Getting used to my gray and other uncolored new hair

I have been letting my hair grow out to its natural color for almost a year. It was last colored on June 7, 2016. I covered my medium brown and 50% gray roots with light blonde hair color.

Since this nursing home has no beauty salon, I have a difficult time getting my hair colored. Plus, if I have to pay salon prices for coloring, it is expensive. I don't want to pay the big ticket price. If we can use box color routinely, I might still be doing it. But, I decided it would be better just to have my natural hair color.

I checked some YouTube videos and discovered growing out a full head of uncolored hair takes a while. I did not bleach my hair like some do. I also did not got it really short. Even though I saw some women on YouTube endeavor to strategically cover their gray with color and also let it grow out, I didn't want to try anything as intricate or expensive looking as that.

The outstanding positive is I no longer have that gray roots. Now I have salt-and-pepper hair. Surprisingly to me, it's more pepper than salt.

The uncolored hair is more becoming and not harsh. But I had to learn how to take care of it. I use the purple shampoo to keep it from yellowing once a week. I also make sure I buy styling products that have no color so they will not stain the lighter part of my hair.

I really thought by now I would have mostly uncolored hair. But I still have about 1 1/2 inches on the ends which are blonde. I get asked all the time if I've had my hair colored. I so badly want to say, "It's hombre, like the millennials!" But, I never do.

One thing about living at a nursing home I'm not able to be in front of a huge mirror every morning. So I don't see every flaw and extra gray hair.

Not seeing my newly uncolored hair every day makes it sort of ethereal. Looking at it some days I wonder what the styling possibilities would be. I guess I should have someone part off my hair to see if I have any lighter areas. But it looks pretty mixed to me.

I think I should have a full head of uncolored hair by Christmas. If not, definitely by spring 2018.

My sister arrives and summer clothing appears

I've been trying to get my lighter weight clothing into my closet since the third week of April. Housekeeping has just not gotten to it. First, I got a new roommate and my things which had wandered to the other side of the room had to be reorganized. After that was accomplished, housekeeping suddenly had no more time for sorting

The weather has gradually gotten warmer. I had about three T-shirts already in the closet and I made do. But I kept waiting for housekeeping to help me get my lighter clothing into my closet.

I was concerned because some thinner, brand-new clothing that had been in the room could not be found. I knew one of the housekeepers moved it. And I wondered where it was put.

I emailed the nurse manager last night saying I desperately needed lighter weight clothing. I offered that my sister and I today (during her visit) would take heavy things out of my closet. I also said we would reorganize clothing stored in space bags by my closet. I thought I could maybe make a deal. We would do some and maybe they could do some.

It's amazing that a housekeeper was in my room before 10 AM this morning with my every day lighter weight clothing. She wanted to wash it all. I told her that was not necessary and that if it was wrinkled she could throw it in the dryer with a couple of wet washcloths and it would come out wrinkle free. I told her to do what she wanted, but that I did not expect her to do extra work.

My sister reorganized the clothing by the closet. It was divided into three different categories and put in different space bags – which are labeled.

While we were working on that, someone found the shipping package with my pants and top in it. My sister laid that clothing in my closet, all housekeeping has to do is put it on hangers.

We also went through two other totes and got rid of DVDs/VHS tapes that have accumulated over time. I had them at another nursing home. I kept them for entertainment. But now with Netflix streaming, Amazon Prime, and YouTube, I no longer need them.. I am donating them to the nursing home for the residents to watch.

We went through another tote and got rid of a lot of miscellaneous grippy material that I use in everyday life. I use it to hold things where I put them and to steady pillows for propping my arms etc.

Some various size clothing was donated to the nursing home for the other female residents.

I even got rid of a pair of shoes that I thought I threw away last fall.

It can be difficult for me (as a nursing home resident) to throw clothing and shoes away. If housekeeping finds it, they usually bring it back thinking I have made a mistake. Though I understand the reasoning, trying to keep everything, or expecting my sister to throw my things away, will cause my room to look more like a hoarder's.

How can I do clothing better?

It's hard to do clothing at this facility. There is not much room. I cannot put heavier and midweight clothing in my closet at the same time. So I need to change things out at the end of the season.

The problem is I have no one to help me. I used to hire people to help me with such tasks when I was more economically sound. But, now, I have to depend on the housekeeping staff. The problem with that is sometimes they have enough housekeepers and sometimes they don't.

Most of my heavier (corduroy, winter) slacks went out of my closet in March. But I could not take out mock turtlenecks because I still needed them. But it was able to get housekeeping to put some longsleeved T-shirts and a few pairs of midweight jeans in my closet.

Then, in mid April I asked housekeeping about moving out my mock turtleneck tops so I would have some room for short sleeve T-shirts. Well, nothing happened. A week later I posted a note in my room asking that my heavier tops be removed from my closet and that some T-shirts (previously worn last year) be put in there. That week I got a roommate and no one got to my clothing.

The next week I revised the list and posted it again. The plan was more firm and I mentioned that I really needed the lighter weight items.

Each week, usually more than once, I have asked the housekeeping supervisor if she could move my clothing for me. Each week she has told me she had no time.

Last week I had a care conference and I was promised that my clothing would be moved the next day. It didn't happen.

Today my day shift aide offered to try to find the clothing I was looking for. We went through some space bags on the side of my closet. But I couldn't find what I wanted. I was pretty sure the new top should still be wrapped in the shipping envelope. But, we could not find it. It also looks like a pair of pants I ordered never arrived, or are lost.

My aide got upset with me and thought I was being ungrateful. My sister is visiting tomorrow and I want to look nice. Why did my aide not understand that? I agree that it is not her problem that housekeeping has no time. But it is a problem.

So, my sister is visiting and we will spend some of our time going through clothing. It will not take all that long. And since she's objective, and does not deal with this all the time, she may have a bit more patience. I really hate to waste her time that way. I need to go shopping. The problem is I need, need, need. It must be maddening to everyone around me.

I know being so needy is also maddening to me.

More than a bad day

Today was not good. First of all, a night shift aide could not get me pulled back in the shower chair straight enough. Her back may have been hurting. But, I still had to stay crooked in the chair because there is no way to easily fix the mistake once it's made. The aides just think I'm okay. I think they think my wash up will not take that long, and they think I can just wait to get comfortable. But I was really in pain. I was crying and asking for help. Then, they went out and left me.

I put the call light on hoping my aide would come in and help me get situated better. But she didn't until 15 or 20 minutes later. By then I was beside myself with cramps in my legs.

Then, the aide I had was new at my a.m. care. She's done evening care – just not morning. After my earlier problem, this was not the morning to be challenged with training someone.

There were four aides who came in my room right before 7 AM to Hoyer me up. I thought they could do it right the first time.

Instead, my night shift aide could not pull me back far enough in the shower chair. So I was sitting crooked in it. There was nothing that could be done except Hoyer me again which would be involved. So, I was washed up being crooked and uncomfortable I know I was rude to the aide and I did not mean to be. I was in pain and could not fix it. They would not let me stand to adjust myself. Knowing I cannot stand to relieve pressure on my bottom is scary.

The aide is not fast and did not know my routine. So, it was slow going, and she could not make up time. Me trying to hurry her didn't help.

She got me to breakfast. Breakfast was slow like the whole day.

After breakfast my training day shift aide could not pull me back far enough into the shower chair either. Then I wondered why they even let her try.. I wished they had asked the nurse to help just to be there to run the Hoyer. It just makes me feel so badly. It would've been better if I had been quiet. But I didn't know if I could stand the discomfort.

My teeth got brushed and I got ready but the nurses and aides thought I was being difficult which caused it to take too long. They suggested I should go back to bed – sort of like a timeout. I begged them not to. Passing time with nothing to do is punishment for me.

Maybe the nurse reneged, or someone else did on "the going back to bed" plan. A more familiar aide set me up at my desktop PC.

No, I didn't get much done. I did document what happened today. I don't know that it will help anything. But maybe the next time I have what I think is an awful day, I can look at it and gain some perspective.

Only cornbread to thicken my chili

The story of today's lunch is so silly. Nevertheless, I am writing about it so you will know I did not make this up.

I saw on the lunch board after breakfast that we were having chili for lunch. I asked my aide if she would ask the cook if I could get a piece of bread or crackers, instead of the cornbread they were serving. I explained that I wanted to thicken the chili to make it easier to eat with either white bread or crackers. Cornbread works but it makes the chili sweeter – which I don't like. My aide acted like it was not a big deal to get me some crackers. But, crackers are an important commodity in nursing homes. It seems like they are always in demand and the supply is always short.

When I got down to lunch, I was later getting my tray. When I asked for crackers, I was told supposedly by the cook that I could not have them because they were not on the menu. So, I asked for a piece of bread and said I would give them back the cornbread. That was a no go also. The cook said since bread was not on the menu, I could not have it.

So, I told my aide to break up half the cornbread or less into my chili. I so hate runny soup – particularly chili.

I did appeal to my nurse and she came up with two packs of crackers. That was very sweet of her, but, she was too late. My aide had already thickened the chili with the cornbread.

I fail to understand why such dilemmas occur anyway. But they are getting very strict with the food here. We are allowed no extras. There wasn't even a sandwich on the backup menu. All that was on it was chicken noodle soup. There was no sandwich to accompany the soup, if a resident did not want the chili.

I plan to run this by the dietitian. I wonder if I discreetly ask for bread as a substitute for cornbread the next time I have chili, if I might not be able to get it.

They may just not want to do it in a room full of other residents who might want to copycat my idea.

Past and present Memorial Day weekends

Sometimes I sit and try to remember what Memorial Day weekends were like before I moved to a nursing home. I do know  when I lived in my condo with private caregivers, holidays were spent with Carolyn, my caregiver. She knew I did not like to spend holidays alone. She also knew that my sister seldom was able to visit me on or near the holiday. So, we struck a bargain. Carolyn said if I would allow her to take me to her family's celebration, she would consider it a family day and not charge me. So, Carolyn invited me to come to her home or wherever her family gathered on almost every holiday. I always appreciated Carolyn's kindness in the ten years she worked for me.

Before that, I spent holidays with neighbors, my sister, and sometimes I spent parts of them by myself. Memorial Day does not stick out. I can't say that our family had any Memorial Day ritual like planting flowers at relatives' graves in the cemetery. Since we lived 200 miles away from my parents' relatives' graves, there could be no ritual.

I also know we usually waited until after Memorial Day to buy annuals to plant in the yard. We did that so we could get them at a lower price.

For many years we traveled to Western Pennsylvania on holidays to visit my mom's and my dad's relatives. But, I doubt we went on Memorial Day because school would have still been in session. The last few weeks of school were filled with many events which would have interfered. So, I'm sure we waited until school was out. If our first trip was not the first free weekend in June, then we probably went to Pennsylvania for Father's Day or the Fourth of July.

After my sister went to college and then moved out on her own, our Memorial days became routine. Dad usually played golf on Memorial Day weekend. If my sister visited, there would be anticipation and excitement with her around. Otherwise, it would be mom and I watching whatever was on TV, even sports, until dad came home from golfing.

I'd like to think that it was more interesting and less lonely back then, but I don't really think it was. I know I watched baseball to stay involved in things. I also watched golf, tennis matches, and any other thing that would hold my interest. Even when I lived with mom and dad, there was always the loneliness struggle against my thoughts of, "You should really be with your peers today". So I got involved with something and stayed interested in it.

In nursing homes, there is excitement before Memorial Day since it is the first summer holiday. The staff seem to be excited with the possibility of a cookout, or doing or seeing someone special. I miss those days although I realize they did not happen as much as I once thought. During my growing up years, Memorial Day was a harbinger of the upcoming joy of summer vacation. Passing summer's first holiday made me anxious to spend those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer at the pool.

Today (Friday before Memorial Day) was the nursing home's annual summer picnic at the park. In the five years of this event, it has been in June or July. I wondered why it was earlier this year. I don't go because the grass at the park is usually muddy and traversing it in a 300 pound power chair (without me in it) could be hazardous all by itself. Besides, I do not like to fight the flies for my food.

So for lunch those of us residents who did not go to the picnic, the same food was served. The difference was the hamburgers and hotdogs for us stay behinds were not grilled.

This year 11 or 12 residents out of 48 decided not to participate.

Streaming Netflix content

I have been a Netflix subscriber since 2006. That was about a year after they started. I loved renting DVDs from them because I did not have to watch all of them at one time quickly to avoid a fee. I watched a lot of movies I had missed over many years with my Netflix subscription.

When I moved to this nursing home, I continued my subscription. But in 2013 financial problems occurred and I had to cut costs. I dropped the DVD rental program and instead had the $8.97 streaming service. My biggest problem is not being able to find what I want to watch. Since Netflix has their own content, there are not as many other TV shows and blockbuster movies available. Although, there are some. However, other services like Hulu and Hulu plus have acquired those for their service. But Netflix has a few classic movies and old musicals..

Even though I am a book reader, I decided to watch Netflix documentaries to see what I could learn. I also might be able to read books about subjects I discover on Netflix. So, I put my reading down and decided to take several weeks to be entertained by Netflix. I thought I would need that long to discover what type of content they have each month, and how much it changes from month to month.

I think it would be great if subscribers could put in requests for commercial movies they would like to see. Then Netflix would have a different method, other than the rating system, to determine what movies their customers like.

Netflix has produced a good bit of their own content which is similar to network and cable TV offerings. Although, they may cover subjects that are not covered in movies released to theaters.

The only thing that concerns me is watching TV, or Netflix is very passive. I feel like I'm just sitting there watching as though I'm in a trance. When I read a book, I have to construct things (make pictures) in my head. On Netflix it's all done for me.

I can certainly see why Netflix subscribers binge watch. I started watching a new series and though I have not watched every one of them – all at once. I can't wait to get back to see the next installment. It reminds me of my old soap opera addiction.

After so many years living in nursing homes and watching TV, three years ago I decided to give it up in order to read more books. Since I have a laptop, I can now read digital books. I can find many online which are free. So far the only TV I see are the links provided in news articles, and those network and cable TV shows available on YouTube.

But since I went to stay current I have to keep up with the art that Netflix creates or acquires. Knowing what's out there and available is important to me.

Not a victory today but a baby step

The meeting was today with everyone from the administrator, and the nurse manager to my friend R and me.

I got the drift that the nurse manager and therapy were not really considering letting me stand to transfer anytime soon. It was pretty plain that they want me to use the Hoyer because they feel it's safer for me  and the aides. Roberta/nurse manager stated that I complained about feeling hurt after being lifted with aides putting an arm under each of mine to stand me. When she said that, I felt like I was being punished because I noted some aides pull on me harder than others.

Roberta/nurse manager said that it's not safe for me to bend and straighten my knees while I'm standing to transfer. She said it alarms the aides. I told them I bent and straightened my knees twice a month ago because I was frustrated from waiting to go to the bathroom. Roberta wanted assurances that I would not do it again. I don't know exactly how I could do that.

My friend R brought up that she googled and found a different type of gait belt. It goes around the waist and around the thighs so that it cannot pull up like a conventional gait belt. It sounded like mountain climbing equipment to me and probably is something someone adapted from it. I did not see it but the nursing home is going to consider it. That way the aides will have a handhold. They will not have to grab a gait belt that has slid up under my armpits.

It was kind of funny that the therapist was reluctant to state that I am "pear-shaped". I told her that was not a revelation. I know I am pear-shaped because I have been that way pretty much ever since I moved to a nursing home. I don't stand or move as much. My weight was moved down by gravity resulting in more weight from mid torso down.

It just seemed for a while that Roberta/nurse manager wanted to argue with R and me. It was like a fencing dual. And no one was making contact – just flinging the fencing sword around.

I was kind of forced to take over things and ask questions. I said the only time we really learn anything in life is when we do it wrong or make a mistake. I told them I have been dropped by an aide in the hospital using a Hoyer. That has caused me to be very careful about Hoyer use.

I said we needed to look at potential gait belts and Hoyer pads for future use by me. I noted I am not getting any younger and even if we can find a suitable gait belt and stave off Hoyer use presently. I know there will be a time when a Hoyer may be necessary. That let them know I had considered it.

I said I thought we should check out other Hoyer pads which are more comfortable and easier to use. That is something that both me as resident and the staff should have in their favor. Nursing home patient equipment is very generic. They do not necessarily consider individual resident needs and how the generic equipment will fit in. Residents and staff should be considered when equipment is purchased. It should be economical, functional and fit the needs of most every resident.

Nursing homes used to buy generic wheelchairs. One size was supposed to fit most. Now they are measured to particular residents. But, there are still a few generic chairs to get them by until they can more closely define a resident's needs.

There was no large victory today but I think maybe diplomacy took place. All my friend and I wanted were people with open minds who would listen.

I'm hoping that those who attended, and who did not completely agree might have a bit more understanding of me now.

Using the Hoyer for a month tomorrow

I am in the process of being disciplined, and encouraged NOT to show my restoration. On April 26 I bent and straightened my knees twice (while standing to transfer)  and Roberta/nurse manager said I had to use the Hoyer for ALL TRANSFERS. But, I never thought almost a month later I would still be using it.

I felt like I was being put into a sling prison. That Hoyer keeps your captive and there is very little free will movement. I have to be trussed up like a turkey in order to be lifted from place to place. Some of the aides have been lifted in a Hoyer and know that it is not very comfortable. It also can make me a bit dizzy which is something I never considered.

This Hoyer is large because it has the scales. It's difficult to move and clumsy in half of a semi private room. The aides at Somerset tried it a couple of times with the exact same lift – and decided not to use it. They preferred the smaller manual lift.

But this is the only lift they have. I'm surprised to find out that different aides use the Hoyer lift differently. Some help pull me back more in the shower chair seat by pulling on the pad. Some assist me to bend my knee. But there are others who pay no attention and forget that my right leg is just hanging. It is very easy for it to hit parts of the lift.

One of the aides said last week they usually just unhook the bottom two straps on the Hoyer pad when they put a resident in bed to pull up their pants. I was surprised because I suggested that the very first day in the aides acted like they had never done it that way. But, this week JA/aide told a newer aide they could not use the quicker method to pull up my pants because if they hurt me, I would complain. She said that I was quite a complainer.

I wanted so badly to say that some aides are more rough than others. But I didn't.

Tomorrow is the day of the meeting to see if the Hoyer can be discontinued – and some other things.

Tonight I am nervous and I wonder what will happen.

After six weeks, an outing to get a perm

I have not been out of this building in what seems like forever. The last time was April 4 with my sister for shopping and lunch. But that was a quick outing not a long one.

My friend Mike was coming up to take me to get a perm. I don't like to talk too much about going out. But I did tell therapy that I probably would not be here. I did ask if they would help me to transfer to the bathroom and into my power chair after breakfast. Ms. L/therapist emailed they could do that. I hoped it would happen to make things flow better..

Last night, I wished someone could start the van. It never gets driven. Dead batteries have been replaced twice in the last three years, well, AAA replaced them twice and jumpstarted the van twice. A car battery will not stay charged if the vehicle is never driven, or started.

With some trepidation I moved towards this morning. I told Mike the van would probably be dead and would need to be jumped at least. But I hoped I could get out in front of that.

Then, without thinking about it, I forgot to ask if my power chair was plugged in last night . It usually always is but an activity aide was working the floor and that's not her regular routine.

This morning I discovered my chair wasn't plugged in. When I asked an aide to plug it in, they got all bent out of shape. They all said it was not their fault it was not plugged in. I never inferred that it was. I was trying to correct second or third shift's error of forgetting to charge it. The aides plugged it in – just 10 minutes after my last request to do it.

Then E/aide started my van and the battery was dead. I wanted to call AAA. But I had to get ready for the day. So I asked if the receptionist here could call them for me.

They were to be here in 45 minutes. They said I needed to go out and take my ID to prove who I was. I said they could try taking it because I needed to get ready. They took out my ID and AAA card and saved me a trip.

Getting ready was slow. Therapy was not here to help me stand to transfer so the aides had to use the Hoyer – which is slower.

So I went without makeup. Who needs makeup anyway when you're getting a perm that drips all over your face?

I wonder if AAA documented somewhere that a nursing home resident's minivan had a dead battery because the facility did not regularly start her vehicle.

AAA has given my van and me a lot of service. My sister pays for AAA membership. I paid for 20 years of membership a long time ago. I never got one emergency service, battery, or jumpstart from AAA because I never called them. I guess now they are paying up.

After all that drama, I got to the salon and the perm started about 30 minutes later. I wasn't finished until almost 2 PM. My hair is curlier and it got trimmed. It also has more life in it – at least for today.

This morning it was the perils of Pauline. But this afternoon turned out to be better.

A day out  with a friend to get beautified and a lunch of pizza and salad afterwards was special.

This morning… earplug stuck in my right ear

AM/aide must have been in a bad mood this morning. She did not come in to put my braces and shoes on soon after I put my call light on like most of the aides do. She came in when my nurse brought my suppositories and said I could just wait for dayshift aides to put my braces and shoes on. Then, she asked the nurse if she would help her put them on, and she did.

I asked AM to remove my earplugs. She pulled the left one out easily, but said she could not get the right one out. I told her to grab my tweezers and pull on the end of the earplug and it would come out. She said she could not do that. I asked the nurse if she would, and she said she could not do it either. I wonder what was wrong with them. They all have children and I know things always happen with kids, and you have to think innovatively. What was wrong with using tweezers – not to pull on my ears – but to pull on the earplug? Nevertheless, I was told the dayshift nurses would handle it.

After waiting 20 minutes and putting my call light on to get up, nobody came in my room until about 7:05 a.m. Then, it was three aides and two nurses. The whole parade of them came in. Now, bear in mind, I had gotten laxative suppositories over 30 minutes before, and I had to go to the bathroom.

The nurses proceeded to chide me about the fact that the second shift aides had shoved the earplugs in incorrectly. AM/aide kept saying I should not wear them because I cannot take them out of my ears myself. I told them I had been wearing them for over three years. Nevertheless, the nurses said they would have to talk to the nurse manager about it. The only problem is the nurse manager is on vacation until Tuesday.

My roommate snores and I need the earplugs. I started using them when I had a previous roommate who snored, played loud music, and sometimes had the TV on. Believe me, the earplugs are for self-defense against noise headaches and they also allow me to get some sleep. I wondered what I would come up with as a substitute.

One nurse tugged at the earplug. I was so afraid they would send me to the ER to have it removed. Then, she was able to pull it out. I was warned again against earplugs. It's weird because I've worn them for years and never had one get stuck. Perhaps, the last box of earplugs were larger and maybe that's why we had the problem.

After it was out, I was lifted with the Hoyer onto the shower chair so I could go to the bathroom.

I hope they will let me where the earplugs tonight. Because if they don't, I will have a difficult time sleeping.

Preparing for a care conference

I'm having a care conference next week about though Hoyer lift issue. L the ombudsman wanted me to do it earlier this month, but I did not think it was necessary. After all, I just had a care conference on April 6 and I do not think we should need to have another.

L/ombudsman sent me a list of questions earlier this week to answer. They were topics I have been dealing with for the past few months and ones that normally pop up with me. I composed all the answers and sent them to her through her secure email account. I did not have a copy since I cannot send myself copies of sent emails or forwarded emails from that secure email.

When I went there to cut and paste a copy to a word processor, I realized that was not a complete copy of my answers in my reply email.. At first I thought my reply was cut off, because I used too many words. Then I realized that I probably did not cut and paste all of the text into the email. My speech recognition software made an error, or I did.

So I went about re-creating that questionnaire. I need to send it to my friend R who will be attending the care conference with me. I also need to send it to my sister J, the ombudsman and my friend B. I am sending copies to make sure the supportive folks in my life realize what is going on.

There are a lot of issues involved in getting care in a nursing home. Sometimes I think because I can make my own decisions, at least most of them, that things should run smoothly. But I do have to go through aides, nurses, nurse managers, ancillary health professionals who come to the nursing home to provide services, and healthcare professionals and doctors outside the facility. Dealing with all of that can be somewhat complex. I really don't think there's anything that compares to it in the outside world. In a nursing home there are so many layers of bureaucracy.

I also have other issues. I need lighter weight clothing put in my closet. But, so far, housekeeping has not done it. I first put a note up requesting it on April 25. But, housekeeping can't seem to get to it. I had to end up ordering two pairs of lighter weight slacks online which have already been delivered here, but not to me yet. I wanted to make sure I would not be too hot because temperatures were in the 80s last week. I am frequently criticized for ordering clothing. But I need something to wear when it's in the 80s. There are mock turtleneck tops still in my closet.

Any medical equipment I have such as: braces, splints, and any pending appliances need to be addressed at the care conference.

I've also been getting therapy for almost a month I need to find out how long that will continue.

It's a lot to think about and a lot to plan for. Typical, every three month care conferences run about 15 minutes – which is not much time.

I wonder how much time I will have Wednesday to go over my 15, or so, topic agenda.

Feeling invisible

After waiting 45 minutes to see the podiatrist, I went back to my room. But there were no aides around to assist me to get set up at my desktop computer. I asked one (not mine) and she was too busy.

Foiled, I decided to head down to afternoon snack to see what was going on. I was hot and thirsty and wanted a drink. I thought maybe I could quickly get icewater or dietetic Kool-Aid from one of the activity aides.

When I got to the dining room, I pulled in the door and sat there. I thought maybe I was supposed to go to a table. But the only ones were far away and I would have to sit there where no one could see me. There were no floor aides in the dining room helping with snacks either.

One of the activity aides asked me what I wanted. I told her I wanted Kool-Aid or ice water. I also said I might be interested in the free snack if I liked it and if there was someone to feed me. But I knew I would have to wait my turn and realized I'd be last.

When it was my turn, there were only five minutes left of snacktime. The activity aide gave me a drink of Kool-Aid.. She said the free snack was cheese puffs. Then, she said she could not give them to me because my aide was not there to feed them to me. Then, my aide floated through the dining room and disappeared.

I drank most of the Kool-Aid. I gave up on the snack for several reasons: it wasn't my favorite and there was no one to help me eat it. I also suggested that they might want to have a free snack without cheese in it.

Then I went back up on the hallway to see what was going on. I did not see an aide anywhere. But I saw the director of nursing and told her that I got a drink but no snack because I was late and no one was there to feed me. She asked who my aide was and I told her.

I guess I will never know why that happened. Maybe because I never go they did not know what to do about me.

I do wonder why no one called the nurses station so that my aide could be paged to the dining room to help me.

Seeing the podiatrist OVER 14 weeks later

I last saw the podiatrist (who visits the nursing home) on February 1. He told me back then he could only cut my toenails every nine weeks because that's when Medicaid would reimburse him. I thought that was kind of arbitrary – and an awfully long time to go without a toenail trim. I also knew I've never let them grow that long.

The podiatrist came in late April, approximately eight weeks since I had seen him. I asked if the podiatrist would cut my toenails since it had been over two months. Since my name was not on the list, I was told I would have to wait until his next visit. I knew from a friend that Medicaid only pays for her 90-year-old diabetic mother to have a podiatrist cut her toenails every 12 weeks. I realize then I might have to wait longer than nine weeks to get them cut.

By the end of April my toenails were long. They grow 1.6 mm a month, and after two months they had grown 3.2 mm. For me, who always likes my toenails the same length, I felt like an eagle with talons.

I asked when the podiatrist would visit again, and no one seemed to know. I know someone arranged the podiatrist visits and I knew, even if the podiatrist did, someone here at the nursing home knew the schedule.

Since I had no idea when the podiatrist would visit my nails were long and bothering me, I asked if a nurse could do it. The nurse who usually trimmed them said she wouldn't because she felt any nurse could trim them.. After all, I am not diabetic.

Roberta/nurse manager said they would be cut, but could not get a nurse to say she would.  All of a sudden on May 2, a male nurse who's been here over a year came in and said he would cut my toenails. I was shocked! I asked him if he was sure he wanted to trim them. He assured me he did. Then he trimmed them and did a really good job. I complemented him and emailed the nurse manager telling her how pleased I was. I wondered if he would trim them every six weeks or so for me. That's not as often as I would like, but I will give a little to get a little.

Today I was in the dining room and I was told we residents needed to leave so it could be cleaned because the podiatrist was coming. I was told to see him since I had not seen him since February 1. But, I said my toenails were cut just a little over two weeks ago. I knew that the podiatrist would not cut them again, after them being cut a little over two weeks ago.. I explained that I have to wait 9 to 12 week so that Medicaid will reimburse him for it. I also said I did not have the funds to pay him.

But, the aides said I was always refusing to see the podiatrist. They felt I was being uncooperative. So, I agreed to see him and waited probably 45 minutes in the front lobby waiting.

I let all the older residents, those who are heavily medicated, and the anxious ones go first. I would not try to ditch the line, because I hate that, and I would not purposefully do it to someone else.

Finally, the podiatrist called my name. I told him the aides wanted him to check my toenails which were cut about two weeks ago. He pulled my shoe off, felt my toenails through my stocking and said it was not a medical necessity for them to be cut and he didn't.

So I left, and told both nurses what podiatrist told me.

I also talked to the director of nursing. She told me if I do not want to see the podiatrist, I do not have to. I told her I went because the aides said I refuse all the time and felt I was not being cooperative.

Maybe someday they will be a better system where maybe a retired nurse practitioner can cut nursing home resident's toenails. That way there would be less cost to Medicaid and the nurse practitioners would give better service and maybe cut toenails every 10 weeks instead of every 14 weeks.

Not feeling as Zen today.

They just do not know how to get me into that shower chair straight consistently. I would think they would want to learn that. The aides at Somerset did so why wouldn't they want to do it here.

Anyway I was in the chair okay but to go to the shower I needed to be able to straighten up or restand. I was told I could not do that by my aide J. She said you either go to the shower, or go back to bed. I opted for the shower. I was afraid I would slide out.

While she was washing me, she lifted my right leg. I actually expected to end up sliding onto the floor. Luckily, I didn't.

I made a major mess this morning in the bathroom. That usually only happens if I'm on the shower chair crooked, or it's not over the toilet properly. I had a poop spray on the floor two and half feet beside me on the right. And it did it every time I went. It even happened after my shower.

For a little while there I thought maybe they gave me some type of extra laxative I wasn't aware of. But, it might be just the stress I'm going through with this Hoyer lift situation.

After breakfast I was able to stand to transfer with the help of therapists. Then I stood again to get back into my power chair.

Then Ms. L put hot packs on my hip, thigh and knee to loosen up the spasticity. Then, she did some stretches. Her stretches are not as intense as Alex's are. But, at least I know I will not be horribly sore later.

When she went to put my right foot back on the foot rest, it spasmed and Ms. L could not break that spasm. So she just tried to loosen the muscles and eventually she got it up on the foot rest again.

She says she's aggravated that I'm not able to use the standing to transfer method after she recommended it last week. Ms. L told me it was approved and everything. But I still have the feeling something was not in order. Or, I would be standing to transfer.

There is no doubt I will be using the Hoyer until Roberta/nurse manager comes back next Tuesday.

That's going to seem like a very long six days.

Another Hoyer day

They lifted me with the Hoyer out of bed this morning like they have been. I may have been a bit straighter. Perhaps some of the aides have thought about what I have said about being crooked.

I just decided to go with the Hoyer and give up protesting. If they do not help me, there's not much I can do anyway. But, maybe if I'm quiet, they will decide to do it because I'm not giving them trouble. They get so defensive about everything. But it would be difficult to work here and have to see many of the things they see multiple times every day with residents.

After breakfast care, Ms. L/therapist and Alex/PT assistant assisted me to stand and transfer to the shower chair. I was certainly more comfortable standing to get into it.

Ms. L wanted to know how I was feeling earlier and I put my stoic face on. There's not much she can do with the big boss gone. So I decided just to put up with it. I can understand why captives have Stockholm syndrome and develop a relationship with the person who has kidnapped them. There isn't much else they can do to get free, and making their present more comfortable is better. I went with that thought today.

After a bathroom break Ms. L/therapist and Alex/PT assistant assisted me to stand and transfer back to my power chair. Alex put heat on my hip, thigh and knee. I felt my leg relax instantly.

Then Alex did some exercises. But he is strong and was really bending my knee and stretching my hip and thigh. I told him while it felt like I was stretching really well right then, I did not want to be in pain later. So I suggested he ease up some, which he did.

Previously, Ms. L/therapist asked me how things were going. I told her I suppose we could come up with some type of intervention plan for me to determine whether I am having a meltdown. I told her the only problem is a previous one I had stated in its preface that the aides and nurses had to make sure that my needs were met. In other words, they could not call "behavior" if I was upset because I could not get to the bathroom quick enough. She nodded knowingly. I said I can draw up a plan which is similar to that. I wonder if nursing management and everyone down the line would be interested.

We had a brief discussion about "behaviors". I told her I think everything gets blamed on "behaviors". I told her everything is not a behavior. For some things there is cause and effect. We also chatted about nurses and aides having behaviors – sometimes worse than residents they care for.

I feel the aides want assurances that I will not bend and straighten my knees when I'm frustrated or achy while standing. I want them to treat me with respect and honor my needs.

Perhaps I could work it out so we can come to an agreement. There must be a way that both they and me can get most of what we want.

Standing this morning – only with therapy

This Monday morning I was lifted with the Hoyer just like I have been for the last over two weeks. For some reason, I thought it would be different.

Riding up and down the hallways after breakfast Ms. L/therapist approached me. She asked me if I was ready. I was going to say – ready to escape – you betcha. But I didn't.

Instead, I came back to my room where Ms. L/therapist and Mr. A/PT assistant stood me to transfer into the shower chair. My aide held the chair and tipped it a bit. But at least I was in it better and not hurting like I was when I was lowered onto it crookedly with the Hoyer.

Then after my bathroom break and quite a long wait for my aide to return, my a.m. care was finished and Ms. L/therapist and Mr. A/PT assistant stood me to transfer back into my power chair. Ms. L arranged hot packs around my right leg to loosen up my muscles. I was sort of lost in thought while she was stretching me, and didn't really feel the burn.

Ms. L wanted to know why there was so much pushback from the aides about me transferring. She assured me everything was in order and have been shown to Roberta/nurse manager last week before she went on vacation. Ms. L said she had a discussion, with the aides, I guess. I just wonder what they said.

Earlier, when we were all together in my room. She told them they were keeping me from standing with assistance to transfer. They seemed to be finding all kinds of problems. One said I won't want to use a gait belt. Even though, I have not said that, they know from the past I dislike using it and so do they. Ms. L did explain that I could refuse it – if I wanted.

So, I think there is a mini coup d'état going on. The aides do not want to do this without some type of assurances by someone. Maybe they just want to wait until Roberta/nurse manager returns from vacation. Slick St.

Someone on the outside needs to take a look at the situation and figure out what needs to happen next. Maybe seeing the therapy plan for standing transfers might help me understand what the problem is. But, then again, I doubt it.

Ms. L/therapist said she would like to have each of the aides spend an hour sitting on my shower chair. She felt that would be the only way they would understand how I feel. But she did say there is no way that any of them could sit down on it and be as crooked as I was this morning.

It's unfortunate that the aides who care for me cannot understand something about me as basic as toileting and personal hygiene. I like to to be clean, and showers, though they are brief, are relaxing. I wonder if any of them feels any compassion about me and my situation.

My third Hoyer Sunday

I think this series of Hoyer articles is probably larger than a pamphlet and getting closer to the size of a dime novel. To me, there is nothing novel about using the Hoyer. Novel means "new" and there's nothing new about using it. I did six weeks of this Hoyer thing at my previous nursing home and I know how awful it is up close and personal.

This morning we had the same ineptness occur when I was transferred into the shower chair. AM/aide did not do her usual Hoyer transfer for some reason. She was not my aide but that should not matter. The results matter. Getting me comfortable in the shower chair so that I can sit there for almost an hour is what needs to happen.

So I was in it again crooked. My poor right leg and hip were hurting because they were hanging off the shower chair. There is nothing that can be done. I cannot be re-stood since standing is not allowed. I should have asked them to re-Hoyer me, but that would have required that another aide be beckoned to my room to assist.

Instead I sat in pain getting washed up. I should just have asked to be hoyered to the bed. But then getting back to the bathroom would have been in doubt.

No one knows what it feels like to be sitting and uncomfortable. The shower chair seat is made out of plastic and it's hard. There is a toilet seat on it with an opening in the front. Consequently, there isn't much comfort built in. The shower chair is meant for short stays – long enough to get a shower.

No other resident here gets hoyered onto a regular size shower chair like mine. One other female resident is hoyered onto a larger shower chair. But she has use of her hands and she might be able to scoot herself back. Regardless, she is not paralyzed on one side like me, so her situation is not similar. She's 75 years old and I hope they can get her into that larger shower chair in a way that's halfway comfortable. If she has to sit and be uncomfortable like me, I think it's barbaric. There needs to be a way to adjust a resident in the shower chair with a Hoyer.

Nothing can be done very quickly with the Hoyer. I always try to make sure I'm finished with my toileting before I head to breakfast. There is no way I can quickly get to the bathroom in the Hoyer. Having an accident would just happen.

As it was, I had be rolled back into the toilet pretty quickly midway through getting my hair combed for the day.

Luckily K, who is not my aide today, helped my aide get me pulled back into the shower chair properly after breakfast for my next potty run.

Maybe tomorrow, if therapy is here, things will be better.

I certainly hope so.

Another Saturday with the Hoyer

This morning two night shift aides got me up with the help of a day shift aide. I wonder if the night shift aides are not allowed to get me up with the Hoyer by themselves. And then, AM/aide did not do the Hoyer lift like she's done it before. She was not guiding the Hoyer sling like she has done before. I think my aide was doing it. AM/aide did not pull up on the Hoyer sling as I was lowered into the shower chair. She also did not quickly pull out the Hoyer pad from behind me like she did last week. We needed it out because I was being washed up. I don't know what they were thinking.

By the time K my aide came to do my wash up, it was later. Kay had to get another resident up. And she cannot make up for being behind schedule very well. I said I was crooked in the shower chair. K assured me she felt bad about my position, but she said there was nothing she could do. I told her we need a better method for using the Hoyer, and she agreed.

After breakfast when I was transferred to my bed to get my pants down and then to the shower chair K, pulled up on the Hoyer pad behind my left hip. That got me back in the chair the right way. K said that Hoyer has something wrong with it and does not lift me straight. She said one side of it seems to be lower and she compensates for that. The last thing I wanted to hear was that the Hoyer was not working properly.

Anyway K figured out what to do to get me into a better position on the shower chair. It worked much better after breakfast. Now, if the other aides will just do what K does I will be in a much better spot in the shower chair.

It's kind of weird because we did better the first weekend I used it than we are now. Probably everyone was being more careful because they had never really used it with me before.

So, I sat and composed an email to Ms. L/therapist. I told her that we need to have a plan for the Hoyer's use to make it more functional when I'm getting onto the shower chair. I also said we need a Hoyer discontinuation plan that is well drawn out. Not everyone is a good writer or even a good thinker. Maybe that part of my plan has not even been started, but only talked about. Perhaps therapy thought I'd return to standing for transfers with the aides, like I used to. But it is going to be more complicated than that. There will have to be planning steps..

E mentioned yesterday morning that she's afraid as soon as I start standing with the aides to transfer that I will bend and straighten my knees and then nothing will be solved. They want some type of assurance that I will not bend and straighten my knees while transferring. Maybe with the help of the ombudsman something can be worked out.

Another horrible Friday

I wonder when I'm supposed to do when I'm uncomfortable on the shower chair and no one will fix it. Whatever I do, I have to be very careful. What I did this morning did not work. The only way I got to be more comfortable was to be hoyered back into bed without the warm shower which would have made everything better.

Let's back up 45 minutes. I got my suppositories at 6:21 a.m. I put the call light on at 6:41 a.m. That meant I wanted to get up. I was hoping they would be in my room within 10 minutes. That would give me 10 or 15 minutes in the bathroom – maybe – before I would need to get going to get my shower.

Instead, no one came to my room until 7 AM, or a little after. That meant we were hurrying more than we really should have. I asked them to please make sure my right hip was back in the chair. I guess to them it looks okay. But since I cannot stand up to resituate myself in the shower chair, they have to get it right the first time. This morning they didn't and I'm the one who paid for it.

I was crooked on the shower chair. When they pulled out the Hoyer pad straps, I slid a bit more. There is no reason for that to happen. They act like they do not know how to get a Hoyer pad out from under me. AM (night shift aide) does it so slick. She pulls me forward and pulls it out. She's been an aide since she was 18 years old – and probably has used a few different Hoyer lifts. I wish she had been here this morning.

Everyone acted like their head was up there butt. They put me in the bathroom and I was not comfortable. There was not enough tension on the call light. They have no idea how hard it is for me to turn on the call light when they do not situate me properly. So I pulled the call light on before they left. I told them I wanted to be more comfortable. They will not do an arm and leg lift to get me back in the chair. Yes, it is not that easy. But, the only other alternative would be to use the Hoyer to get me back.

By the time I got to my room I was leaning in the chair and both of my hips were hurting. It was just because I was slanted and twisted in the chair. Sitting on a shower chair crooked is uncomfortable. I was told I had to go that way or not get a shower. I said I felt they were abusing me.

They went and got my nurse and she told me I had to go back to bed or I would be sent out for a psych eval. So I was hoyered back into bed. Two aides washed me up. It was never my shower day so my hair was not washed and my legs were not shaved. This same thing happened two weeks ago when the same two aides were assigned to me – E and J.

Ms. L the therapist came in while I was in here by myself and everyone was at resident breakfast. She asked me what happened. I asked her why I was not allowed to get up this morning. She assured me she told my nurse but I told her no one knew about it and they would not let me stand. If my standing was A-OK with everybody, then why didn't the aides stand me. Maybe they are supposed to be trained first – and I didn't know about that.

Suffice it to say that I made it through the morning. Ms. L put hot packs on my right hip and thigh for about 15 minutes. Then, she did some range of motion on my very stiff right knee and hip. She told me it's much stiffer when I'm lying down.

Then Ms. L/therapist, got me up with the assistance of an aide. Getting me up out of bed wasn't easy or slick. Ms. L told them they needed to raise my bed. For a minute there she was starting to sound like me. So, I guess I have to wait until Monday to officially start to stand with aides as they are trained by Ms. L.

For this weekend I will be using the Hoyer. I certainly hope the weekend aides are compassionate and allow me to sit back in the shower chair as much as possible, so I can be more comfortable.

Roberta's going on vacation already

It seems like vacation time gets here earlier every year. Our fearless leader here at the nursing home, whom I will call Roberta, is heading out to vacation tomorrow. When she goes on vacation, it's always a big production. This afternoon she said they were having ice cream for the residents. I didn't go to the festivities but I'm sure that Roberta explained to the residents she will be on vacation and that if they are good they will get pizza or some other treat when she returns. Roberta says this every time and despite how the residents might act while she's gone, there's usually a treat for the residents when she returns.

Roberta told me in the hallway she was going on vacation. I was surprised because I thought she said a couple weeks ago she was going on the 28th which is two weeks from now. But I guess I must've confused it with something else, or maybe she did.

The aides are also starting to request time off. But, they took time off in February and March as soon as they got there income tax refund checks. So it seems like everybody's on vacation but us residents who live here all the time and get out only occasionally.

Roberta doesn't give us two weeks notice of her vacation. I don't think she wants us to be able to pinpoint the date. Or, at least that seems like the way it is.

She told me to email her if I have any concerns. But I try very hard not to do that. She gave me her cell phone number several years ago and I have never used it. I just don't feel right about calling her.

I did tell her that one of the aides "J" got knocked in the head Sunday morning by my white cabinet door because the hinge let loose. I told her months ago someone wrote in the maintenance log that the middle hinge on the white cabinet needed tightened. I told Roberta it never was because MM (maintenance man) never came to me to get my key.

Roberta told me she'd make sure my cabinet got fixed. And what do you know, MM fixed it this afternoon. I don't even think it took him 15 minutes. So, I wonder why it could not have been done on Monday, or at least on Tuesday.

Sometimes I think these folks who work at nursing homes dream up scenarios where they can be "surefire" heroes. Yesterday it was Dr. M, my doctor here and the medical director of the nursing home. He said he would advocate for me to Roberta so that I could get the Hoyer lift discontinued. Then, today the two therapists who worked with me suggested I might be able to stand with the assistance of the aides starting tomorrow after using the Hoyer lift for two weeks.

I told the therapist Ms. L that I thought we would need to go at it slowly. I told her I know some aides will abide by that and probably others will not.

The only thing I'm ever sure of is that things will change. I may not like the change, but all things change.

Hot packs for stiffness and pain

I told Ms. L that I had not had hot packs since 1978. That seems like a very long time but that's the last time I can member getting them with any degree of regularity. Back then, I was getting therapy at the hospital in Lancaster, and they relaxed my shoulders with hot packs. It started in 1977 and ended in 1978. Then Ms. L and Mr. A assisted me to stand using the gait belt. Then they assisted me to get into my shower chair to go to the bathroom.

I told them I was really grateful that they helped me. But, I did wait quite a long time for them to get up to the floor. Ms. L had told me she would help me transfer to the shower chair. So I was going to hold her to it.

Then afterwards I stood to get back into my power chair. Ms. L brought two hot packs one I sat on to relax my hip and thigh, and another was strapped around my knee. The warmth felt wonderful.

I told her I was afraid that I would get burned. But she stayed here and we talked. I think the hot packs were on about 15 minutes. I told her a bit about my first physical therapist Lois who worked for my orthopedic surgeon. I told her Lois made me take off my clothing except for underpants and a bra, so she could see my muscle tone. I told Ms. L I was mortified having to walk so exposed in front of somebody I had just met.

I told her how Lois and the other staff took books out from the Columbus Metropolitan Library and how I made them crafts. I told her I read books on philosophy and a lot of other subjects during those years of intense therapy.

I told her about my dad's history in Lancaster Ohio and how the business which is now Memac Industries got started. I asked if she had heard about the Lancaster Ohio book "Glass House" by Brian Alexander. She said she did not know there was a book. I told her since I am from there, I enjoyed reading it.

That she took the hot packs off and exercised my right leg, thigh and hip some. After she took the heat off, it was so easy to bend my leg. It was almost unbelievable. The hot pack on my knee made it feel so much better also.

Then Ms. L set me up at the desktop. I think that's the first time a therapy staffer here has set me up. Although, Ms. A, who used to work here, might have done it because she was very helpful.

It was a much more productive day. But, there is a bit of soreness in my right hip, thigh, and knee.

I'm going to look for a safe warming device that I can use to relax my muscles. Even a hot water bottle would be better than not having anything to use.

Emotion and problems

It's very difficult to remove emotion from your difficulties. Everything we experience is colored by the feelings we have at the time.

Today I went down to therapy to stand for tolerance. I had no idea what that meant here.

Ms. L/facility therapist put me in the hallway. I understand why now because the therapy room was busy with other residents. I never saw the therapy mats or the parallel bars. I don't know what happened to them.

Ms. L told me she wanted me to stand with my arms supported on an over the bed table. I told her I was dubious because over the bed tables are not very strong. Nevertheless she wanted me to do it. She explained why. She said that would get some weight off my legs and put it on my arms. But, she didn't realize that I never put weight on my arms, and that it might be uncomfortable..

She and Mr. A got me up with a gait belt which smashes my almost boob, which doesn't feel the greatest. But it's necessary for safety, or so they say.

And so I stood but I did not feel like I was standing on my feet like I usually do. Of course, I have not stood since Thursday and I only did it twice.

My knees locked stiff and hyperextended. I asked if I could bend and straighten my knees to relax my legs. They were not very happy about it but they let me. Actually, they didn't have much choice.

I told them I was really stiff and have no opportunity to move my legs. I told them I'm always trapped and confined no matter where I am.

Putting my arms on the table made them numb. I'm sure they did not foresee that because they were trying to find a resting spot.

So we stopped. I should have had her check to make sure the Hoyer straps were not in my way because I thought they were all morning.

My joystick seemed like it was pretty far back. Ms. L could not figure out what the problem was. They thought I looked straighter than I usually do in my power chair.

I fumbled and got to the elevator and we made it upstairs. I was having trouble using the joystick. Ms. L got me some water because I was feeling stressed.

I went down towards my room and then headed towards the dining room. I went in and the table where I sit was too close to the table behind it. Instead of saying something, I turned and went in. When I went to turn and face in the proper direction, the back wheel of my chair hit a female resident's wheelchair. Then, the power chair started moving forward. It pushed against the table and pushed it. The table pushed another female resident's wheelchair and slid her sideways. I finally said, "Turn it off, turn it off". And J my aide turned it off.

There was a scurry of activity. Then, J asked if I should be removed from the dining room and be fed in my room. I told them it was an accident, but I'm not sure they believed me.

E used my joystick and put me back to the table and my chair was turned off. I only ate part of lunch because it had been a disturbing morning. When I went to leave, I asked J if she would grab my pants on the right side and pull me towards the right. When she did that, my left arm rest popped up and moved forward an inch (all by itself).

After that happened, I could reach the joystick just fine. I came back to my room and emailed Ms. L to tell her that I thought the Hoyer pad or its straps had become stuck in my armrest and moved it far enough to affect the positioning of the joystick. I wonder if she can help me figure out how to keep that from happening again.

An annual breast ultrasound – 14 months later

I wrote here previously that I did not know if I would get a left breast ultrasound in 2017. It seems an ultrasound is not considered a very good breast cancer screening tool. However, it is the easiest one for me to undergo. And after waiting for an additional two months, I finally got my annual one.

When I went into the ultrasound room, it looked like a new machine. The screen was larger and everything about it seemed different. I had to park backwards where they were sure I would not see anything on the screens. (Not that I know what I'm looking at anyway.)

The tech told me they would be scanning my right chest where I've had a mastectomy and lymph nodes under my right arm, and I told her okay. I think that was last done in early 2014.

The right chest ultrasound took no time. But the left breast took longer. It also seemed like she was going over the same spot. When she finished, she told me she would have to go talk to the radiologist.

I was asked to wait until she returned. A few minutes later she came in with the radiologist. I knew that meant they had seen something. She ran the ultrasound wand over my left breast while the radiologist watched. They had a brief discussion about what they observed and he left. The technician said I was finished and a report would be sent to my doctor. My aide got me dressed and we left.

I never asked them what they might have been concerned about. I guess maybe I should have. But I didn't. I thought maybe they were talking about some technical thing or some different type of tissue that they were looking at. I thought maybe because I'm 68, there might have been some type of calcification. I had no idea what they were talking about. But, I thought if I need to know, I would be told.

I returned glad to have it over for another year. But when I called my sister to tell her, she wondered why I had not asked about it. I told her if it was important, I will be know about it soon enough.

I still like the old phrase about "not borrowing trouble".

Hell on maintenance

It seems like something is always breaking in my nursing home room. I usually have a list of things that need to be done. And it's so hard when you have to wait for the maintenance guy MM to get around to it.

I have a white cabinet where I keep my personal items and snacks locked up. I brought it from a previous nursing home. Ever since I've had a laptop, which is stored inside, the hinges get ruined on the one side of the cabinet by being bumped. The middle one has been without screws in it for months. I asked the aides to put the hinge replacement on MM's list. But if they did – nothing happened. I ceased worrying about it. After I asked several times and nothing happened, I just gave up.

This morning J my aide opened that white cabinet. There was a crash and she yelled in pain. The door which is about 5 feet high fell off the top hinge and hit her above her left eyebrow. I felt really badly about it and apologized. I told her I knew the maintenance man would not get to it and the door would fall off and possibly hurt someone. So, needless to say, that door being fixed has probably moved to the top of MM's list.

Then, right before breakfast when I was lifted with the Hoyer onto the bed to have my pants pulled up, the call light came on. The aides tried to turn it off, but it would not go off. Since it was before breakfast we had to hurry to the dining room. After breakfast my nurse DD asked me what I thought they could do to fix it. I told her we needed to make sure there were no kinks in the tubing which could cause the switch to remain in the open position. Other than that, I had no idea.

DD said she would contact the maintenance man or the nurse manager. But as the day wore on I was getting concerned. I don't like to be here at night without any way to call the aides or nurse if I need assistance. So I emailed the nurse manager telling her the call light was in the on position and could not be turned off. I sent MM a copy of the email.

When second shift aides got here, one of the aides went to get a call light from another room. Mine is different because I have a blow in call light that uses my breath to activate the switch which turns on the call light. On the others, a button is pressed. The aides wanted to use the probe to push into the wall receptacle to see if the switch would shut off. When plugged in the probe and hit the cancel button, the call light shut off. Since it had been lit up and beeping since before breakfast, I'm sure the nurses were relieved not to hear it.

When I asked H, the aide, how she knew to do that. She said she worked briefly at another nursing home for a few weeks and learned it there.

My hats off to H. MM will have less to do tomorrow because of her.

Aftermath of an aide's weight loss surgery

Abigail was eighteen when she began working here last year as a hospitality aide. She passed ice, made beds, escorted and pushed residents to meals, and generally helped the aides. Abigail is tall and was very obese back then. Consequently, she was not the best worker. Nevertheless, she took the nurse aide training class and became an aide.

Abigail told me she was going to have weight loss surgery. She was to have it done at Children's Hospital in the state capital. I asked her if she was going to counseling before surgery and she told me she wasn't. She said they did a lot of fat shaming at counseling. I told her that would be part of it. I also told her that nutrition would be involved and other types of coping mechanisms. She didn't seem to be interested. At one time she thought she could go off to college several counties away, come back to have the surgery, and return to college without problems. I told her that was not realistic.

Even though Abigail wasn't a good worker, she was a good talker. She wanted to work in the entertainment field as a manager of a musical artist. That sounded fascinating to me I liked her stories. I never knew whether she made them up or not and did not really care. When she was telling me stories, I was entertained. She is a fairly bright girl but I could tell her weight really had her down.

Abigail had the weight loss surgery at the end of June. She did not return to work until late in August. She complained constantly that she couldn't eat much and that she had to drink a lot of fluid. I wondered what the long-term ramifications of the surgery would be. Abigail worked from August until Christmas Eve. She was tired, stressed, and there was a disagreement with one or more of the other aides. I don't know if somebody teased her, or what happened. She was in my room and all of a sudden decided she had to leave. She ended up going home. The next thing I know she was let go or quit.

Since Abigail was a bit of a prima donna, not many of the other aides missed her. One of them, Ashley even said she would quit if Abigail ever returned. I thought that was strong language. I reminded the other aides that Abigail was going through what amounted to a serious health problem. I never think forced weight loss is good. But there aren't many options for an eighteen-year-old who believes that diets can't work for her.

The nurse manager here hired Abigail back a couple of months ago because there were only three aides total on afternoon shift. Ashley I had quit at the end of February to work at another nursing home that paid more. We all figured she would return when she realized how much work was involved in making more money.

Ashley came back about a month ago. There were also rumors that others would be hired back. I wondered if Abigail's returning was just a stopgap measure. But they needed Abigail to fill the schedule. Then, when they were better staffed, Abigail would be expendable.

From what happened that scenario played out. Abigail did something unprofessional talking about a resident within his earshot. The other aides reported Abigail to the nurse. She was asked to leave. Then she talked with the nurse manager and decided she wanted to quit. So Abigail is no longer here. We will go back to being shortstaffed but not as bad as before.

Abigail has gone through it since the weight loss surgery. She has lost an amazing amount of weight but her hair is quite thin and she looks unwell. I have read that gastric bypass makes the stomach  so small that any overeating causes great discomfort.

I hope Abigail finds a way through this difficult valley she's in. Weight loss is not a destination, it is a journey just like life. Being proud of watching what you eat is necessary to stick with it and stay healthy.

That darn Hoyer lift

I have been using that Hoyer lift for over a week. I thought for sure physical therapy would have me back to standing with assistance by now.

But it looks like it's going to take a while before management or therapy decides I can stand with the assistance of the aides. I think the aides are being taught a lesson. I bet they all complained about my care and transfers to the nurses, the nurse manager, and others. I think maybe the nurse manager had decided to stop me bending and straightening my knees when frustrated. So, the aides have to use the Hoyer in the nurse manager knows how they left me for sure now. She knows using the Hoyer is harder on me and it complicates be aides process with me. I'm sure they are complaining that it's more difficult taking care of me now than it was before. But if I were allowed to go back to standing too quickly, nothing about the process would have changed.

The therapy manager Ms. L is training the aides to use a gait belt and go slower. With the in-service and use a gait belt, it guarantees we will not "just go back" to "business as usual". She is trying to show the aides how to lift me. This is a bold step. It was not done my previous nursing home, even when I reported rough treatment. It is also never been done here when I reported rough treatment. I don't think there was ever a doubt that I was being treated too roughly. I did not say every aide was rough, there were only a few.. One way to get rid of rough treatment might me to get the offending aides to be retrained through in-service. If that were a job requirement if rough treatment was reported, it would result in there being less of it.

There is only one aide who is openly rough. I'm not quite sure why she's like that. I have told her she jerks when she lifts, but she does not think so. I don't know how someone in management could convince her otherwise. I don't know if different lifting instructions will change the way she lifts. I know she was even offended when I suggested she change sides each time she lifted me. That way one shoulder would not be pulled on more than the other.

Some aides are more careful with the Hoyer than others. Ms. E (aide) was in a bad mood today and she had to help with me and was not pleased. She feels the Hoyer causes a lot of work. She already thinks I am high maintenance as it is. So, using the Hoyer is not improving the job she has to do..

That Hoyer can inflict pain and bruise me, even with everyone being careful. It bumps me and I'm unable to get away from it. After week, I have a few bruises.

I am having a difficult time getting lifted far enough back into the shower chair. Today I tried to tell S (my aide) to pick up on my right leg as I was lowered into the shower chair. That way my body would feel like it was trying to bend. When my aide did that, I was able to be lifted farther back into the chair – which was more comfortable.

I'm going to write up something for Ms. L (therapy manager) to read. I will highlight how each dayshift aide lifts. She might find it helpful to know how I feel when certain aides care for me. I think she'd also be interested in which aides hurry out of my room and which aides try to find things to do to stay in my room.

I do think management should realize that the aides do need to be in serviced to fine tune their skills.

Surprise visit from the facility shrink

Yesterday afternoon around 5 PM or so the facility psychiatrist and his assistant walked into my room. I was a bit surprised because I have not seen him since 2012.

When I first came here,I was told I had to see him. But, he was not the psychiatrist that I would want to see and, two years later I asked the nurse manager if I could look for another psychiatrist. It's not that large a town so there would not be many. I did see one for the next three years. I only went every three months for 10 minute medicine appointments. The psychiatrist would talk briefly with me and update or change medicines based on what he and I felt I needed.

But since I did not want my medicines changed or increased, the visits were pretty much pro forma. Also the facility had to transport me and all I could do was go out to that short appointment and come right back. Before, I was able to hire someone to take me to the psychiatrist and then afterwards we'd go shopping and get lunch. The outing afterwards always made the day better.

I got tired of the process in 2015 and stopped going to the psychiatrist.

This month the nurse manager said, "You won't see a psychiatrist". That isn't exactly correct. But there is a system for folks on Medicare/Medicaid who see a psychiatrist. I knew I would have to make regular visits. I also don't know if the psychiatrist I saw before would see me again.

I told Dr. S I was surprised that he came in. His assistant wanted to know if I was told he would be seeing me. I told her I do not remember being told. But I said it was okay and I did not refuse to see him.

He said, "I'm trying to prevent them from throwing you out of here for not following your medical regimen". I was a bit surprised and felt like he was threatening me. I know a physician or psychiatrist can make recommendations about discharging a resident, if they feel he or she is a troublemaker. I don't want that. I have been involuntarily discharged once and I really do not want to repeat it. Although, it happens a lot more frequently than most people realize.

Dr. S asked if my Zoloft (50 mg a day) was working. I told him I thought it was okay. I said last July the dosage was dropped by my GP/medical director here. He said that was a government directive and shouldn't have happened. Nevertheless, it did and I didn't do anything to change it afterwards. Studies have shown that psychotropic drugs cause problems in people over 60. Some drugs make them drowsy which can cause them to fall and get injured. So, it makes a certain amount of sense. It also makes economical sense to cut back on the number of drugs that seniors (whose population is growing at an alarming rate) are taking. It would save Medicare and Medicaid as well as private insurance money. So I'm wondering if that's not one reason it's happening.

Dr. S said he would recommend I take 125 mg of Zoloft now. I have not taken that much since 1995 or 1996. I told him I really do not want my medicines changed or increased.. He said he would take a look at my med list, and that he would not change anything without discussing it with me. Resident Rights designate that's what's supposed to happen. But I don't know that it always does.

When I emailed a couple of friends about what  Dr. S said during his visit, both commented that he threatened me. One thought I should register a complaint. But, I'm pretty sure that would go nowhere. Nevertheless, I am glad I told my friends. I'm sure some of them have no idea what is said to nursing home residents, even ones like me, who are "alert and oriented x3".

A better day – not sure

There was all kinds of hell, havoc, and hassle about my shower this morning. We just didn't have with right aide here to do the magic trick of getting me up quicker with the Hoyer. So, the slow process ensued and slowness bothers me. I guess it's because at home I always got challenged when I was slow. My father did not like slowness because he felt being slow was like being lazy.

So we were playing catch up all morning. I said I wanted to stop using the Hoyer lift. And I got such a look from one of the aides.

I actually got stuck (bare behind to shower chair seat) and I was stuck fast. When the aides used the Hoyer to lift me, it lifted the shower chair because it was stuck to me. I told the aides to go ahead and lift me because the shower chair would drop – and it did.

Later, after breakfast Ms. L the therapy manager came in to see how well I could stand. She brought a gait belt which I hate because they always end up at my armpits. I've also had a mastectomy on the right side so it doesn't feel the greatest. But it was necessary so the lifters would feel more comfortable.

I was sitting slightly askew so I told Ms. L that we would have to be careful. She did it very slowly and showed the aides how to lift me. She told them to be careful of my shoulders and to try not to jerk me. (I wonder if this is because I had reported that one of the aides jerks hard on my shoulders and the others don't.) I guess we will find out over time.

I was a bit anxious because I wondered if my legs would feel weak. I haven't stood by myself with someone holding on for over a week. When you don't use it, you lose it.

But I was able to stand pretty well and did not feel like I was trembling at all. I was also surprised that I was not lightheaded.

Ms. L said she will work with me each day (I don't know how many days) to make sure I am standing safely and well.

I did tell her that I was, at times, bending and straightening my knees in order to move and also out of frustration. She said she was surprised I said that. I told her it happened and I have to acknowledge it. I said I would try not to do that again so that I will not frighten anyone or make them uneasy. Standing is that important.

She said it may be a couple of weeks before I'm off the Hoyer, or it could take a month. She said, at this point she is just not sure.

But I was awfully grateful to stand up. Even though my next transfer was done with the Hoyer.

Med increase – I was told about

This morning my nurse was finished passing medicine pretty early. I went up to the nurses station after breakfast to get mine.

It took Hilda (the name I'm giving her) quite a while to get to me. I wondered what the heck was going on. I thought maybe I was out of a medicine.

All of a sudden Hilda walked up and said she needed to tell me something. She said the night shift nurse told her that my Tylenol had been increased at bedtime from two regular strength to two extra strength. She said I was to get that 1000 mg of Tylenol twice a day. I have to say she really surprised me.

I told her I did not want to take that much Tylenol. I told her I used to take more when I first came here. But I said, as she already knows, I no longer want to take that much. I asked her if I could refuse it and she said I could. She told me about it because it was scheduled, she would have just given it to me. I asked why the dosage was changed and why I was not told. She said the pharmacy changed it because they do not want residents taking too many PRNs (as needed, when requested) meds.

As I asked a couple more questions, the social services nurse came by. She heard the conversation and said that I asked for a lot of PRN meds and pharmacy wants to eliminate that. It may have something to do with stocking the proper amount of medicine. But, I do not think they order Tylenol and other OTC pain relievers from the pharmacy, although they might. I was shown a medicine sheet that showed several check offs of PRN requests for regular strength Tylenol and ibuprofen. But, since I usually only get two PRNs a day I don't think that's a lot.

I thanked Hilda for telling me and rode up the hall to think about it. I realized maybe they just wanted me to designate what I wanted to be given at 4 PM and at bedtime. So I went back and asked if I could have a regular strength ibuprofen scheduled for 4 PM, and a regular strength Tylenol and ibuprofen scheduled for bedtime. She said that could be done, and she would make the call to change it. I'm sure that will require a call to the nurse practitioner or the doctor.

As I was writing this, a thought came to me. The aides take Tylenol and ibuprofen liberally. I don't know if the facility buys it for them or if it comes out of the resident Tylenol and ibuprofen. I would certainly hope the facility is buying it for employees. But, that may not be the case. I would certainly hope that no one would fudge the books to make it look like I asked for more PRNs than I actually get.

I can never quite understand employees who do not bring their own over-the-counter meds to work with them. Why do they expect their employer to provide it? But, if they are taking it, I hope they're taking the over-the-counter meds provided for them – not making off with them when nobody's looking..

At lunchtime Hilda approached me in the dining room. She told me the regular strength ibuprofen had been ordered at 4 PM and that a regular strength ibuprofen and a regular strength Tylenol were scheduled for bedtime. I was glad it was worked out.

I hope I won't have to be concerned about somebody making the decision to up my pain relievers without telling me soon again.

What is abuse?

That is a good question. Do I know what abuse is? Does anyone?

Neglect or abuse starts anytime an employee of a nursing home makes it more difficult for me to get care. Unless I'm given a very good reason why some normal care procedure of mine has to be changed. I am not in favor of what has been decided.

This nursing home has been very difficult to live in this year. I wonder if it's because we have a Republican president  I have not read the Trump administration's plans for long-term care. They may recommend fewer rules and regulations and more inspections. Owners and managers would not look on more inspections fondly.

Last Wednesday when I bent and straightened my knees twice during a transfer, I was told I now have to be transferred with a Hoyer exclusively – which complicated my life.

Over the weekend the rules were a bit more lax. I was able to get up and go to the dining room two days in a row. I was not required to put on slacks because it takes an extra step in each transfer which requires toileting. I should be dressed with slacks on and I know that. But, I got a dispensation, that allowed the weekend to work better. However, that went away today

Instead, because I was not in the dining room by 8 AM, I was required to stay in my room. The Hoyer did not lift me out of bed until 7:05 a.m. So, I could do little to hurry the progress. When my aide set me by the call light while I was in the shower chair, she said she would return with my breakfast after she finished working the dining room where the other residents (and usually I) eat.

Another aide opened my door at 8:50 a.m. to say that my aide would bring breakfast soon. Ten minutes later, at 9:10 a.m. I put the call light on. My aide did not come in my room until 9:30 a.m.

I ate a piece of toast with peanut butter for breakfast and drank two cups of tea. That was it.

Then my aide (going at a snail's pace) did the rest of my care, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, etc.

By the time she finished and the other two aides could assist with the Hoyer transfer, it was 11:03 a.m. I had been sitting in that shower chair for 3 hours and 58 minutes.

That's a long time to sit on plastic. I certainly hope that was an accident. I certainly DO NOT want to experience that again, unless there's a pretty good explanation as to why I have to.

I know what happened today is definitely neglect and probably abuse.