One of those is the Book of Job. It tells the story of a well-off man and his family and what happens when God tests him to see how he reacts to negative circumstances. So, Job has to lose everything, his affluence, and his family. And yet, he still does not turn against the God who is supposedly responsible for what has happened.

Then, to make matters worse, Job's friends come to tell him how awful he looks and ask how he will never recover from what has happened to him. With friends like that, who needs enemies? But, in real life we all have some friends who would reacts like that. Whoever wrote that book, knew a lot about human nature.

As I try to ready myself for the hearing tomorrow here, I wonder if I can be a bit like Job. I have never had all he had plus a family and then lost it, like he did. So, I really have nothing to compare to his travails. But, in my own way, my situation is momentous. I feel like I'm losing my sense of identity and the life I have grown into over the last six plus years.

It's hard to explain how you feel when you're challenged. I do not feel like "individuals in this home are endangered" because of me. But, management does and that's the crux of it.

The ombudsman who will represent me asked if I wanted to do a short presentation of how I got where I am. I guess by that she means living in this nursing home 80 miles or more away from my home.

Maybe explaining it just a little will put things into perspective. But I don't know. I'm sure the hearing officer hears stories about residents all the time at hearings. I'm sure that many of them cannot even show up and speak for themselves. Perhaps few residents fight involuntary discharge. I wonder how many families would fight one for their loved one.

I sort of know I'm an atypical resident. No matter where I go it will be difficult for me to fit in. I'm a square peg in a round hole. But I'm trying to make the best of it.

I would like to tell them that what I want to do is contribute to life because I can. I don't want to let my disability, short staffing, bad attitudes, or preconceived notions keep me from doing what I love.

I love writing and keeping busy. I love telling my stories. I really think they help others.

Let's hope the facility can't quite come up to their burden of proof. I have not endangered others, and I will stand on that.

Angry Arthur

Arthur is not his real name, but that's what I'll call him. He came here in the spring of 2015. The other nursing home where he lived apparently was having trouble with him.

Arthur moved into a semi private room a couple of doors up on the other side of mine. He would not let the aides shower him because he wanted to be independent did not want to be observed. He's a former military man and quite regimented. Back then, he was able to walk pretty well, but slowly.

Arthur would not let the aides shave him. He wanted to do it himself. The aides started getting Arthur up at 6 AM. That way, he could wash up and shave himself, which took a chunk of time, and make it to 8 AM breakfast.

Arthur did bond with Buford,  another older resident. I don't know that they talked all that much, but Arthur felt comfortable being with another man close to his age. Arthur also watched out for a young mentally challenged man who still sits at his table.

After a few weeks, the aides got used to Arthur. But, once in a while he would show his wrath. Arthur tended to defend residents who were asking for things loudly. He did this particularly when he felt the staff was not responding quickly enough. Arthur also stepped in and pointed out what other residents needed. Sometimes a verbal sparring match would ensue afterwards.

But, most the time Arthur went to meals, and back to his room. He shut the door and I have no idea what he did to pass the time.

For quite a while his granddaughter came and visited. She seemed to be his bright spot. Over time, he got more contentious with her. She was his only family contact.

Arthur was in a semi private room until Buford passed away. A few weeks later he was offered Buford's private room, and he moved in. Management probably breathed a sigh of relief because his granddaughter had come in several times to clean up the bathroom in his semi private room.

As 2017 has progressed, Arthur is more cantankerous. He doesn't want the ceiling fans on in the dining room. For quite a while, Arthur as though everyone he runs this facility and can decide what happens. He wanted the fans off and turned them off. He was then told he cannot make that decision. When things do not go his way he gets affronted and sometimes throws things or hits people.

The last couple of months Arthur has been in his room most of the time. The aides say because of his ire, his granddaughter no longer visits. Some days he does not come to breakfast. Today, I thought he would also miss lunch. Then, he entered the dining room, and smacked his tray from the hands of the aide who was delivering it. Despite that, he just sat down and dietary served him another.

Arthur's walk is much stiffer and I wonder if he's in pain. It seems like everything and everyone is getting to him. Though it's painful to watch, I understand how he feels.

I wonder if Arthur's depression is talking, and acting out, and not him.

Power chair's role in the Involuntary Discharge Notice

Management thinks me using a power chair is a danger to other residents. Management feels I tried to hurt other residents with my power chair. On July 11, the day I was hot and frustrated, I did not know where to go. Eula warned me if I went in any direction I would be in trouble. So, I started turning in circles thinking I was not threatening that way. Then, the chair swung a bit wide and my backpack hit an old payphone and my controller got broken.

The chart notes say that I tried to hit the nurse practitioner. It also says I swore and cursed and said I wanted to kill staff. The whole thing did not last long. I don't think I was going that fast. The chair must have veered to the right for me to have hit that old payphone.

This power chair has caused me a lot of frustration for over a year. If I looked at all the emails and notes I wrote about it, I would be quite discouraged. But, we cannot make the power chair the villain. If I would try that, it would just mushroom.

In an effort to calm things, I am running my chair in speed 3. I was doing that up until the end of May when I switched to speed 4 because it gets me where I want to go with less effort. But I could be going a bit too fast for my own good.

This chair seems to swing wide when it takes a corner. It is center driven and that type of power chair backs up a little bit to turn. That might be why I feel like the backend of the chair is fishtailing when I turn.

I've gone to the slower speed today. It was easier to control the chair. It does not go as fast but it moves along.

I don't want to be perceived as a threat. I don't want residents and visitors here to be afraid that I will hit them.

I've also noticed that residents do seem to be piling up in the hallways a lot. They all look like they're looking for something. Maybe they're hoping someone will come.

In an effort to keep using my power chair and be safe, going down one speed is an easy thing to try.

Dennis's attempt at independence

When the power chair doesn't run correctly, or if the resident becomes menacing with it, should it be taken away? I'm not sure anybody knows the answer to that question, for sure. But I do have some information from what has occurred at this facility.

Dennis was a resident here for a few years who could not motivate a manual chair at all. When he was more verbal, he told me all the time that he wanted a power wheelchair like mine. I told Dennis I did not know if he could operate it. I thought Dennis could not motivate a manual chair due to neurological problems. I sensed those neurological problems would not allow him to use a power wheelchair. Dennis was also over sixty when he was asking for a power wheelchair.

I never thought therapy would seriously consider getting him one, but I never told him that. Then, one day the vendor delivered a power chair for Dennis. I wondered if they allowed him to test drive one. I remembered working with a client of the disability agency (where I worked) in the 80s. She was quadriplegic and wanted a power chair. No one knew if she could operate it properly. I suggested the vendor put her in one and let her try it out at a gymnasium somewhere. I thought that large area would give them and her an idea if she could run it adequately and safely. Unfortunately, I never got to see what happened with her because I was separated from that job not long after.

But here, Dennis had a tough time running the power chair. He struggled so with it in the hallway. I knew the chair was quite fast and that it took some coordination to use its joystick. Most of the time Dennis was trying very hard to use the joystick to get that chair to crawl up or down the hallway or into or out of the dining room. I actually think the aides ran the chair more than he did. They pushed the joystick to move him along.

In a sense Dennis never felt the joy or freedom of using a power chair. I know he was not confident in it. I could see the struggle on his face when he tried to use the joystick. I was very careful around him because I know how quickly power chairs can move.

Dennis had the chair maybe a couple of months. Sometimes he ran into doorways. Then, one day he got too close to the small wall drinking fountain, the chair went forward and knocked it off the wall. Previously, his collisions were minor. But after the drinking fountain incident, the power chair was taken away..

Dennis was back in his manual chair and had to wait to be pushed everywhere.

I think Dennis got a chair for several reasons. The power chair was more comfortable. It could be tilted and reclined so he could rest in it without getting into bed. I guess therapy thought they saw potential freedom and independence for Dennis and less work for the aides. However, in the end he could not use it.

Medicaid recertification under the Affordable Care Act (ACA)

On October 1, 2016 the state of Ohio expanded Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act (ACA). There were changes in eligibility determination for people like me over a certain income. I had to set up a Qualified Income Trust (QIT) and all my funds that go to the nursing facility and that pay my other itemize expenses go into that account.

I wondered how eligibility would be under that new system. Well, I found out. I just got the form. It ended up being twelve pages long.

But the good news is, there wasn't much that I had to fill out. I just had to reenter identification information, my tax status, my employment status, my insurance status, and questions about income and filing taxes.

Even though the form is lengthy, there are many parts that do not apply to me. I was able to breeze through it pretty quickly and complete it.

In previous years I was asked for bank statements, tax returns, my on hand cash balance, and if there were any other bills that I was paying that Ohio Job and Family Services did not know about. It wasn't really that difficult. I got used to that system. Now I have to learn another new system.

I may do what I did last year and again in January, send my financial information to Ohio Job and Family Services anyway. That way they will know exactly what my status is.

The strangest question on the form was if I would allow Ohio Job and Family Services to access my IRS records and if so, for how many years. I agreed today they could do it for one year. I thought if there was any problem and they needed more records, they could contact me.

Sending out the application, and allowing the ability to do it online has to be a lot easier on everyone. I just wonder why the old eligibility criteria, at least some of the financial stuff, does not seem to be required.

In previous years, I was notified by phone that my recertification had gone through. This year that process may be different since they have my email address.

Being able to email Job and Family Services would be so much easier, and would involve less expense than faxing applications and documentation.

What happened going to be ophthalmologist

Today I had an ophthalmologist appointment at 1:30 p.m. I was told I'd be picked up by the ambulette at 1 PM. I asked if I could eat an early lunch to ensure I'd be ready.  I knew other residents had to be cared for. We were also shorthanded. We had three aides instead of the scheduled five. I knew it would be difficult to feed me early

My early lunch was only about ten minutes earlier than noon. I felt really awful sitting at my usual table with other residents and getting my tray first. One female resident tried to grab it thinking it was hers. She doesn't say much. But when I told her I had to eat early to go to the doctor, she apologized for grabbing it. I told her not to worry about it. Nevertheless, I still don't like, and don't feel comfortable, eating when other residents aren't.

Then, I had to wait for the nurse for meds after lunch. Due to short staffing the nurses assisted my aide so I could get a bathroom break before leaving.

I still waited thirty minutes for the ambulette to show up. Then, the paratransit bus dropped off the resident who attends developmental disability workshop. I'm sure the ambulette driver was not happy about that.

When I approached the ambulette, it had a side lift, which they never send. The ambulette driver told me I had to back onto the lift. Ambulance companies usually NEVER let riders back onto a lift. When I asked the driver to guide me while I went backwards, she said she couldn't. So, the facility transportation aide who went along tried. But I pulled too far to my right slick and got caught on one side of the lift. The medical transportation aide thought I was permanently stuck, and went to the building to get help. In the meantime, I got the ambulette driver to rock my power chair a bit to to get me unstuck.

Then, she put the power chair in freewheel mode and backed me on manually. Unfortunately, I was told I had to be tied down facing sideways. I appealed to her to let me face forward because I get nauseated riding sideways. But she said I had to do what policy said.

It was hot in the ambulette and I had to wait a bit for the driver to get in and turn on the air conditioning. But when she did, it felt much better. It was a bumpy ride to the doctor's office. When we arrived, the driver started to unfold the lift and an alarm went off. The lift would not lower. The driver said a piece was broken where I got caught. So, the driver lowered it manually.

The the ambulette driver told the medical transportation aide that she could only lower me once, and then her ambulette would be out of service. The driver told the facility medical transportation aide she would have two take me back to the facility. She said the only other ambulette had no air conditioning and was 50 miles away.

The ride back was better and much less bumpy in the facility's minivan. I felt awful that the flipper plate on the ambulette lift might be broken. But I'm hoping it is an easy fix.

No longer feeling like a hoarder

In July when I inadvertently hit the nonfunctioning payphone on the wall in the front lobby, the zipper on my backpack was smashed. I got a new backpack about a week ago. But, as of yesterday, no aide has had the time to transfer my things from the old backpack to the new one.

My friend, Rush visited and when I asked her she would help, and she said she would. The aides said the backpack had too much in it. But, since I don't put extra things in it, I wondered why it was bulging. Oh by the way, I never get to look inside.

When it was opened, I found out. There were napkins and tissues galore balled up in it. We also found three four ounce containers of applesauce, peanut butter packs from dietary, mayonnaise packs, empty packaging and gum wrappers. There was also old medical appointment info, shopping lists, and some miscellaneous papers. We threw all the obvious trash away, and I get rid of extra things things in the backpack I no longer need. I threw away a small tube of toothpaste, an old container of sunscreen, some nursing home skin lotion, and old packs of gum.

When we were finished, there was a sizable bag of trash to be thrown away. I was pleased. We were able to get my things easily into the new, smaller backpack.

My friend Rush discovered that there was melted chocolate at the bottom of the backpack. I told her my sister Janice, probably dropped a chocolate covered mint in it, which I forgot about.

The new backpack does not open at the top. But, we were able to get what I use inside it.

Now that my backpack has been emptied, I no longer feel like a hoarder.

My mother always told me to clean out drawers, closets, and other spaces, because it's good for my mental health.

Planning my defense

Sometimes I wonder how I can prepare the best defense. Involuntary discharge is never a good thing. No one wants to have "eviction" on the record. I would like to have that expunged at any cost. But can I?

I wonder what incidents the facility will bring up to say that I am endangering other residents. They say I tried to hurt people with my power chair. That is really strange for someone who has been hurt several times by this new power chair and a few times by older ones.

I won't say that power chairs aren't dangerous, they are. But this one has been particularly so.

So far, I have found two incidents where I lost control of my power chair temporarily. It was not my fault. The joystick was not where I could reach it properly. One time the left arm rest had been upended a bit by the Hoyer lift. The second time I think I was tired or overwrought after a tense meeting about care issues. I also had just started a higher dosage of an antidepressant. I know that they can cause dizziness and lightheadedness – which could have been a contributing factor in a navigational error on my part.

But, realistically I know that I cannot fight the nursing home's he said to my she said. I can say what I thought happened and what I did. Beyond that it's the administrative law judge's responsibility to make the determination.

None of us has the wisdom of Solomon. None of us knows who exactly is telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We all will think we are telling a version of the truth.

Am I too flamboyant with my chair? I don't think so. I have pushed things with it like furniture, chairs, my bed. I have accidentally rolled over people's feet. They have also bumped me with the chair and run over my feet with it accidentally. I guess if I want to doubt that I could. But I don't really want to. I believe them.

I don't how this thing will come out. I have to pray for Solomon's wisdom in order to figure out my best defense of me.

Newspapers are changing their tactics

I was curious to see how the newspapers would change after President Trump was inaugurated. At first, they were just telling tales. They wrote every awful,, stupid thing that Trump said or did. I sort of expected. But I knew it would get old soon.

Apparently the readership is not as interested in all of Trump's foibles. I have noticed that newspapers and magazines are changing the reporting tactics.

There are more hard-nosed stories about the politics of other countries, terrorism episodes, and stories about immigration in other countries. I think that serves as a comparison to what happens in the US.

I don't see as many crime stories. There were many when Obama was president. There were also a lot of shootings. It seemed to me like there was an organized resistance to the openness of the Democrats under Obama. I always thought that was unfortunate. I wondered who might have fostered all of that. Was it our enemies in Iran and maybe Iraq? But, I thought most of it was home-based. Even though, many of the terrorists were immigrants. Many of the shooters in the multiple killings were not.

I'm sure talking about immigration control and watching the borders may stop some illegals from attempting to enter the country. Some may not be willing to take the risk with Trump as president. It also might keep a few criminals out of the country. They might think the police are looking a little harder now – which they may be.

I do miss the stories that were enlightening. There are still health and medical stories telling about end-of-life issues, managing illness, and the awful effects to everyone involved when a family member has Alzheimer's. But I miss the aspirational stories about artist: including those who paint, or appear on Broadway, and those who star in movies. Yes, they still have some informative profiles of artists. But there is something missing. Editors must feel they can't write as many soft stories now.

It looks like editors want to be up on the politics of the nation. I think we all feel they dropped the ball when most newspapers said Hillary would be elected almost no matter what. I remember a week before the election, the New York Times wrote that she had a 91% chance of being elected. If I had been Hillary, I would not have believed that. I wonder if she did?

The newspapers need to take an objective look at what's going on in this country and figure out what President Trump is doing. But, they need to have a bit of empathy for him in the job that was quite difficult for other presidents perhaps more talented and smooth than Trump. It's a difficult job for any person. Sometimes I feel the press is piling on which makes them much worse in Trump's eyes.

One thing I have to say about Trump. He has a lot of stamina. Throughout an eighteen month campaign we were not told, nor could we notice that he was ill. He also has been president for seven months and no one has reported that he has been sick. Nor has he coughed or sneezed in public. For a 70 year old man, Trump is healthy.

YouTube a place for respite

When YouTube first started I wondered why anyone would be interested in watching nondescript videos uploaded by those who took them. I figured it would be a bunch of amateur stuff.

Maybe it was amateur in the beginning. But now, it isn't. It's a wonderful place to go to learn about things. It's almost like going to another dimension. I can watch black-and-white movies from the 30s. Or, I can watch video of events which have happened recently in the world.

Last night I watched a documentary about the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. I learned some things I did not know. It was interesting to hear the Duke of Windsor speak when he was in his 70s. You can tell he did not care much for the monarchy, or his father who was king. He thought his father was too rough on him. He also ended up not caring much for his brother who became king after Edward abdicated.

It was a tense time in the world in the 1930s. I'm surprised England didn't make King Edward take off and never come back. It was interesting to hear what the documentary said about how the Duke and Duchess of Windsor lived their lives as traveling celebrities. It's also interesting that the Duchess didn't have much in her life after the Duke died.

Comedy is a big part of YouTube. It's always timely even if it's old videos of Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. I see clips of shows I know I saw first run on prime time – actually after prime time. But, back then, it was incredibly popular. Millions of people watched Johnny Carson. Many many more than watch the late-night shows of today. I remember Johnny Carson making me laugh, making me think, and introducing me to new animals. I remember watching Johnny Carson seemingly make a fool of himself for an audience that was laughing there butts off at him.

Who would've ever thought so many years later that we can look back at such things and remember. I don't know that life was any better then. But, the barriers are more easily defined. We knew who had what and we knew what we were. I was a part of "the people". I wasn't in the upper echelon. I wondered how people got into entertainment. I always thought it took a special type of person to be a star.

My mother who wanted to be an entertainer, told me that there are entertainers who never make it to the big time. She was convinced entertainers made it big because of talent, persistence, and a serendipity factor that no one could really define.

It's probably true that no one gets anywhere without the help or hindrance of others.

I guess we have the guys who came up with YouTube to thank for making our history more accessible. It seems to me that young people could learn so much by watching these old videos. I'm sure there are entertainers, young ones, who study them. It will be a great way to learn impressions. Up-and-coming comics or comedians could mimic their favorites by watching videos on YouTube.

It's nice to be able to watch something that's free. There are commercials and they do interrupt. But, the quality is good. Even the amateur type videos are interesting. Maybe we all are just gawkers and voyeurs who like to watch what others do – ad infinitum.

Things are breaking

Things which I need in my life, are breaking. For instance, my shower chair. The casters are getting rusty, and it's getting difficult to roll. It is only a little over two years old. But, without proper cleaning and maintenance things just don't do well. It's so hard to move, I'm freight the left rear caster is going to follow. Then, the chair will be unusable until new casters are ordered.

I used to buy my shower chair casters. At least I think I did. I had another shower chair at my previous facility and those casters lasted longer. Either that, or the nursing home replaced them and said nothing to me. I bought new casters in 2010 and asked the maintenance man there to put them on. I didn't realize until they were on that I received the wrong casters. The maintenance man never told me they were different from the casters which were on it. When I saw them, I was surprised. I was sent rubber casters. They're dangerous in nursing homes because rubber causes static which could make resident oxygen ignite..

The other broken thing is my over three year old black filing cabinet. They are not sturdy enough for nursing home use. The casters on the bottom are cheap and have broken off. The maintenance guy could not fix them. He put a 2 x 4 under the two drawer filing cabinet. That way the cabinet can't tip and the bottom won't get wet when the floor is mopped.

My sister emailed a year ago that Amazon sells little wheeled carts to put under heavy items, like portable washing machines. It looks like it will work under my black filing cabinet. But, the front of the black filing cabinet is sheet-metal and bunged up. It has been bumped by my power chair too much, when the aides park it. The drawers have a few bumps, and the top of the drawer sticks. Then, someone has to beat on it with something to unstick it.

Today, I looked for two drawer rolling, locking filing cabinets. I found some that were reasonably priced. The problem is the price is low enough that I'm sure they'll be poorly made. So I'm trying to decide what to do. I could order a stand with more drawers that are not as deep. That might mean they would be a little bit more sturdy. Since I don't put files in my filing cabinet anyway, drawers might be better.

I also discovered that there is a wheeled cart sold that would easily fit under a filing cabinet. The wheels are a bit better but it costs $69. Buying the filing cabinet and the wheeled cart will automatically UP THE PRICE. But I don't know if the two together would be safe.

I don't know whether to order a new two drawer locking filing cabinet with wheels – like I've had before. Or, order one without wheels and buy a furniture mover cart to go under it.

It's definitely a dilemma.

Enshrined in the sanctum

I guess I never really think about the fact that I'm stuck in one spot for several hours each day. I do get to ride around in my power chair. But I do it before, and right after meals. After that, I'm back in my room at my desktop where I am not able to move around at all.

Here, resident smokers go out seven times a day two smoke. The times are: 9 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m., 4 PM, 6 PM, 8 PM, and 10 PM. I think has a lot of smoke breaks and it takes up quite a bit of time. I came from a nursing home where there were four smoke breaks a day. But, residents were allowed to smoke two cigarettes, at break, compared to one cigarette at break here. There, only one staff member took smokers out, or sat with them during their smoke break. Here two staff have to do it.

While I like to go out when the weather is nice, that hardly ever happens. I'm not allowed to go out of this locked facility without a facility staff person, family member, or friend with me. So, that means I'm in here, inside the facility, in my sanctum, most of the time.

I can't say I mind because I like being busy. Being on my desktop or laptop, keeps me connected to the outside world. To me, it seems more personal than watching television. I like the idea that articles written for publications on the Internet let readers make comments. I definitely enjoy reading them.

I also like to be up-to-date on the news, the weather, and the state of the world. I know some days the news is not good. But, it's better if I no what's going on.

I also like to write and while I can have ideas when I'm not near a computer. It's a lot easier to put them down in a usable format, if I'm at a computer. Sometimes I feel like I am as attached to my computers as some people are to their smart phones. But, I do give it a rest. I stop at night when I go to sleep. Actually, I stop about a half-hour before that. I do not go back to my computer until way after the next morning's breakfast. Would I like to know what's going on in between? Sort of, but I don't want to interrupt my sleep to find out.

Still, it would be nice to think about being able to just mosey out of the building for ten or fifteen minutes for some sunshine and fresh air.

Then, I would head back to the sanctum, where I feel connected.

Keeping track of my stuff

I have been able to have anyone go to the basement check up on my belongings since 2011, or 2012. I was keeping things organized. Then, all of a sudden, years ago management did not want anyone but staff in the basement for security reasons.

But, with some coordination housekeeping would bring things up. About every three months we would change out my seasonal clothing and cleaned and straighten as much as we could. Many times we straighten the room, the furniture was dusted, and the floor. Many times it needed it badly.

Then I went off to work program, no longer have as much money on hand, and could no longer hire someone to take me out and straighten up my room. Getting used to less income was difficult.

I tried very hard to keep things organized. But it's harder without someone to help me. The aides do not have time and neither does activities. Although, some aides and some activity staff will help when they can.

I've tried to come up with a better system. But it's still not working the way I would like. I still have some clothing in my closet in early August that is too warm to wear now. However, I may be able to wear it in September, so I hate to pack it away somewhere.

Today, I had a discussion with a housekeeper. She said she wished she had all my clothes. I told her that she really doesn't. I said I need a better system to rotate my clothing and to get nonseasonal items out of my closet. I also said that a 29 inch closet is not big enough to keep my clothes arranged neatly.

I have a nursing home history that is twenty-one plus years long, and it's hard to get rid of some things. I got rid of many things almost seven years ago when I moved to this facility.

It's really hard for me to live my life life as though I will move in a week, or even a month. It doesn't give me much comfort that I don't know how I would move all this stuff if I absolutely needed to. I would have to go through it first. Or else I would have to move it, and then go through it.

Sometime in the future, facilities are going to have to make sure that they help residents keep control of their possessions.

I know from experience that every few months, I need to go through my things, donate some of them, and throw some out.,

Preparing for the Hearing

There's no way to prepare for an assault on your behavior and personality. The cause for involuntary discharge is because the safety of other residents of the facility is in danger.

I know I have never tried to hurt anyone. I made circles in the front lobby a couple of weeks ago, out of frustration, and everyone knows that. The administrator said some residents fear me. But I've seen no fear in any resident's eyes. But, there might be one of two of them who might be afraid of my power chair. But I go pretty slowly in the hallways.

So, I started writing a draft of the Request for Hearing letter that I have to send to the Department of Health. I have ten days to send it. It's already completed and I've emailed a draft to my sister and a friend for them to review for changes..

I'm also trying to make contacts with representatives of the Developmental Disabilities Council in my state. Since I was injured before the age of twenty-two, I'm considered developmentally disabled. I want to reach out to them to protect my rights.

The ombudsman was here today to discuss strategy. She asked if I wanted to move. I told her I did not want to stay, if management and staff wanted me to leave. Although, I did tell her that I did not feel I had done anything to endanger other residents here.

My sister and I had an end of the day discussion as we have had over the last several days. We sort of wish we could make some sense of this.

I asked the ombudsman if this is happening to anyone else. She told me she has many 30 Day Notices on her desk. She said she has no idea why there are so many right now.

The ombudsman was late getting here this afternoon which gave me pause. I actually skipped lunch to make sure that I was available for her. I also wanted to do necessary research and to write letters to other advocates in my state to try to get some perspective from them.

I'm a bit calmer than yesterday. I wonder if I can hold up to all this.

Getting a 30 Day Notice of Involuntary Discharge made me feel quite small. I just don't know what my personality has to do with healthcare. They know everyone has a right to dissent, as long as others are not hurt. This is America after all and that's what we are all about.