Strategizing an Involuntary Discharge Notice

I went out with my friend Mike today and we had a fairly nice day. I got my hair trimmed, I shopped for a while, we had lunch, and we returned a bit late.

I thought it was strange that I was almost escorted to my room by my aide, which never happens. She assisted me to get to the bathroom and the other two were trailing in behind. It seems like they have been doing that all day today. It's like there is a holding pen out there for aides.

After I was in bed, but not set up, Jess asked me if I had a woman with me visiting. I told her it was just Mike and that he was already gone. She said there was a woman out there waiting to see me. I thought to myself, uh oh, I wonder who that is?.

Stephanie told me it was the administrator of the nursing home about 40 miles away. I said I did not have an appointment scheduled, nor did I want to move there, so I did not want to see her. I assumed she left.

After a while, the aides came in and set me up with my laptop.

I emailed the ombudsman to let her know what had transpired since I returned. It is after hours and I knew I would not get a response. I made sure my sister and a couple of friends got copies of the emails.

While I was working on my journal, my sister called and we talked about having another facility visitor who wanted to talk about me moving.

In the midst of our discussion the administrator, nurse manager, and another female came in to tell me that they were issuing me another Involuntary Discharge 30 day Notice. I kept Janice on the phone for moral support. Although, she said she was not able to hear them. I asked the administrator if she would scan the letter because I could not read it otherwise. She said she would, and she did.

So I'm going to appeal it. But that's only to give me time. I told Janice I need to get rid of my extra stuff here and see if I can downsize what I have. Then, I will look for another place. I may move to the town 40 miles away if they'll take me. Who knows, they might even give me a decent place to live. But, I somehow doubt it.

I just wonder if the Ohio Department of Health knows how much retribution residents or their family members have to suffer after they make a complaint.

A backwards Sunday

I wonder if a dayshift aide ever considers the consequences to their coworkers when they call off, especially on a Sunday. After all, we have fewer aides, only three, on weekend days. Any dayshift aide who calls off should know their coworkers will have a challenging day. It's also almost impossible to get another aide to fill in, particularly on a Sunday.

Today, we residents dealt with the one aide call off scenario. We had two aides and a night shift aide stayed over until 10 AM. He was able to help with breakfast by assisting residents to eat, including me.

But, let's face it. Night shift aides are not used to the fast pace of dayshift. I bet watching the aides moving around made him almost fall into a hypnotic state after he'd been here all night.

My aide was late getting to me. She was already on a different section of the hall doing rounds when she heard there was a call off. Then, she had to abandon that assignment and instead come to assist me.

I was so concerned sitting in the bathroom waiting for my aide to come and do my wash up to get me ready for the day. I don't think anyone can really understand how antsy I was wondering what was going on to make her so late.

My aide got me ready quickly enough, even with her late start. That meant serving breakfast was already behind, because it hadn't even started yet.

But, without the third aide, lunch was more difficult. A housekeeper helped to pass the trays. But, with the slowest cook overseeing the newest dietary aides, things moved even slower. Even though I understood dietary was struggling, I wish the cook had thought to undercook our entrée. That way it might not have dried-up waiting in the steam table.

Since I got my meal last, the boneless chicken thigh, was dry and hard. The potato smiles were okay but I only got four of them. I decided to eat the strawberry rhubarb pie to fill up.

In the end, it was a mentally tiring day watching the aides and the dietary staff struggle to do a more difficult job on this Sunday.

Resident radiant heater on in July

Ever since I moved to this nursing home, I noticed the temperatures in this building are strange. In the wintertime it is usually overly warm after they turn the building's heat on November 1. But, before that, I could probably freeze to death in my room. Two years ago housekeeping told me they could turn on the radiant heater above the window if I was cold, before they turned the building's heat on. A couple of days it was cold outside, and cold in my room. So, I asked them to put it on. It takes a while for the radiant heater to warm up. It's nothing like a forced air heater or furnace.

I waited for it to warm the room. When it did, it did not shut off. I could tell from the way the radiant heater works that it has no thermostat, per se. That made me kind of nervous. I decided to cover up with extra blankets at night, when it's usually coolest, and deal with it until the facility's heat was turned on.

But, in the summer, even with the air-conditioning on in the building, it still gets very warm in some spots. I also know that some residents on the other end are too cool from the AC. They sometimes ask that the AC be turned off. That's weird when I would like it to be cooler in my room. But, I know, how difficult it is to get the temperature right to please all the residents.

For months, since the spring, particularly on warmer spring days, it felt so very warm in my room. To me, it felt like the central heating was on while I was using air conditioning (my window air conditioner)  I mentioned this to almost everybody, aides, nurses, and management. I just thought it strange that it was so hot in here. I thought there had to be a reason for it.

I don't know why I didn't consider that a resident had the radiant heater on over their window. I guess I thought none of them would try to do that on their. I know my radiant heater has no knob on it. So, either the aides had to figure out how to turn it up and down without one, or I had to wait until housekeeping/maintenance was available to turn it off or on.

I heard over a week ago that the female resident next door is turning on her radiant heater. When it's on, it heats up the end part of the hall. Personally, I think the heater should be disconnected, so she cannot turn it on in the summertime. I don't think certain residents should be allowed to have the radiant heaters on unless were having a really bad cold snap. And then, it should only be put on if the outside temperature goes below a predetermined number.

Last week housekeeping had to get the maintenance man to turn my next-door neighbor's radiant heater off. This morning one of the aides said they heater was on again. It's only 73° outside today and this building is rather warm. But, I'm sure maintenance turned the ACs thermostat up due to us having lower temperatures outside.

Congregant living is problematic when some residents do not consider the welfare of others, and only are concerned about their own needs.

A scary half hour around midnight

I've been trying to get used to the night splints I started wearing almost a month ago. I did really good after the first couple of nights and went five nights wearing them most of the night. Then things went downhill, and I was only able to tolerate them for 3 to 4 hours a night before my right leg throbbed with pain.

So, I've been trying to figure out what I need to do to be able to wear them more consistently. I reasoned that maybe some aides were putting them on tighter than others. So I've been trying to "fine-tune" the process a bit.

But last night something must've gone wrong. The splints felt fine and I was able get to sleep in less than an hour after they were put on. They did not feel overly tight.

However, I woke at 12:30 a.m. like I was coming out of a bad dream or nightmare and my right leg was throbbing. I took a couple of minutes to make sure I wasn't dreaming the whole thing, only to realize that my leg was hurting so bad I didn't know how long I could stand it. I put my call light on so that an aide would come to help me.

I wondered which aide would come and what their first comment would be. Some have been very negative about me wearing the splints. They feel they will not help my ankle/foot contracture. But, I want to give them a try to see.

After ten minutes no one had answered my call light. I wondered what was going on. I knew a new male resident came in yesterday afternoon. I wondered if he was anxious and keeping the aides busy with him on his first night.

After a few more minutes, I thought I had better start to call "NURSE" to see if someone might hear me. At first, I thought maybe my call light did not come on. I've had several days recently when it was not lighting up in the hallway. As the minutes passed, I became more anxious. I started to yell a bit louder "NURSE". And I got progressively louder. I wondered where everyone was. But, I am way at almost the end of the hall, far away from the nurses station.

The more I called "NURSE" the more my leg hurt. Then, after thirty minutes, a male aide came in. I asked where he was and he said he was busy. I told him I had been calling for help for twenty minutes and told him I was pretty scared.

After that he loosened my brace and tried to make me more comfortable. I ended up needing to take them off. I never did figure out what caused it to hurt so much last night.

Dealing with hostile surroundings

There are a lot of resident changes going on in this nursing home. Earlier this year, a man close to 60 who'd lived here for over three years, moved live with others who were hearing-impaired like him. Then, yesterday I heard Social Services telling a visually impaired resident that he will soon be moving to live with visually impaired people like himself. I would think residents would be happier living with others with a similar disability. However, I don't know that for sure. They are kind of square pegs in round holes here. There is not much visually impaired or deaf residents can do for entertainment. Although, I know Social Services tried to get the visually impaired resident interested in Talking Books, without much success.,

Most of these residents live set apart from society. Some of them have no idea what's going on in the outside world. If they do have outside relationships, they are dependent on the person who visits them. The relationship is in no way equal. The person who visits is always a benefactor to those residents. I know it doesn't feel good to always be given to, even if you do need what is given.

Since my troubles with the involuntary discharge letter last week, this week, without my foreknowledge, two nursing home representatives visited me here the other day. I was shocked and them visiting felt like a curveball out of left field. In fact, I thought the first woman visited was an aide from a sister facility. I reasoned that she was coming to help me straighten my room and closets yesterday. That's something I have asked for for several months. It's amazing how wishful thinking pushes itself into all phases of my life.

I ended up telling the woman I was not interested in moving about 40 miles southeast where I know no one. I felt aggrieved because she dropped in right as my breakfast was ending. I felt that was invasive. I believe I told her that, and I certainly hope she listened. I just don't think it's good business to make cold sales calls to already housed nursing home residents.

The second facility rep came from a facility 20 miles northeast. I was sitting waiting to go to the bathroom outside my room. When she approached with the Social Services nurse, I explained I needed aide assistance to the bathroom. The woman acknowledged it, but kept on talking. To me, I felt it was inappropriate to disturb me. But she forged on anyway, although I thought I sensed some discomfort on her part.

I did talk to the woman. I told her I was looking for a private room and wondered if her facility what put me in one. When she said no, I asked if there might be a quiet room where I could put my desktop PC and be able to sit and write uninterrupted by a roommate. She told me she was sorry but they did not have anything like that. I told her that's what I was looking for. I explained I'm a writer, am trying to write a book. I told her it's very difficult to write and think in a semi private room with a roommate. She acted like she sort of understood. But, I wonder if she would be able to understand.

I don't have any animosity against those two representatives.. I just don't know why this was done. Maybe it's standard operating procedure. But if it is, I think it needs to stop. I wonder how management would feel if I called other facilities and their representatives visited me here about moving. I've only ever done that one time, at a previous nursing home. I'm sure they never thought I would move. Most people know I'm not a wanderer – not long after the meet me.

I told them if I moved anywhere it would be to southeastern Ohio. After all, that's where my parents are buried, and where my final resting place is.

A frustrating hour last night

Last night, just as my nurse was giving me my bedtime meds, my laptop went into a manufacturer restart countdown. So, I waited to see what would happen. It restarted. But, when it came back on, my headset was dead. It was not being recognized.

I went into the sound features and tried and found nothing about my headset. I restarted and it did not improve. I tried checking the sound settings again and still could not find my headset. Then, I switched to the internal microphone and speakers. I restarted again just to see if that would improve things. It didn't.

While I was working on it, my call light was on. My aide knocked and I asked her to get my backup headset (still in shipping packaging). She said she was not allowed to open packages and that activities was supposed to. Without asking whether I needed anything else, she left.

I put the call light on and started working to try to get sound in my headset. I thought about checking the USB ports. But, I did not want to shut them down because then maybe nothing would work, and I could not even restart my laptop.

A few minutes later Gary, my nurse came in. I asked if he'd get my headset and plug it in to see if it'd work. He said sure. When I told him where the headset was, I looked up and the package was no longer on top of my clothes closet. I told him it was missing. I also said that my aide would not open the package. He said he'd better go see why the aides wouldn't open it. He said it would probably be fixed in the morning. He left quickly like the fiends of hell were chasing him.

I was very disappointed by their lack of compassion. But, other things were going on,  like snacktime. It's a time when the aides are really busy. They probably had no time to help me. But their shortness came off as cold and uncaring. I guess I should have apologized for bothering them.

In the meantime, I used the "on-screen keyboard" and touchpad to type an email to my sister. It was short and sweet. I told her that my backup headset might be missing.

I was feeling very frustrated because there was not much I could do. Thank goodness I did not have a lot of time to fill. I thought about listening to YouTube but the sound was very tinny coming through the internal speakers. Since the speakers worked, I knew the soundcard was all right.

I realized how vulnerable I am when I cannot use that headset to dictate. I'm sure most drivers who have comfy cars with computers and warming seats, are the same. But they probably do not mentally bash themselves about it like I did last night.

It's just really hard to take that at 8:30 p.m. in a nursing home, if I have a technological problem, there is really no one here who has time to help me.

Uncomfortable situation

I know that some of the aides here enjoy upheaval and controversy. The like the excitement when residents act out, or act up. I think that's one reason some of them have this type of job.

Today was a case in point: There were men working on repairing the back dining room doors, where I usually eat lunch.

"J", my aide told me I would have to sit at a table elsewhere. She said there were two in the front lobby. She also said there was a curved table in the back dining room where a female resident named "S" was sitting. When she asked if I wanted to sit with "S", I said I would.

For some reason, my aide got me late and when I arrived at the dining room, it was pretty full. I didn't even know if I could get to that table without making people get up from where they were sitting to allow me to get through. But I I made it.

I noticed I did not get to sit right beside S, as promised. I should have asked why. But I didn't.

A few minutes later a male resident, I'll call "D" came in and sat down beside me. Right away, quietly, I asked my aide if I could move. I'm never that close to D who's always unkempt with his long hair hanging. Many times, when I passed him on the hallway I smelled body odor.

My power chair was off so I could not easily back up and discreetly explain to "J" why I did not want to sit beside D. Although, I know she knew. The aides frequently talk about how disheveled "D" is.

So, I tried to tell "J" quietly that I was afraid his appearance and odor might not allow me to eat lunch. I said I'd return to my room, if I could not move. Then, "J" said I could move. In retrospect, I wish I had left, or asked to speak to my nurse about the situation. It would have been better done in the front lobby. But thinking that "J" was supposed to stay in the dining room, I asked to move to the right corner of the table.

"J" acted like I was totally rude and uncaring. You'd have thought I'd said loudly that "D" smelled like a skunk, which I didn't. When I moved to that spot, a male resident behind me about had a hissy fit. He said I did not get out of his way fast enough. I told him to give me a minute and I moved away from him a bit.

Then, "J" kept telling me she could not believe that I would say such a thing and make "D" feel badly. "J" even patted "D" on the shoulder and said, it was okay. I don't even know if he heard what I said.

As I ate my meal pretty much in silence. I realized I had been maneuvered. I think they set this little scenario up knowing ahead of time that I would not want to sit where I was uncomfortable. It's unfortunate that they would not allow me to be more discreet about moving away.

Package opening – not a service here

I've lived in nursing homes for over 21 years. For most of them I have received packages that the nursing home staff had to open. Sometimes activities did it. But if they did not get around do it, the floor aides did it.

Ever since 1999, when I started placing orders online, aides got used to me getting packages. Even though I like to make my purchases in stores. Ordering through the Internet is so easy and fast.

I don't think my sister likes the idea. I think she feels she should bring me the things I need, or send them to me. But since she moved to Florida, that's not really practical.

The problem is I don't always have somebody to put my things away. I also no longer think the black filing cabinet, where I lock things in my room, is safe from being jimmied. I have a feeling that many know how to get into it without a key. That's because a few staff how said they know how to get in it without a key.

This afternoon activities delivered the mineral makeup I ordered the other day when mine was MIA. I never did find out where it went. But I was pretty sure that it was here last Christmas and was locked up where I thought it would be secure. Somehow it wasn't where it was put.

It was laying on my table, still wrapped. I prefer not to unwrap it until it's being put away. I asked my aides if they would help me. They both said they are no longer allowed to open packages for residents. It has to be done by activities.

I asked when this happened and they said months ago. I told them I wished we residents were told when these new rules come down from management.

Then, a bit later another aide came in with my fiber – which I order and give to the nurses to dispense to me. I was going to ask her to open the box, but I didn't..

So, I asked her to give the package to the nurses and let them open it. I told her if everything was intact and not damaged it was okay. I just wanted to make sure in case it had to be returned.

But this aide did not give me a hard time. She took the package to the nurses and later brought back copies of paperwork which were in the box. I told her she could throw them away because I do not need them.

It seems to me that this facility gets more bureaucratic every day.

Funny summer food

I know I do a lot of food blogs. But food is necessary, and if it's done right, it can be tasty and enjoyable. But alas, today's food was not.

Today's menu was: Salsbury steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, vegetable blend, a dinner roll, and lemon Jell-O with fruit.

Normally I would have just eaten it. But the last few times we have had Salsberry steak it tasted very processed. The gravy on it is highly seasoned with sodium, MSG, and some other gravy  seasoning. Whatever the seasoning is, it gives the meat and the gravy a metallic taste. In fact, the MSG doesn't make the flavor better.

The weather has been hot and humid for days. When it rains, it cools off and I might have more of an appetite. But on the hot days I would just like to have a salad or something light. Salsberry steak did not sound like a good fit on this July Sunday.

So I asked what the backup menu was. I was told it was barbecued chicken and Mexican rice. That didn't sound great either. But it sounded better, so I ordered it.

Then, I remembered that the barbecued chicken from the other day, was not wonderful. We have some new dietary staff, and I'm sure they are still learning. So, the barbecued chicken they made the other day was dried out and slightly burned on the top. They gave us a hind quarter, a leg and a thigh I wonder if there there was even three ounces of meat on it. Nevertheless, the other day I ate what I could, since there wasn't anything else.

I really do like chicken. But I like it cooked right – and that doesn't always happen here. So I wondered what today would bring.

When I received my tray, the chicken didn't look half bad. But when my aide cut into it, the smell gave it away. For some reason, it smelled old to me. The drumstick meat had a lot of blood vessels and the meat was darker. I also noticed a taste of blood. The only blood I've ever tasted was my own, but the taste resembled it.

It was quite a struggle with my stomach to get the chicken down. The Mexican rice was okay, but it had been watered before it was reheated. If they'd added tomato sauce, tomato juice, or a few canned, puréed tomatoes which would have perked it right back up. Nevertheless I ate it.

The one thing I hated about the chicken was that the aide who cut it up did not get the small bones and gristle out of the meat. So, a few bones ended up in my mouth and I had to spit them out into napkins or tissues. I felt terrible about other residents seeing me getting rid of bones from my mouth.

At least I know the chicken will digest easier than the mystery  Salsbury steak.

Sometimes I think that going vegetarian would not be that difficult. I would just need to find some good recipes.

Nursing home meat in 2017 is definitely not the same as I remember.

A resident takes off

Last evening sometime after the resident suppertime, there was a lot of commotion and I heard a screaming sound in the hallway. I knew something was going on with one of the residents. But, since I'm in my room, I do not know what's happening. I also do not put my call light on to bother the aides and ask.

I kept busy doing what I was doing. I knew the overall environment here would be different, because four new male residents have arrived in the last couple of weeks.

In fact, we only got the fourth one yesterday.

Luckily, most of these residents are pretty much able to care for themselves. Yet, I always feel sorry for any new resident . I know that coming to a new place is difficult. You know nobody and you don't know how things are run here.

When you first come, there is no way to know if this is a good place or a bad place. It takes time for residents to figure that out.

I heard that a resident got out. And it was not the newest resident. It's the one who arrived third. Somehow he got out and took off with a nurse and an aide chasing him. By the time they caught up to him, he had managed to borrow a cell phone and called the police. He told them he was suffering from heat exhaustion.

I'm not sure whether the police just showed up based on the fleeing resident's call, or if nurse or aide called them. But the police picked them up and brought them back here.

I found all this out when my nurse brought me meds around 6:30 p.m. She said they were running like crazy to catch up with the male resident who ran from them.

The runaway resident was sent to the local hospital's ER for a psych evaluation. But, I don't know that he got one, since he returned so quickly.

This morning he was being watched by a housekeeper for a short period of time. I think they wanted to make sure that he didn't take off during resident breakfast.

So far, I think he's still here. There has been no different or strange noise  during tonight's resident supper.

Auditing my accounts

Last October I had to set up a Qualified Income Trust (QIT) because I'm on Medicaid, live in a nursing home, and have an income over a certain amount. In order to maintain eligibility certain funds have to pass through the QIT to pay healthcare and other bills. Ohio's 2016 expansion of Medicaid through the Affordable Care Act required this. With the new guidelines Medicaid is less restrictive to those with higher incomes. We also are no longer required to spend down in order to be income eligible for Medicaid.

Last fall, I wondered how much the QIT would change my bookkeeping system. I have been doing some freelance writing since 2009 and I have had to make special arrangements for setting aside, and paying, my self-employment taxes. I also keep track of spending and have those records available for Ohio's Job and Family services, if necessary.

Setting up the QIT was similar to my former bookkeeping system. But, the differences can be confusing. At first, I was very careful, and the money seemed to remain in the QIT, as it was supposed to. But then when I started moving larger amounts of money at different times of the month, I noticed it was difficult to keep up with when money was credited or debited from the QIT..

Then, I decided group similar funds together to cut down on transactions. My bank does not charge me a transaction fee for transfers between my QIT and regular checking accounts. In order not to have too many transactions, and to simplify (I thought), I lumped similar funds together. But, it is more difficult to track the funds that way.

It seemed to me that the account was short on funds. Yet, it appeared all deposits went in. Then I thought credits weren't going in until a later date. So, I started paying bills each month after the 20th, which allows deposits time to be posted.

I also have been auditing the QIT and my personal checking account over the last few months. I want to ensure there are no errors. But, I don't want to be required to put excess funds in the QIT, to assure there are adequate funds in it. I want to just use it has a pass-through four funds due to be paid.

Today, I discovered that I'm going to break my payables into increments that match the bills I pay. That will make it easier to track them.

I only have a couple more hours of auditing to do before I'll know if there are any errors. But it will take more time than I thought.

I realize now that shortcuts do not always make things shorter – in the end.

Wanting to change salt-and-pepper hair – a bit

I have been letting my natural hair grow out for over a year. Since I don't see myself in the mirror much, it's not difficult to let it grow out. I never get that first thing in the morning look and I am not downhearted. So I have not watched the progression – others have.

At first I thought my front roots were really white or light gray. But now that I've been watching them grow out for a while, I realize that my lightest hair is in the front on the top. Everyone is a bit surprised that my hair in the back is mostly dark – not white or gray. I kind of of wish the back had more white or gray highlights.

I like the sort of highlighted look I get in the front with the lighter gray. The fact that my natural hair coloring now is not symmetrical all over bothers me. Trust me I know I never see the back and maybe it shouldn't matter. But it does.

I went looking a couple of weeks ago on YouTube to see if I could find a way to spruce up salt-and-pepper hair. I thought maybe I could go to the salon and have some highlights put in my dark hair. I know it might be difficult to bleach my hair out to white. We don't want my light hair blonde, at least I don't think so. It wouldn't mix very well with the already gray, and white hair. I was surprised that I couldn't really find any videos about highlighting salt-and-pepper hair. They showed highlighting here with blonde highlights to make the great hair less noticeable. The only ones that were white highlights looked kind of Halloween-ish and a bit Gothic.

Then I thought about purple or blue. I know that sounds rather rash. And the blue will not last long. But, it would a way to color the bleached hair. Oh well, maybe that's not a good idea.

But I certainly think I could have the back of my hair, and other areas, highlighted with white, white highlights. I know it would be a lot of bleaching, and that the ends which are still growing out from blonde would be bleached again. But that hair has not been colored in over a year. So, I think it should be in pretty good shape.

I would like to have a little extra, dramatic color,  in my hair. I also think I would feel better if I had white highlights on the sides, back, and maybe elsewhere, since I like the natural silver and white in my new growth hair.

Sometimes I wonder why I resisted my natural hair color for so long. But, I guess I know. I like to spruce things up and be a bit edgy at times.

It looks like I'm not going to go easily into the aged part of my life.

Mineral makeup missing

It never fails, I end up not being able to find something when I need to use it. Tuesday I needed my mineral makeup. My sister had bought me new makeup around Christmas last year. I got the all over mineral powder, blush, a large makeup brush, and a smaller one. My friend Beth put them in my makeup bag last Friday when we cleaned out my filing cabinet. I was glad she helped me clean it out, get rid of things, and put them in better order.

But, when my aide went looking for the all over mineral powder, it was not in the bag. Instead, my new smaller blusher, and the old blush were both in the makeup case. I was upset.

It's not the first time my makeup has disappeared. One time, at a previous nursing home, I spent $8 for Cover Girl makeup to apply with a sponge. The new package was put in an unlocked drawer. When my aide went to get it and put it on, it was gone – completely. I just could not believe anyone would take my makeup, new or used.

My makeup as also disappeared from my filing cabinet here before. One day I was going out and my aide discovered my entire makeup case was gone. Another aide said she would go take a look around to see if she could find it. I had no idea what she was talking about. I went ahead and used baby powder on a washcloth for face powder and use lipstick on my cheeks for blush. I thought I looked okay. Then, the aide who went to look for my makeup – came back with it. No one ever told me where or how that aide found it. That episode was always suspect in my eyes. I thought someone had unlocked my cabinet, put my makeup somewhere, and waited for my reaction. I know it's mean to say that, but I think that's what happened.

However, this time I did not think I could blame staff. My own friend had assisted me. Then, I realized that I may not have picked out a larger compact of mineral makeup. The store was out of the shade I usually buy, and maybe I decided not to buy something different. Perhaps I decided to wait until my next shopping trip, or order it online.

So, I made do with using tinted moisturizer and blush instead of the all over translucent powder. But I was certainly chagrined. I just like my stuff left alone. I don't like it when I feel that someone else has looked all through my things to see what I have. I don't even care that much that it was taken. I just wish if someone took it, they would've taken it later after I'd used it.

There's just no way to have security. Everything gets taken or misplaced or mixed up in nursing homes. It just happens and it's the way that life is.

You would think I would be used to it after over 21 years.

Discharge notice rescinded

Even though Roberta/nurse manager almost told me last Thursday that nothing would come of the 30 day Notice of Involuntary Discharge, I had great difficulty believing her. The only scenario that would not involve a lot of complications would have been if the administrator decided to tear up the discharge letter. I knew about this from my previous actions with facilities over discharge letters. The first time I received one the area ombudsman asked the administrator, within a few days, to rescind it, and she refused.

This time I thought I was in for the fight of my life. I had received another discharge notice in 2013 and was told the same thing back then, that it wouldn't go anywhere. But it went a lot farther. I had to request a hearing, and the hearing was held. The administrative law judge found in my favor. The facility had not drawn up the letter correctly. I always wondered if that was an actual error or if it was an intentional error.

Nevertheless, when the facility threatens involuntary discharge, or actually has given me a letter, they definitely got my attention.

My family and I have been through a week of angst. We were trying to figure out how we would handle me moving. I no longer have my sister living  within 50 miles of me. It would definitely have been much more difficult this time.

I don't think the nursing home has the right to frighten me into better behavior, by serving me with an involuntary discharge notice. To me, a discharge letter is not something that should be used to discipline a resident.

A lot of emails have passed between the ombudsman, me, my family, and friends.

I'm tired of the whole process and feel kind of all in.

Involuntary discharge is another way for a resident to feel powerless.

Discharge letter innuendo

I don't think any resident feels good if he or she receives a 30 day Notice of Involuntary Discharge. I don't think anything prepared me for how I'd feel. I'm sure I felt like a wife whose husband had asked for a divorce.

I was very concerned. But I had to carry on anyway. I have things to do, like my writing which I wanted to keep doing. That is important to me. So, I had to pretend everything was okay. Even though I mentioned the discharge letter to some of the aides aides in the beginning, I stopped talking about it like that in.

But it's very hard to live here and not tell the nurses and aides who care for me what is going on. Leaving, no matter the circumstances, is very difficult. It's even difficult for the residents who want to leave.

So I tried to settle back into my center and stay there as long as possible. I guess that's my only guard against the storm swirling around me.

Then, Roberta/nurse manager came in last Thursday evening and told me not to worry too much about the discharge letter. I wondered what she was talking about. She told me nothing would come of it. She reminded me she told me the same thing in 2013 when I got the last discharge letter from here. Except back then, I had to Request a Hearing, prepare for it and attend it. Even though I thought my side was right, that did not mean anything. I still could have lost. If I had, I would've had to move – no matter what.

So I'm prepared for the process to continue. I do object to the fact that certain staff have asked me if I've made any preparations to move. I think I told them no and should not have. But they really have no business asking me anyway.

Today I was at the nurses station getting my meds after lunch. Roberta/nurse manager was there and she asked me if I wanted to move and I said I did not. She told me the discharge letter had not been sent to the Department of Health. I told her when I got the discharge letter a process started. I said I didn't ask the administrator to rescind the letter. I felt that was the responsibility of the ombudsman.I also said that if that is what the administrator intends to do, rescind the letter, then there is a process for that too.

I was partway down the hall when Roberta/nurse manager and Mrs. D/administrator came up to me. Mrs. D said they are going to rescind the letter. But they want me to continue to look for another place to live because some residents are afraid of me because of the power chair circles last week.

I said nothing and moved away. I emailed the ombudsman about what occurred. She called the facility and found that they're rescinding the letter. She wants to know if I want her to send it (the rescind letter) to the Department of Health. I know I would really like to know if it exists – by actually seeing it digitally in my email box.Then, she can send it to the Department of Health.

It's not been a week since the 30 day discharge letter was placed on the table in front of my desktop PC. Although, the last five days have certainly seemed much longer.

30 day Notice of Involuntary Discharge

Tuesday I had an upsetting day and ended up making circles in the empty front lobby out of frustration. It was too hot, I was in pain, and the nurse practitioner would not prescribe additional pain relievers. The back dining room was too hot and I left to go somewhere that was cooler.

While turning circles in the front lobby I accidentally hit the old phone booth on the wall and there was a creak. I thought I hit my backpack. But, I hit the power chair controller and it ended up on the floor, even though it was still functional. The bracket was broken.

I was sent to the ER for a psych eval. But the ER doctor decided I did not need one. I returned to the facility several hours later.

The next day I was not allowed to use my power chair. I guess they were afraid I would try to use it as a weapon. I don't think I was doing that but they have a different perspective.

Wednesday afternoon, at around 3 PM, the administrator and nurse manager came in and explained that, due to my actions, they were giving me a 30 Day Notice of Involuntary Discharge Letter. I tried just briefly to protest but everyone walked out of my room and just left me. I wondered how they could do that.

They said they had secured a bed for me at a nursing home about 60 miles southeast of here, closer to where I used to live. Four years ago I went to see that nursing home but decided against going there. The facility did not have the right feel, and the semi-private rooms were too small. There was also no outside secured space where I could go and be safe without having a nurses aide with me. I was looking for that specifically because it is not available there.

So I applied to the Department of Health for a Hearing on the Involuntary Discharge. It is necessary to do that within ten days of receiving the letter. I emailed a letter to my sister, who will mail it certified mail, return receipt requested, soon.

I just can't believe that I may have to move. This facility gave me another Involuntary Discharge Letter in the summer of 2013. I had a hearing then and the decision was in my favor. So, I did not have to leave. But the administrator had made an error in the letter back then. That factor assisted me to prevail at the hearing.

This time the administrator has written: I'm being discharged because I'm a danger to others.

Today I had to tell a friend about it. I think she thought I was kidding, but I wasn't. It's very hard to explain that my frustration blew up to something big enough for them to want me out of here.

***

There will be other entries about this Involuntary Discharge Letter interspersed here.

My mother's "godmother for me" pick

Growing up Catholic at different times I was taught in Catholic school about godparents and their responsibilities. They are really supposed to be the guardian of the children they sponsor until they are 18 years old. So, most good Catholics try to pick godparents who are mature, settled, and financially able to take care of their godchild if something happened to the godchild's parents. Picking someone in the right age bracket – to serve as a godparent for a long tenure is also something to think about.

My mother was fairly new to being Catholic. Although she had been with my father for several years and was around his large Irish/German Catholic family. I'm sure she got a lot of "basic Catholic training" through osmosis. Even so, she probably had her own ideas. She probably also listened to the Catholic horror stories that were told within my father's family. I'm sure there were children with fine Catholic godparents who were left with no one to care for them after their parent's demise.

I'm also sure there is probably a serendipity factor in the whole thing. My mom and dad were living in their new to them house and pregnant with me. Our next-door neighbors were in their mid-50s and had an adult son who was married. That son and his wife were pretty young – in their early 20s. For some reason, mom picked them to be my godparents. My godmother was 21 and my godfather was a few years older.

Unfortunately, my godfather was killed in an auto accident when I was six years old. My godmother, a mother of one and a registered nurse, became a widow. But through it all she remained my godmother.

I have had an eventful life and so has she. She ended up remarrying and having  a son. Her daughter my best friend, has three children of her own and several grandchildren.

My godmother is now 89 and will turn 90 in October, God willing.

As I looked at her picture taken last week at her youngest granddaughter's wedding, I marveled at my mother's good choice. My godmother is still around and enjoying life at almost 90. While, I, her granddaughter have lived in nursing homes since I was 47 – and am now 68.

I wonder how many Catholic women, at age 68, like me have a godmother who is still living.

I will be 69 in September, a couple of weeks before my godmother's birthday in October.

My mom made a good choice.

The controller is adjusted

As I wrote yesterday, the tech came and moved the partly damaged controller (which is still functional) to a different, more out-of-the-way position yesterday. Then, the charging port could not be accessed because the controller was at too steep an angle.

I thought how ridiculous the whole scenario was.. That tech should have known better. He should have checked to make sure that the charging port was free so the battery could be charged easily.

I could not believe that the staff here with think that technician would be nearby to return to fix his error the same day. I'm sure he brought screws to reattach the broken controller that the facility did not have to do it themselves. Still, it is difficult to have a technician always available when the vendor (provider of the durable medical equipment) like power chairs, is three hours away. The best they can probably do is plan for him to be in the area maybe every two weeks. The worst-case scenario might be every month. But, a power chair can break at any time.

Nursing home residents who have regular manual wheelchairs occasionally have problems. Medicaid is supposed to have a system where it repairs durable medical equipment if the right paperwork is sent at the right time.

But I do think the nursing home bears some responsibility to assure that resident manual and power chairs are maintained and kept in good working order. However, I do wonder how they plan for that repair.

Yesterday afternoon I was able to contact the vendor representative and she said the nursing home therapy department needed to adjust the controller's position. She knew they were able to do that. I, myself, wondered if anyone would do it because the next day was Friday – getaway day.

I was shocked when I came back from the shower this morning and was told that my power chair was charging. Nobody told me how they managed that. But, I knew that one of the therapists must've come in at 7 AM.

She told me after breakfast that she was able to adjust the controller's position enough to allow the charger cable to be plugged in.

I was surprised that an error in the tech's judgment yesterday was repaired so quickly.

The tech and the broken controller

This afternoon the vendor's tech came to take a look at the controller that has a broken bracket.

I was surprised when he told me that the entire controller needed to be replaced. He said they just don't change out the housing for a new one. I said I guess they wouldn't do that if they know they can get Medicaid to my new controller.

Then I asked if he thought they could get me a different controller. I said I'd rather have one with fewer "bells and whistles". This broken controller can be linked to a cell phone through its Bluetooth. That's not something that I'm going to use. So I asked if they could get a less expensive controller and use it as a replacement. He said he would check it out.

I asked if he could turn the controller with the broken covering a bit so would be less likely to be bumped. He repositioned it and took a photo with his cell phone to show me it's a new location. To me it looked like it was in a good position .

He said he will contact Medicaid in order to get the new controller approved for purchase.

Then he left. Unfortunately, later when my aide tried to plug the battery charger cable into the power chair, there was not enough space to allow the charger cable to go in. The controller it is at too much of an angle beside the bracket and it needs to be moved just a bit. I wondered if we could get the controller moved a bit before the weekend.

I called the vendor representative and told her what had happened. She asked me if I would find out if therapy could loosen a couple of screws and move the controller to a better position – more accessible for the charging cable. I told her I could not answer that and would send an email to my therapist and the nurse manager to ask. I sent the email and the nurse manager responded that she thought that therapist might be able to adjust its position.

She said the techs were going to Cincinnati next week. But she said I could call her tomorrow when I find out if therapy can relocate it on the bracket.

I just hope my power chair battery not run out of a charge before we get the controller box repositioned the bracket. Without it being repositioned, my battery can't charge and will go dead. Then, I'll be back in my manual chair until it is moved.

What about the psych eval?

Yesterday was a kerfuffle from the beginning to the end.

It was supposed to be a hot day and in this nursing home that makes for an uncomfortable environment that is summer toasty, humid, and rife for outbursts and conflagration.

But it wasn't until lunch that I had a problem. As soon as I went out the door at 12 noon I knew I was going to be way too hot. I just felt like a big humid cloud grabbed me, and started to hug with vengeance, and would not stop. I wish I would've said something then.

I headed to the dining room. It was warm because the residents were in and out all morning on the patio. It was muggy and hot even with the box fan blowing.

Then, the nurse practitioner came to see me. I thought it would be helpful and it wasn't. She was being very difficult and unflinching about allowing me one (regular strength) Tylenol or ibuprofen a day for the pain my splints are causing. She was pretty much in my face. I asked who I could appeal to and she gave me no alternative. I even wanted to see another doctor and she refused to refer me. I just didn't know what she was thinking. I certainly did not threaten her I would not think..

I went back to the dining room where my tray had just delivered. I was feeling so hot and I had no appetite. The nurse manager asked me what was up and I told her I keep hitting brick walls everywhere I turn about most of the things I want here. I told her I just can't do it anymore. I asked if I could go to an office to get cooler and got no response.

So, when, I couldn't turn left easily, I started making circles in the open, empty front lobby. Everyone was at lunch. I thought I would turn regular circles. But I was aggravated so I might have spasmed in my hand or something. All of a sudden, the right side of my chair bumped the old payphone on the wall. I heard a creak.. A few minutes later an aide told me my controller was on the floor. The bump apparently broke the bracket it was in.

I was told I was being sent to the ER for a psych eval. When I got there I told my story and explained about my very sore right leg. I asked the doctor if I could get an x-ray and he had it x-rayed. Thankfully, nothing is broken. Maybe he saw his grandmother's eyes in my face. But I saw a kindness about him.

No other medical tests were done. The doctor came in around 4 PM and talked. I asked if I would get a psych eval and he told me I did not need one. He said he knows what goes on at my nursing home.

Then, I was sent back to the facility right in the middle of the supper hour. All my items were locked in an office along with my keys. No one could get into my locked cabinet. I was relegated to a PB&J sandwich and a 4 ounce container of applesauce after not eating or drinking anything since breakfast.

I sort of conned my aides and the nurse to let me use my desktop so I could report the broken part on my power chair to the vendor and manufacturer. They let me but only gave me confined space because I'm in a semi private room. My poor neck was killing me and I could not wear my glasses. I was looking at the screen at so much of an angle – that the lower part of the frame obliterated the touchpad pointer.

I got that email out and an evaluation for repair is coming tomorrow.

It's too bad nursing homes cannot communicate better. It would certainly save them many of the useless times residents are sent to the ER for a timeout.

I want the backup – or not

At this nursing home they're supposed to have a backup, or substitute, for each meal. It is usually a backup just for the main dish or entrée. We residents are told that we have to inform the kitchen before 11 AM that we want something besides what's on the menu. In other words, dietary wants to know early that we want a different entrée.

Today instead of a sloppy Joe I thought I would see what dietary could come up with. In the past sometimes they put hot turkey on a bun instead. For me, who does not especially like sloppy Joe's, that's much better.

I had a newer aide today. I told her right after she set me up at my desktop PC to ask what the lunch backup was. When she told me it was fish, I asked if they would put it on a bun. When she did not come back, I assumed she was able to get them to put my fish on a bun. But, I wondered why she didn't come back.

Then, the nursing home ombudsman came to visit. It was a follow-up about something that came up over a month ago. She just was checking status. She walked in maybe thirty minutes after I made the request for the backup for lunch. By the time she got here it was after 11 AM and I never questioned or thought about my lunch order. But, I know how the rules are and did not expect them to change anything for me.

A different aide took me away from my desktop so I could go to lunch. She asked me if I wanted anything different for lunch and I told her I had already told my own aide earlier. She asked again what I wanted and I said I was going to have the backup "fish" on the bun. She looked at me with an ominous expression. I thought to myself, oh no – someone forgot to tell dietary that I wanted the substitute.

I wasn't really that upset. I eat sloppy Joe's, which I do not care for, all the time. They are food. But, they are not something I prefer to eat.

When they brought my tray there was a sloppy Joe on it. I asked my aide what happened and she told me she forgot. Then, she said she thought she could tell them I wanted a substitute when the window opened for lunch. I asked her to ask dietary if there was fish left. She came back and said there wasn't.

I did say I wanted some clarification about what happened. I wanted to make sure that dietary did not ignore, or forget if my aide had told them about the substitute early enough. In other words, when they are told about a substitute request, they should make a note.

I was eating my lunch and the nurse manager and my nurse came in. The nurse manager asked me what I wanted as a substitute. I told her I had eaten almost half of the sloppy Joe and I was okay with it. My nurse said they could give me bologna. I told her I would just finish the sloppy Joe.. I did say that in the future I will call dietary when I want a substitute for lunch.

My aide said that the nurse manager singled her out for forgetting the rule about reporting a substitute to dietary before 11 AM. She told my aide, "When you forget, you make me look bad".

My aide did remind me that that she's an aide at another nursing home, which has different meals substitute rules. But, in the end she took the blame. I told her it would be great if the 11 AM rule did not exist, but it does.

I told my aide I know at least one other resident does not like sloppy Joe's, and he doesn't let anything rest. So, I was pretty sure he got the substitute.

Night splint pain is waking me

I started wearing ankle/foot night splints at the end of June. Therapy wanted me to get used to them by wearing them in the daytime. While I realized I needed to get accustomed to them, I wanted to do it wearing them at night when I was lying down. It took several days before therapy said I could try the splints out at night.

The first night the splints woke me at 1 AM because my legs were aching. Since I had not previously warn them for over two hours, I had the night shift aides take them off. It was such a relief.

The next night I thought I might be able to go an hour longer. Surprisingly, I was able to keep them on until I woke at around 4:30 A.M. And the fact that I did surprised me.

The next night I was able to keep the splints on the same amount of time as the night before. If the therapist or the PT assistant was here, I informed them of my progress.

Then, the Fourth of July weekend intervened. There were no therapists here for me to tell about my night splint progress. But each night I was surprised I was able to keep the splints on until early morning.

Then my sister visited on Thursday. It was a rainy day and we got stuck in it and had to go through some droplets going to and from a restaurant for lunch. I have not been out of the rain much lately. I don't get out very often and I try to limit it to nice days, if possible.

That night, my splints woke me at 1 AM. My right leg felt like someone was pulling it hard towards the other side of the room. Reluctantly, I asked the aides if they would remove them. I did not really want to do that but once my muscles are fatigued – there wasn't much else I could do.

The next night, Friday, the same thing happened. I woke at 1 AM with achy legs. This time I asked the aides to loosen the braces but leave them on. I was able to relax and wear them for another two hours.

Saturday night, I again woke at 1 AM. I had the aides loosen the splints but after a few minutes my right leg was throbbing so badly I could not handle it. I asked the aides to remove them.

I wonder why, after six days of wearing them for over six hours, I'm getting such bad aching and cramping in my legs. I feel like I am going in the wrong direction. It seems like my time should be extending, not getting shorter. I wonder if when I first started wearing them, they held everything in alignment and my legs and hips felt better. But now, I am beginning to get stretched consistently and it feels like my legs are rebelling.

I hope I can build up tolerance soon and be able to keep these braces on most of the night.

Another nursing home weekend

Nursing home weekends our different. After all week, it is weird to have NO managers on the premises on the weekends. The days are much quieter days because there are not as many phone calls or visitors. We also have no therapists, extra nurses, doctors, or x-ray people in the building.

Because the building is so quiet, most residents like to rest. In fact, many spend at least some of the weekend in bed. Of course, there isn't a whole a lot else to do here. The smokers go out seven times a day. Though a few residents go out and sit on the patio. It does not hold very many at one time. Some days, when it's too hot for residents to sit on the patio, they end up in bed sleeping or watching TV.

On weekends there is fewer staff. We have three aides on dayshift instead of the four that we have on weekdays. It's funny because that means the floor aides have to do more. Since there are no activity aides on weekends, the aides or a nurse has to do "morning coffee" and "2 PM snack" along with everything else..

Weekends causes me to do something to stay busy and involved. Otherwise, I start thinking about weekends when I was younger and what used to happen. When I was in school, I waited for the weekend to be able to watch TV, stay up late, or go, to a movie, to a football game, or to a dance. But the one constant was that there would be homework and several hours had to be devoted to it.

I guess that's why I try to write on the weekend – if I can. However, on Saturdays I usually want to do something fun on the Internet. I usually search online for something, a product or service, that I am interested in. Since I read the New York Times on Sunday, I try very hard to stay away from that website on Saturday.

Today I was just filling time by looking on eBay for manicure products. Sometimes I just check out prices. It's interesting to see the different things which are for sale there. Today I was going back and forth between searching on eBay for a product, and searching YouTube for a review of that same product. I'm surprised how many on YouTube do reviews.

There is a lonesome side to weekends. I sort of wish I had someone special to spend them with. But I have no desire to use social media to look for anyone. I also, no longer chat online. When I was new to chat around the year 2000, I used a made up name. But now the Internet is too sophisticated, and I feel I must be more careful.

I guess my "growing up years" weekends always made me feel secure. When I was at home with my parents we were together and there was safeness in that.

I wish I could feel that safe now.

A high noon tornado watch

I have lived on this plain in north central Ohio for almost seven years. Today is the first time we've really had a tornado warning.

We residents were down in the dining room and some of the meals had already been served. All of a sudden, we were told there was a tornado warning and we had to go up on the hall where it was safer. There are glass windows in the dining rooms.

The sky was looking very menacing as we left. The clouds in the west varied from medium blue, to dark blue, to almost black. I could see from the trees that the wind was blowing and the rain was starting to fall pretty hard.

I think the staff were more upset than the residents. Only a couple of residents became alarmed when they had to leave the dining room so quickly.

We were all told to go to our rooms and I headed that way. But I was cut off and told just to pull over to the side of the hall and wait for the all clear. But they do not realize that in my 21 years in nursing homes I have seen many tornado warnings especially when I lived in southeastern Ohio. One night we spent three or four hours in the hallway stacked together like sardines in a can. The power was out from storms in the second wave, and the third wave of storms was approaching. It was frightfully hot and I felt like I was experiencing claustrophobia. Sometime after that I decided not to leave my private room to go sit in the hallway during a tornado warning. I'm so glad that facility management let me do that. I would just stay on my desktop PC – as long as there was power.

But, today, here I was waiting in the hallway with 40 plus other residents and the staff. We all stood looking at each other. It was kind of strange. A couple of the aides looked kind of fearful. They were probably concerned for family members. I also know one aide went off and left the windows open in her apartment. I knew she would have a mess to clean up later.

Fortunately we were probably only in the hallway ten minutes when the all clear was announced. We headed back to the dining room and I had to eat the food that had been sitting. It wasn't horribly cold but it wasn't warm either. I thought we might be offered a warm-up in the microwave, but we weren't.

After lunch, the town's tornado siren sounded on-and-off for the next two hours. I looked at the radar and there was a wide swath of storms heading west to east.

It's in the evening now and everything is quiet. I'm glad the storms are over for now.

Looking as a lark, I found the item I needed.

About three weeks ago the nursing home's fire safety consultant told me that I needed to have a compliant power strip for my desktop PC – it had to be 1363 A UL. That means it can be used in a hospital or nursing home room near a patient/resident bed. I asked him if he knew of any company manufactured a desktop PC line surge protector that was 1363 A. I was surprised that he didn't since he's in the fire prevention business.

That evening, or the next day, I searched online for a 1363 A compliant line surge protector. I could not find one. I'll admit I had no idea where to look. But I found a 6 outlet power strip, with a surge protector for almost $63 on Amazon.com. My line surge protector had 12. I also have a brand-new unused one that I bought four years ago that was never plugged in. I wanted to use it with my desktop.

I thought I would wait to see if the facility would buy me a compliant one. After all, it's a new rule that wasn't around when I came here, or when I updated my desktop's line surge protector. Nevertheless, I felt badly about it. I am very safety and fire conscious. So I wanted to be compliant.

I inquired to one particular company if they made a 1363 A compliant line surge protector and they said they did not. They sent me a link to the same power strip I found on Amazon. I sent the power strip's link to the facility's maintenance man so he would know what is available. I even got an email from the company saying they do not make a 1363 A compliant line surge protector for a desktop PC.

I went to a computer forum and asked about a 1363 A compliant line surge protector. Several days passed and then I got a question about whether I needed one, and why. I told the person who replied that I needed one for my nursing home room.. But the one that was available did not meet my needs. I received no reply to that.

Then, a few days ago I got an answer from another contributor on that forum who told me that my question was not one that should have been asked on a computer forum.

I wrote back and apologized for asking there, but I thought the answer might be helpful to some people in situations similar to mine. Even so, I felt the man was rather rude.

I ended up messaging the computer forum telling them I had gotten a negative comment and told them to feel free to take down my question.

I did not receive a return email.

This afternoon the maintenance man was in my room plugging in that unused line surge protector that I bought for years ago. We were talking about the compliance issue with 1363 A. Since I could not dictate with my Dragon software, I decided to search for a higher priced line surge protector.

Without even trying very hard, I found one. It's a 12 outlet Tripp Lite line surge protector that costs $69. Tripp Lite makes the six outlet power strip that Amazon sells for around $63.

I told the maintenance man I had inquired of Tripp Lite about a 1363 A compliant line surge retractor, and they said they only had the 6 outlet power surge protector.

So I want to email Tripp Lite to see if the $69  with 12 outlets is compliant.

I'm so amazed that I googled in a different way and found what I was looking for specifically – three weeks ago.

What to wear

Wondering what to wear always seems so lame. Why should I worry about what I wear? I'm a woman in a wheelchair and I have to wear certain clothing that is comfortable and that allows some ease of movement. But the problem is, just because I'm disabled, does not mean I do not care about looking good. So, I like to look as well turned out as I can, under the circumstances.

But alas, I cannot spend any time myself standing at the closet looking for something to wear. I have to almost memorize what's in there and then mentally mix-and-match clothing items. I guess I should just do the easy thing and have somebody make a video every week of my closet. Then I could go through it on my desktop or laptop and pick things out. Oh, that's really so stupid, I don't think I'd ever do that.

So, anyway I asked my dayshift aide if she would find what I wanted to wear in the closet. She said yes. But, she said we would have to do it later. Things with me always have to happen later after important things like getting to breakfast, getting set up at the computer, and getting to lunch. Unfortunately, we never got to picking out what I wanted to wear.

I remembered that detail halfway through the afternoon and it made me sad. Making choices is important. Even mental choices are better than no choices. So I have gone through what I can remember and have made up three different outfits in my head.

The weather will be in the low 80s, most likely. So I need something that is thin, comfortable and in a pleasing color. I would even like to wear something patriotic. I seldom do that. That's because I don't usually get to go anywhere on patriotic holidays. The shirt I wore on July 4 (yesterday) is the one I got for a trip to a family reunion in 2012. That means that shirt is five years old. One of the aides was looking to see if I wore on the morning of July 4, and was not disappointed. I guess you could say it's an "oldie but a goodie".

Maybe there's no room at the age of 68 to be concerned about how well you look. After all, I have let my hair get whatever color it happens to be. Yes, I've given up haircolor. I can't really say that I miss it much. I do miss being a blonde. But when my dark roots grew in, I was not a blonde for long.

I will never match my sister sleekness. Or the fact that she can wear designer, or Target. Or the fact that nothing that I wear could ever be considered, "the new black".

But, in my way, I have my own sense of style. Keeping up with it is important. I guess you could say it is a minimalist style. I have minimal jewelry, minimal outfit choices, and minimal shoe choices. I do however try to be edgy in my own way.

I'm an older lady hear me roar.

A "not so cheerful" Fourth of July

The residents were just not "up and at em" this morning. In fact, I wasn't even out of my room or on the way to breakfast, when a female resident made a break for the front door and actually got out. She didn't get very far away and ended up falling into a flower bed. She's all right. But I'm sure her pride was hurting when she came back into the building.

Then, at breakfast we had a younger male resident act up. He did not want to take his medicine from the nurse. All of a sudden, he pushed on the table and overturned his tray. Luckily, his aide was able to move fast enough so she did not end up wearing it.

There was a big sign in the dining room saying Happy Fourth Of July. We all looked at it and wanted to run the other way. If any of the residents were going out, most of them were gone before today. Although, one male resident who left right before lunch. I know he was told he was going but he was sitting in the dining room waiting for lunch. I have to say I have watched many residents pace waiting for family to pick them up for a holiday meal or get together. Pacing residents almost ruin their day for themselves by fretting. I think that male resident had a good idea when he decided to wait in the dining room.

It seemed like some of the residents did not want to come down to lunch. That's common any day, but is much more common on a holiday.

I think that the staff who works on holidays thinks we residents should be more grateful and happier because we have care and food. But most of the residents today looked kind of down in the mouth. We act like we're missing out on something really special. However, I don't know if any of us knows what that special thing is. The only thing we do know is that the special thing is not in this building.

The same male resident who acted up at breakfast did the same at lunch. So he was wheeled out and taken to his room the same as at breakfast. He is a long way from his southern home and never gets to see his mother. I'm sure he misses her, or he misses what he used to miss about her.

I keep myself very busy on holidays so it's hard for me to feel down. I don't expect my sister to call. She usually gets together with her husband's family and they have a family thing. Neither they nor I want to mess up the other's holiday by calling and possibly interrupting.

Another thing is recurring again this month. There will be a full moon on July 9. Last month the full moon's effects were felt early, on June 4, because many residents disrupted the normal flow compared to days not near a full moon.

Perhaps the approaching full moon had some of the residents in a tizzy today. But, I would bet it was just those holiday feelings again.

Trying to lose again – after a 12 pound weight gain

I have been on a weight loss plateau for several months, going back into last year. I lost three pounds a month for quite a while. Then, it dropped off to two or one pound. In the last few months I was lucky if I did not gain. Weight loss is not fun when my weight stays the same. I wondered if my body was in "starvation mode", and not burning calories, because I was not eating enough of them. I seldom go out to eat so there is no spike in my calorie content on a regular basis. My sister visits once every two months in winter and about once a month in the summer. I wouldn't think that one meal or two out a month should not cause me to gain.

In January I had an upsetting occurrence and I took Benadryl at night to help me sleep. I meant to take it short-term but took it for over two months. Then I showed a ten or twelve pound weight gain at the end of February. That was surprising. At first I thought the facility scales needed new batteries. I could not figure out how my weight went from 151 pounds to 162. I thought I would have to raise my calories every day for longer than a month to have it go up that much.

The only change besides the Benadryl, was that I was eating a portion of the facility supper three or four nights a week. I was tired of eating cereal bars and dried fruit. I ate some of the meal on certain nights but tried to watch the calories. I thought maybe taking in 200 or 300 extra calories a day, might cause my body to burn it more efficiently. I think there was a one pound weight gain in January. But seeing a ten pound weight gain caused me to cut back.

Then, I wondered if last July's decrease of my Zoloft dosage from 75 mg a day to 50 mg a day, may have contributed to the weight gain. When the dosage was lowered I thought taking less might cause me to lose weight. But that did not happen.. In fact, it was difficult to lose even one pound a month.

I went back to trying to cut 100 calories a day from what I am served. I knew if I stopped eating desserts like cake, pie, and cookies, I would get fewer calories. Facility desserts are about my only opportunity to eat extra calories.

I was not weighted at the end of March. By the end of April, I weighed 159 in the Hoyer. Although, the aides did not think that was accurate.

At the end of May my weight was 157. That is still five or six pounds more than I weighed at the end of January.

When I was weighed last week my weight was 156.6. I know it's only down four tenths of a pound. But, I am also down from 162 at the end of Everett also.

I need to research strategies to help me continue to lose. I would like to get to my goal weight of 140 pounds.

The fan worked, and then it didn't

So, my friend bought me a fan which the aides put together. First, the back blade housing, then, the fan blade, and then, the gizmo that tightens it, and last the front grill. They plugged the fan into the plug where the "broken one" had been and it would not run. They plugged it into a different outlet and it came on.

They returned it to its original spot and this time it ran. I was so pleased to have it because it had been so muggy in my room – all day. It was set on high for a while to cool the room with my air conditioner on 60°. The humid air was heavy making it feel very stuffy.

As the evening progressed, it rained and it got cooler and was less humid. By bedtime, I had to turn the fan and the AC down to low.

Perhaps since it was cooler, and since  the newer, though less expensive fan, was cooling more, I went to sleep and stayed that way all night.

When I woke in the morning, the fan was still doing its thing. Or, at least I thought so. But, I noticed my room was feeling stuffy.

I went about my daily routine. After breakfast, when I was being set up at my desktop PC, I noticed the new fan was not running.

I asked my aide to turn in on and off and unplug it to see if it would run. But, it would not run. She tried it in another plug and it came on slowly. Then, a housekeeper tried it in an outlet in the hallway and it ran. However, with my fan dying, I was leery. I thought it should be returned for another.

An aide texted my friend that I felt the fan should be exchanged for another.  But, she did not get back with me right away.

It was an equally warm day and quite humid again. After lunch I got so warm. It felt like a big cloud of hot air settled around my shoulders and head. There seem to be no cool air.

We moved the fan my friend brought to the other side of my room and plugged it in and it worked. It was blowing towards my laptop when I was set up in bed.

An hour so later my friend called me. I explained to her what happened with the fan. I told her I felt it should be exchanged for another. Then, she told me she no longer had the sales receipt – and she had paid cash. I told her if she called the store and explained that the receipt was lost, they could replace it. But she kept saying she thought someone from the nursing home staff should return it. I told her they might but it would complicate it, and that it could not be done until AFTER the weekend.

Then she suggested that I plug the new fan into a different outlet on the line surge protector than where the "broken fan" was plugged. She thought I might have a bad outlet in that line surge protector. I felt it was worth a try.

When my nurse came in, I told her what my friend said. She offered to move the fan and plug it into a different socket in the line surge protector. When she put the plug into a different outlet, the new fan worked.

It was such a relief that it was running and would do the job until the replacement fan arrives.

Fan dies on a muggy day

It was an end of June muggy day which seemed like only a hard rain would fix. It 82° outside but the air was thick with moisture which was making it uncomfortable.

Usually I have my window AC unit going and another fan on the other side of the room blowing a cross breeze. When I first moved here, I noticed how stuffy the room was. It seems like all the outdoor heat comes right into the room.

My black fan was on medium blowing towards my bed. When the nurse came in, she said she heard a funny noise. But, an ad popped up on my laptop and it was loud in my headset . When it ended, I heard the noise and wondered what the noise was.

After the nurse left, I realized the black fan was making the noise. I thought it was strange because it had been on all day and it's on all the time – unless it's really cold in here during the wintertime.

I listened and every few minutes the fan would squeal. The squeal got louder. Then the squeal became more frequent. I wondered if I should turn it off. But, I had no backup if I had to turn it off. Of course, it was after 5 PM and I could not just ask if a staff member could go pick one up for me. Then I remembered, I could order from Amazon and get it in two days.

I put the call light on a couple of times to have the aides check the fan. One of them unplugged it and took it down, to see if it was hot or if anything appeared to be loose. It did not make a sound when the aide checked it.

But, right after supper started the fan started squealing wildly. I kept looking at it out of the corner of my eye hoping it would not burst into flames. I hoped it had some type of safety device that would shut it off.

Then, the squealing stopped. I thought maybe what caused it had just gone away. But in the back of my mind, I sort of knew better than that.

I noticed the room getting really warm. When my aide came in, she said the fan was not running. I had her turn the AC unit down to try to cool the room. But it wasn't working very well.

Quickly I called the one person I really know in this town. I asked her if she could stop somewhere and buy me a fan for less than $20, and I would reimburse her. I told her I was going to order one to replace the no longer operating one – but needed an inexpensive fan in the interim. She said she would have to think about it because she wasn't home at the time.

Later she called to say that she was bringing a 12 inch oscillating fan. My old one was a 9 inch but it was pretty powerful. My friend brought the fan and the aides put it together. I didn't know that some low-end table fans have to be assembled.

They hooked it up and though it did not blow as strongly as the "no longer working" one, it was putting out enough air to keep the room comfortable.

I figured this $16 plus tax fan would get me through this hot day and tide me over until I could get a more powerful fan to replace the old one.