Night splints – the first night

Like I said, the aides seemed to be cooperative about that night splints last night. I wonder what changed.

My nurse was asking a lot of questions. She wanted to know whether I was measured for the night splints. I told her the brace lady just walked in with them Monday afternoon after I came back from an outing. But I said they looked basic enough and she said she had my measurements from two or three years ago – which would still be similar to now. In the back of my mind I was wondering if they just happened to have the splints somewhere and decided to give them to me. I need to check to see whether Medicare paid for them. But, I guess it doesn't much matter whether they did or not. I have them and I'm going to use them and hope they work.

The second shift aides put the splints on at bedtime. I couldn't really see what they were doing and I hoped they had them on correctly.

After they left, the night splints felt strange – like soft boots. My feet are never covered and I don't wear regular socks, just knee-high support stockings under my pants, so they felt strange.

I laid here hoping to drop off soundly to sleep. But I did not think that was going to happen. I wondered if the night splints would keep me up all night.

At some point, I must have fallen into some type of sleep state. I guess I was wondering when my legs would start aching. I noticed right away that my hips felt different and my knees. My right leg did not feel as heavy. I did not have my legs on a pillow like I usually do because the splints hold my legs up some.
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The next thing I remember was feeling a smarting pain in my right ankle. Immediately, I wondered if the right splint was rubbing my skin raw.

I put the call light on and when the aide came in I asked her if we could take them off since I had them on for three hours. She removed them from my legs.

After she left I thought it would fall right off to sleep. But, instead, my legs felt heavy and wooden again.

At some point after that, I fell into a sound sleep and didn't wake until almost 5 AM.

I made it through the first night with them. Maybe since I finally started, I will be able to tolerate them well.

No night splints last night either

I was waiting to see how night shift would go with the night splints. But my aides were doubtful about it. I ended up emailing the therapist to tell her I did not think I'd be wearing them.

While the aides' position softened when I was getting ready for bed, they did say they could put the splints on but they would have to take them off before they left. I told them I did not want to be disturbed while I was sleeping. They know I'm a light sleeper and have some sleepless nights. I told them had I known they were going to take them off at 11 PM, I would have tried to go to sleep sooner.

With that, I told them we were not going to put them on, at least not last night.

That made me a bit upset. I laid here for a while thinking about it. That wasn't really doing any good so I tried to just let it go.

I decided that if they gave me the option to wear them for two hours again, I would take it.

I wondered what the therapist would say the next morning.

This morning I was sitting in the dining room waiting for breakfast when the therapist walked in. She asked me how things went. I told her I did not wear the night splints because I did not want to be wakened at 11 PM. I told her I would be willing to be wakened after two hours tonight and I would be ready for it. I did tell her I would like to try to lie down to sleep earlier so I could try to get as much sleep as I could.

I said I would give her no argument. She said okay. I told her we would do the two hours if that's what she wanted and felt most comfortable with.

Then the therapist left. I've heard nothing more about it all day.

When my second shift aides came in this afternoon, one of them told me that if they put the splints on tonight they're supposed to leave them on for eight hours. (This was supposed to be the night that I would have worked up tolerance to maybe wear them for eight hours.) I told them they could do it however they wanted and I would cooperate.

I don't think they knew what to think.

I think nursing homes create too many bureaucratic rules about doing basic things. But, maybe that makes them feel better. It also may be something that's in the regulations.

No one thinks I will wear the splints. The night shift aides say I never will. One of them does not think they will work anyway and wonders why I am trying.

I guess it's really hard to make other people happy. That's why I try so hard to please me, I know I will always be here with me.

Will I get to wear my night splints tonight?

Therapy worked with me for over two months stretching my hips and knees end assisting me by using a gait belt when I stood to transfer. I asked if I might get ankle/leg night splints which would put my ankles in a better position when I slept in might keep them from turning more. The therapist said I would get them but she did not say when.

Therapy ended over a week ago and I had received no night splints. But the therapist said they would be coming.

I was surprised to see the brace lady come up to me on Monday. She showed me the boxy braces she selected for night splints.

She did not try them on because I had my inside the shoe plastic braces on when she came. I reminded her I would wear them on bare legs at night.

On Monday evening a therapist dropped in and explained how the night splints worked. I told him I wanted to wear them at night. He said he wanted me to wear them for a trial – for two hours. I told him I did not think that was necessary.. But since I've had to do this before, I told him to go ahead and put them on. I have not had night splints for a while but used to wear extra splints on the outside of my inside the shoe braces in the daytime. I wore those for several years, and for about three years after I came here. But I can no longer get that brand.

I got a lot of pushback about those outside braces that stretched my heel cords and keep my ankles straight. I always wondered why the aides gave me so much trouble about them.

Monday night I had a disagreement with the nurse. She said she would not let anybody put the braces on me until I built up my tolerance for them. I tried to explain to her that I could do that at night. I said the night splints could be be taken off me if/when they started to her. I wanted to just put my call light on if the braces were uncomfortable and needed to come off. I did not want them to wake me to remove them.

There was an all staff meeting yesterday and I thought my new night splints would be demonstrated. Of course, not all the aides were there.

But I did discuss it with the therapist earlier and she said she would work it out so I could wear them at night. But she also seemed really hesitant.

Tonight the second shift aides told me they will not put the night splints on because they are not familiar and do not know the schedule.

I called my nurse and she said the therapist had set them up to be put on by night shift and they arrive at 11 PM when I am asleep. I did not want to have to wake up to have them put on.

I know they like to divide up the aides' duties. But dayshift always does more than afternoon or night shift. It's really hard to get things even, it just is.

So, I don't know if they will be put the splints on tonight or not. They may consider the time I wear them as similar to physical therapy, since my ankles and lower legs will be stretched.

I will write another installment here when I find out how this turns out.

Abby's family sees improvement

A female resident I will call Abby has been fed in the back dining room for the last few months. That is, until this past weekend when she started eating on her own. Marie, an aide who had not worked for months, encouraged her to try on Saturday and Abby has been feeding herself ever since.

This morning when Abby's breakfast tray was delivered. She picked up the napkin rolled silverware, unwrapped it, and started to eat her French toast strips. I was afraid they might be too hot. But Abby was not concerned, she dug right in.

It's done us all so much good to watch her feed herself. She has been very silent and almost motionless, and had to be fed every bite for so long.

At lunch Abby's mother and sister were in the dining room sitting beside her. I'm sure they came to observe her feeding herself.

Abby's mother had a large soft drink from McDonald that she was sipping on. I told her that Abby was doing so well feeding herself that she could probably get Abby McDonald's and she could eat it on her own as well.

They watched as Abby dug into her puréed taco salad and then ate the peanut butter pie for dessert. Abby gets several drinks with meals because she has urinary tract problems and needs a lot of fluids. The one thing she is not doing is picking up a cup to take a drink. Her aide was there at lunchtime to offer her drinks. The aide either held the cup or put a straw in it so Abby could sip. But, today Abby cut back on her fluid intake. At lunchtime, she did not drink her second cup of lemonade.

When Abby was finished, her mom and sister took her back to room for a visit.

It was nice to see a resident's family get good news during a visit.

Maintenance's placement of nonslip strips

I have been asking since January if maintenance could put some nonslip strips on the floor beside the bed. I thought having that material on the floor might make the aides feel more secure because I will not slip. The maintenance man came in last week to put the strips down. I was at my desktop PC and he said he would wait till I was out of the room. I didn't question why he was going to put them on the floor so close to my desktop PC. But, I thought he wanted extra space in order not to feel cramped. So, I let it go.

This morning the maintenance man was standing outside my door. I should have asked what he was going to do in my room. But I didn't.

When I returned from breakfast the nonslip strips were down. But they were eighteen inches away from where my bed is normally positioned. I asked the aides why he put them there. One of them must've asked him. He told them my bed was not in the correct position, and that he put the strips on the floor based on where my bed should be.

So I'm being told that I am encroaching on my roommate's side of the room. One of the aides said the facility could be cited for that by the state. I wonder if they have been talking among themselves about my bed positioning problem.

Today I got an email from the maintenance man. It referenced an email I sent him last week when I was told by the fire prevention specialist that I had to have a "patient care area" power strip for my desktop PC. The fire prevention consultant also said my desktop PC must be six feet away from the bed. In the maintenance man's email he restated that my lines surge protector is compliant – as long as – it's six feet away from the bed.

My printer sits on my metal filing cabinet. The aides have been really rough on that filing cabinet.. I bought it in 2011 and my sister bought me a new one in 2013. At the end of last summer the casters have fell off of it. So, there's no way to easily move it. In order to keep his table there is a 2 x 4 under it. Housekeeping slides it on a 2 x 4 when they cleaning. I wonder if they want that filing cabinet gone so they can push my bed closer to the door.

I don't know what they want me to do now that they are telling me my bed is positioned in the wrong spot. I need this set up for my desktop PC. I know they want me to get rid of extra stuff. But they also bring me too many supplies and I have nowhere to put them which is out of sight.

In the meantime, I'm trying to find a solution to the nonslip strip problem. They do make portable pieces of gripping material. It could be put anywhere on the the floor and I could stand without slipping.

That might be the solution I need.

Am I the goddess mama?

I will call him Moses which is not his name. He has been a resident here for over a year. He's in his early 20s, racially mixed, and his skin is a light mocha color.

When he was comfortable here, I knew I did not have much in common with a young man. I'm sure I probably just said hello and went on about my business. But he's followed me up and down the hall – right behind my power chair. I don't know why he does that, but I wonder if he is lonely. He's kind of a cute little guy even though he has a missing, or broken front tooth.

He told me that he likes rap and that he used to perform. I don't know if that is true or not, but he may have. A month or so ago there was a memo on the wall in the hallway saying the facility was searching for talent for a show sometime in the future. After that, I started thinking about Moses maybe doing a rap song from Hamilton – the Broadway musical. I wonder if he even knows anything about it.

Several weeks ago before I had all my Hoyer lift troubles, I told him I would teach him a rap song and get him the lyrics. I don't know if there is a way for me to get him the melody that he'd have to learn. But, I thought he could do it, or we could do it. Well, life got in my way, and I kind of put that on the back burner and forgot about it.

Sometimes I think it should be okay for a 68-year-old woman to watch a movie or just talk with a 20 something year old young man. But, a couple of the aides say that Moses can be a bit too friendly. I guess they mean he gets a little touchy, grabby at times.

Moses and I talked for a little bit in the hallway. He has an aunt who takes him out. Maybe I'm a sort of an aunt substitute here. It's kind of funny because a few months ago Moses called me goddess mama. I didn't know quite what to think about that. But I think the term is cute.

Earlier this afternoon I was playing Free Cell on my desktop PC. I heard a little knock knock on the door. It opened slightly and it was Moses. He asked if I was playing solitaire, and I told him I was. He said, "Maybe you'll win the next one".

He said, "I've never seen your room". I said, "You can come in". But I was feeling a little insecure about him coming in, and maybe I sounded that way. Moses said, "I bet they'll find a way to run me out".

Thinking about it as others would, I told him maybe someday, though not tomorrow because I'm going out, I can bring him down and show him my room.

When the aides came in to help me a little bit later. I told them about Moses' visit. I said I do not think much good can come of him visiting me. One of the aides said that she felt Moses just needed someone to talk to.

I have heard that Moses says some really strange things. I just don't want to put myself in an uncomfortable spot.

Since I would like to remain the goddess mama, I want to have a talk with him about friendship parameters. I don't want him to get any outlandish ideas about me. Loneliness and desperation can cause residents to have relationships of convenience. Then, later, things fall apart and it hurts.

I can never be brave and just see what happens. The reason why is, that's just not me.

Marie is back

An aide I will call Marie came back to work today, and she will be working every other weekend. We had heard a while back that she was returning. Marie had been let go back in February for being a "no call/no-show" on a weekend. We were all disappointed when she did that. We knew there was an explanation why she was not here. I thought that she probably had been out the night before, drank too much, and was not able to come to work. But, when you have a job you can't really not show up and expect to keep it.

Marie had been getting over a rough breakup.. Even though I thought she was better off without that boyfriend, she was miserable. That contributed to her losing her job.

She came in to do my morning washup this morning. I have learned over the years not to get too excited by much of anything. Things change quickly and people change their minds so often, it's hard to keep up. I don't really like my emotions to be on a roller coaster. So, when Marie left I messaged her on Facebook for a while, and then stopped. I had to put my Marie memories in the velvet lined wooden box I keep in my brain. That's the safe place, far enough away, so they cannot make me sad.

It was the same old Marie. She has a nice, calm, vibe. She hasn't worked here for a while so she is rested and not mentally drained. She's even gained a little weight and is feeling a bit better about herself.

Things were quieter in the dining room. Marie has a short attention span and she flits. But I managed to reel her back in when I or someone else needed her. She was attentive to everyone. Many of the residents were very glad to see her. Many remember the happy times they experienced with her.

I kidded this afternoon that it must be nice to have a fan club. I told her she can feel good about how the residents reacted to her return. Marie also realizes that she has to rehabilitate her image with her coworkers.

But, her return shows that all of us can contribute. Even the young millennials who like to have fun, and because of that, sometimes put their jobs in jeopardy.

Welcome back Marie!

Dementia preview

A resident I will call Holly has been here for a few years. She is a nice woman and a former registered nurse. However, she has very little short-term memory.

Holly can remember things in her past and some things in her near past. But, five minutes after she meets someone, they are a stranger to her.

Holly tries really hard to interact socially with other residents. But is it is difficult. Some have severe mental health problems. Others have severe physical problems and can't or don't want to talk with her. Holly gets frustrated and as a former RN tries to help. She steps in and frequently oversteps her authority. Therefore, she is constantly reminded by staff, and sometimes by me, that she is not the nurse in charge ..

Today Holly was in a communicative mood. She wanted to get chummy with everybody. She was also watching everything that was going on.

Holly does unexpected things. She was eating a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar at lunchtime. All of a sudden she dunked it into her milk. I thought she was going to dunk it and then take a bite. But I think her brain moved on, and she forgot why the ice cream bar was in the milk. One of the aides went over and pulled the ice cream stick out so Holly would not choke on it. Then, Holly got upset. She did not finish the ice cream bar. Though she never said she didn't like it, I wonder if that is the reason why she dunked it in the milk.

Poor Holly always wants a napkin. But, she cannot have them because she will chew on them. She also tries to eat things that are not food. So, the aides have to watch her pretty carefully when she's in the dining room.

Holly was talking constantly and trying to interact with one female resident who was experiencing successive anxiety attacks. That poor, anxious woman held her breath until her face turned red. I think Holly trying to help her upset her more. Eventually, Holly was moved to another table.

It has to be confusing for Holly when she can't remember, and when her brain flits from one thing to another.

Watching Holly is a preview of what dementia is like. But I've known for a wow, that in between the mixed up moments, there are, all of a sudden, lucid ones..

But for Holly, who forgets almost everything, she seems to have no real concern later on. But she does cry out for her mother, dad, and her son. Holly knows she is not with them and even without much short-term memory, when she's alone, she says she misses them.

Choosing another Dragon headset

Last year a speech recognition software professional said I should get a better headset microphone for my Dragon Professional Individual 15. I knew he had a point. But I wondered if a more expensive headset would be better. I have been using the reasonably priced ones for the last 15 years. I just did not feel like paying more when I must depend on others to plug, unplug, and store it  for me. I usually have them hang it on the desktop monitor.

I told the speech recognition software professional that the headsets on his website were expensive – starting at over $60. I said my sister would be buying it and I wanted to keep the price down. I told him I would send her the link for the $60 headset – that was $47 on Amazon. I told him we would get if there because of the lower cost. I suggested he might try out some less expensive headsets for customers who might want one.

My sister ordered lower end model from Amazon. However, that headset cut out with sound and no sound when I tried it. My sister had me send it back. She reordered the same model and so far it has worked well.

I need a backup headset. When I got the desktop repaired, I put off getting one. Earlier this week, my aide noticed that the newer, $47 headset has a wire sticking out on the inside top. She tried to push it back into its compartment. But, that loose wire made me wonder if it will last.

Though I was leery of my sister ordering that $47 headset again, I sent her the link to that one and the less expensive headset that cost $24. I asked her for input on which one to order. The less expensive one works well because I purchased them in the past. However, sometimes they do not last very long. But I don't know if my $47 headset will hold up any longer men the inexpensive ones.

Today my sister emailed a copy of the order showing she bought the less expensive headset, and it's on its way to me.

Evening – nursing home – hungry

We had French dip today which is roast beef. It's supposed to have au jus. But I have never have had it here..

It's also never in a sandwich. At my previous nursing home they put it on tasty sub- type buns and the juice was in the little cup – to dip the sandwich. I didn't do that. But it was still there for a little excitement and difference in a meal.

I don't really care much for this roast beef. I just wonder if it's chuck roast. The chuck roast my mother served when I was growing up tasted nothing like this. To me beef today tastes like it's manufactured in a factory, not like it was grown on an animal.

Anyway, we had a little bit of French dip, mashed potatoes and gravy, and a small portion of green beans. The aides ate the same lunch and they said there portions were even smaller. [[But the aides get lunch free. So, I guess they shouldn't complain.]] However, my aide complained anyway.

She said there was not enough beef and potatoes and that the pineapple for dessert was terrible. I tasted a little puréed pineapple from another resident before she ate any, and it was sort of tasteless. But it did not taste bad – in the conventional sense.

So a meal that smelled good did not look good. Then, there wasn't enough of it.

It's almost snack time and I'm planning on eating my tuna salad kit. It is a 3 ounce can of tuna with a pack of mayonnaise, relish, and six crackers. It's all you need to have a snack or lunch of tuna or tuna salad.

At least it will be a bit more protein to add to this day's nutritional balance.

I just had the tuna with mayonnaise on crackers and it was surprisingly good. Part of that may have been that I was able to choose it myself.

Desktop is repaired

The two block away computer tech brought my desktop PC back last night. It's in that shiny, new CPU case that has two of its own USB ports. There are also three USBs in the module he installed in an empty bay. He started up the desktop and it was working fine.

It was interesting that I was able to pay him with a credit card that he puts through a scanner type device synced with his cell phone. It's really a nifty way to do a transaction and allow his customers to use credit cards which he says do not have outrageous fees.

He said he ran updates on all my software, cleaned dust and debris out of the tower, and checked things out. I'm glad that was done. This is the first actual maintenance that's been done on it since I got it in 2012.

It wasn't until I used it today that I appreciated how improved my desktop PC is. First of all, the new USB ports in this CPU case are up higher. That means it will be easier for others to plug and unplug from them. It's also less likely that they will be broken from bumping into them. That was a problem with the old CPU case.

My touchpad works so well I just could not believe it. For once, the pointing arrow is not sticking. It's not automatically highlighting all the text in what I'm reading or writing, like it was. The touchpad almost acted like it was possessed by a demon. It was doing things, and selecting things, that I did not want selected.

The headset works much better in this new CPU case. It must be a much better connection. I had no trouble getting it to recognize my voice. There were no error boxes popping up to tell me that my audio was having problems or was too low.

So I went to Facebook and did a SHOUT OUT to the computer tech. I thanked him for the good job and the fact that the upgrade has made things so much better.

I appreciate having the other half of my brain back with me.

Nursing home baked potatoes

I don't really remember baked potatoes at my previous nursing home. We may have had them but somehow I doubt it. Putting a baked potato on a dietary cart to go on a hall cart hoping it will stay warm would be doubtful. So, baked potatoes are more doable in a nursing home where all residents eat in the dining room.

I don't remember baked potatoes when I first came here. But in the last few years we have had many of them. I'm sure nutritional guidelines recommend eating potatoes over pasta and bread sides, like stuffing, so maybe that maybe why we get them. I also notice it's more of a summer menu item, and I have no idea why.

I used to like a good baked potato. But it's been a long time since I've had one baked in the oven. When I lived on my own, they were made in the microwave – which is not really baking – but more like boiling. But you get the same effect, a soft, warm, and, with margarine and sour cream, a yummy baked potato.

However, the baked potatoes here are different. They are hard, dense, and dry. But, when you cut one open, they do not look that way. They seem to harden after margarine and sour cream are put on them. That's why I wonder how they're prepared.

I've been told they are not baked but boiled. If they keep their potatoes in the refrigerator to prevent sprouting, they probably start cooking them cold from the fridge. Could that be the reason the end up being hard and dry? But, the steam table could dry them out too.

The dryness of the baked potato makes me want more margarine/butter to moisten it. They are better when dietary puts cheese and bacon on them. They are a bit trite, but the enhanced flavor makes them seem less so.

Maybe it's just the fact that the potatoes are bakers, which my mother seldom bought. Maybe she didn't like the texture and taste of Idaho potatoes..

Perhaps they should leave the skins on and cut the potatoes in fourths and boil them. Cutting them will make them cook faster. Perhaps cooking them that way might infuse more moisture. Then we could just adorn them with butter/margarine and sour cream and they might be more moist than the way they're made now.

Even in a nursing home, there must be a way to get a nice, soft baked potato.

A sort of sunless summer

I used to like summer. But one time I was also thinner and cooler when it was warm outside. When I lived on my own for thirteen years, I used to lay out on my sun bed. I remember that some of my condo neighbors thought my caregivers MADE ME lay out in the sun. I had to assure them that laying out was my idea and that I felt it helped me immensely. Many summers I was quite brown and very proud of my tan.

But as I got closer to 40 I realized I would not be able to keep getting such a dark tan every summer. I knew it would be dangerous and potentially harmful to my skin.

When I moved to my first nursing home, I was able to go outside and sit in the sun. But, I did not ever get to put on a bikini or shorts and a top and lie on a sun bed. I have to admit that up until I turned 60, I missed it. I always associated lying in the sun with feeling better. But even if I had been allowed to lay out, there was no private place that I could without others, sometimes many others, seeing me.

Still, I sat outside and got some sun on my face and arms. I have not worn shorts since I've had to wear a leg brace all the time for support. Since then, I wear slacks and my legs have not seen much sun.

At this nursing home we are on a residential street. It looks to me like two houses were demolished to build this building. There is no fence around it and there is no flat, grassy area for residents to sit out and enjoy the sun. The building is surrounded on three sides by blacktop and cement. In this urban/suburban setting, sitting out there would be pretty hot.

So there isn't much to look forward to in summer. I can look out the windows the windows and see the sun shining, the grass growing, the trees swaying in the breeze, and the flowers in the neighbors' yards. But I'm seldom out in it. Some days it makes me so sad. It's not too bad to be inside in the winter time. After all, going out then could be uncomfortable. For me using a power chair it would be difficult getting through snow and ice.

But spring and summer are special and it's hard for me to keep my spirits up when I have no way to go out and enjoy the weather every day. After all, I can't capture the sun and put it in a bottle.

There is a patio in the back but it is small. If I were to go out there in my power chair, I would, of necessity call have to pretty much stay in one spot. It was made for walking residents and not for very many of them.

While I no longer care to be outside when it's over 90° – except four a short time. I still would like to feel the hot sun and warm air on my skin.

There's just something about it that makes me feel more human and like any other of God's creatures.

Missing my desktop PC's brain

It's been over a week since the desktop went to the shop. I thought it might be back by now or at least it would be coming back at the beginning of the week. I did get a call yesterday from the tech and he asked if I still wanted more new USBs besides the two in the new CPU case he got for my system. He asked me if I wanted a card reader. I told him I would take the card reader IF there were three USBs on the module. He said they were and I told him to put it in. I don't really understand why that was confusing. I thought I made it quite clear. He said since there were eight on the back of the CPU he thought that was sufficient.. But, I want at least five on the front because I'm used to them.

So I'm just waiting for my desktop to be fixed. It's funny, because it feels like I lost part of my brain. I had certain things on the desktop and they are not necessarily on my laptop. I'm at a loss because I cannot reorganize files that aren't on my laptop. I keep looking for things I cannot find. It's really strange. All my purchases, taxes, and most of my records are on the desktop.

I've learned from this experience that I have to fix it. Once I get the desktop back, I need to make sure that I put the files on an external hard drive so that I can access them from my laptop. I realize what a pain that is going to be. I think maybe I need to do some research to find out how to best do it. Otherwise, I will have parts of files. Or I will have to save things by date. It just sounds like a nightmare to me.

I don't really want to put all those files on Google drive because it could overwhelm it. I only have 15 GB there total. Perhaps I can finally try Microsoft One Drive since they were giving 100 GB free.

I like to read my old writings from ten years ago or farther back than that. It's funny to see what I wrote about. I enjoyed reading old journal entries which are not on my laptop.

The desktop is also much faster. I miss the card game Free Cell which is on my Windows 7 desktop. Windows 10 does not have a card game, unless you buy it.

I did find some good deals on external hard drives. I just don't know the best one to buy. But I have a Toshiba and would probably buy the same kind.

I look forward to the day I have my desktop back. Maybe in the meantime I need to clean up the files on my laptop.

Oh dear… I think I found a job for myself.

My tray was late

I went down to lunch today and was sitting at my table right on time. Tray pass was a little bit slow probably because there is some new staff in the kitchen. I watched as meal trays moved a bit awkwardly from the kitchen to the aides who took them to the residents.

My aide took the time until my tray got there, to feed the resident next to me. I was watching the process and was just thinking they were getting trays out in a different way today. Sometimes they start on a different side of the dining room and pass trays from that side to the other – just for a change of pace.

But today, I noticed after fifteen minutes or so that the whole back dining room had been served except for me. I said something to my aide and she assured me they had not forgotten me. But it looked like none of the aides had looked back to the back dining room in quite a while.

Since there were student nurses, I asked if one of them could ask dietary about my tray. One of them did and she said that they would be sending my tray soon. But I waited for a little while, and that didn't happen. It was hard to sit there when all the residents at our table were served, except for me. I always have to wait to eat no matter what. I usually must wait until an aide is ready to start feeding me. In the meantime, my aide is in the process of finishing up feeding another resident.

The student nurses were standing around and I said I wanted my tray, and if I did not get it soon I would leave. I told them it's hard to sit there and smell food and have nothing to eat. With that, my aide asked one of the student nurses to watch things in the back dining room while she went to the kitchen. I saw her standing there waiting and I wondered what was up.

When she brought my tray, they had put cheese on my hamburger, which I normally don't get. They had no substitute for the potato salad except macaroni and cheese which I do not eat. They gave me a pickled egg instead of just giving me pickled beets. I hate it when they're wasteful. The bun on the hamburger was falling apart from moisture. I had to eat the hamburger on the bun upside down to keep it from falling apart.

The potato salad is not my cup of tea. So, this lunch was a hamburger, a pickled egg, and half the pickled beets. By the time I was finished. It was very hot in the dining room. I decided to leave before I ate my applesauce for dessert.

I talked with the nurse manager afterwards and asked if she knew that I was in the back dining room twenty minutes before I got my tray. She told me they could not find my dietary card. They needed to have it there just to know to make me a tray. So I was not even in the queue. Still, the cook has been here for several years and knows my diet and should have known what to put on my tray, or one of the aides could have told her.

How Zoloft is affecting me so far…

I haven't taken 75 mg of Zoloft in almost a year. In July 2016 the pharmacy here recommended the dosage be decreased to 50 mg, and I went along with it.

But now that I'm back on it, I wonder how it is affecting me.

I didn't notice much change the first week. Then, in the second week I started to get gastrointestinal discomfort and a lot of rumbling. It almost seemed to me like my body was fighting the Zoloft increase from the inside. But, I also noticed I was calmer.

The gastrointestinal discomfort subsided some in the third week. That made me kind of nervous. I wondered what caused my belly and intestines to all of a sudden accept what the Zoloft was doing.

I've noticed some increased sleepiness in the daytime – which I don't like. It started out with just yawning. Even one milligram of Valium makes me a bit sleepy. But the increased Zoloft it is definitely making me sleepier then I was.

This week it seems like my bowels have slowed down. While they may have been a bit overactive on 50 mg, on 75 mg they are different. I may not have to worry so much about getting to the bathroom quickly after eating or drinking, like I was. I have irritable bowel syndrome and I can have diarrhea or constipation, or a mix. My IBS is similar to what walking around people get, but my lack of activity makes it worse.

Getting physical therapy may have caused my bowels to move a bit more, although I did not notice that. Nevertheless, extra movement and increased circulation does do things like that.

If Zoloft is dulling things down and numbing me then it has to be doing it to my insides too.

So, I need to increase the amount of fiber I eat. I also have to drink more water. It's too bad they seem to have cut back on vegetables here. There are only a couple of days a week that we are served green vegetables which have a high-fiber content.

I have also decreased the amount I eat. I had a ten pound weight gain in March that came out of the blue, and I would like to lose it. I'm so concerned the extra Zoloft will increase my appetite, that I am cutting back on desserts and carbohydrates. It's so easy for me to not tell myself the truth about how much I eat, which most of us do.

My sister said the Zoloft could take a while to get into my system and work effectively. I'm hoping it will assist me to be less anxious. If that happens, I may not be as grumpy. If it calms me, I wonder if I will cease to get sudden hot flashes, or whatever makes me get too warm too often.

I do have to let the Zoloft work and not worry so much about it. Zoloft has always been the antidepressant which caused me the fewest side effects.

But, I also know, aging can change the way drugs work in my system.

Hoyer discontinued

After breakfast I was ready for another therapy session of hot packs and stretching of my knees and hips. I was pleased both therapists were here and had said hello to me right after breakfast. That meant we were on schedule and that I might be able to get started on my day at the computer a bit sooner.

When I came to my room to get ready to have therapy transfer me, the therapy manager said the Hoyer lift had been discontinued. I had waited so long to hear that that when she said it I thought maybe I had not heard her correctly. She told me the dayshift aides had agreed to stand me to transfer using a regular gait belt. The therapist said she would train the aides on the other shifts how to transfer me using a gait belt.

I did not say very much. I thought my therapy had ended. But she said I had one more treatment – today's. With that, I got hot pack to my right under thigh and stretching to both hips and knees.

It all seems sort of strange. Both the therapist and therapy assistant told me if I needed anything to ask when I saw them in the hallway. Getting therapy is always an interruption that you have to get used to. But when it ends, it sort of seems like you're losing both a treatment and a friend.

No, the transfer belt did not work and we had to give up on that idea. I was really hoping it would work because I thought the aides would feel more comfortable especially the ones who are shaky lifting me anyway. But it was not to be.

So after lunch, before I went to bed, I was allowed to stand to transfer before I went to the bathroom. It was the most free I have felt in many weeks. The only time I have stood in the last eight weeks is when therapy stood me twice a day. It really didn't seem like much but it helped.

I am glad I no longer have to deal with that large Hoyer lift and its pad which is too big for me anyway. It's great if you need it. But, right now I think I can continue to stand to transfer at least as long as I am strong enough.

It's funny I have wanted to get off that Hoyer for weeks. I thought it would be overjoyed. I guess in the end I was just grateful that therapy wanted to help me stand and that they worked with me until I was allowed to stand without them.

His moving out – postponed

Duane has been here for a couple of years. When he first came, he was moved in with another new resident who moved in the same day. Duane must not of felt comfortable because he slept in a chair in the hallway for several days. He was very quiet, and I learned he had been homeless. I watched over the succeeding days as he improved, was moved to another room, and finally slept in bed.

Then, a few weeks later Duane started helping in the dining room after meals. He cleaned off tables and picked up trash, and walked the clothing protectors to the laundry. He wanted to do more than that but the nurse manager did not want him to. However, she did realize that allowing him to help made his life better.

One day in the front lobby I thanked Duane for helping. I said what he did helped all the residents. I also said the things he did relieved the aides of a few duties – which they appreciated. He shared that he'd worked as a school janitor. He said part of his job was cleaning up after the kids at lunch time. He said even though some of those kids could make a real mess, he still enjoying his job.

A few months ago Duane told me he had been diagnosed with a type of lymphoma, after a lymph node was removed. I asked if is going to have chemo or radiation and he said he did not know. I told him they were rough but doable – since I have had both for breast cancer twice.

I know he went to see another doctor about his diagnosis. But, he told me he would have to wait for treatment. I wondered if it was too late to treat his cancer and if that worried him.

Duane already has sores on his feet and the nurses bandage them. I know he would frequently get aggravated when they did not bandage them as quickly as he thought they should.. I don't know what causes his sores, maybe circulatory problems. But I do know some days he has difficulty walking.

Because of his health problems I was surprised a few weeks ago when Duane said he was in the process of moving out. His was moving to another town about 50 miles away to his own apartment. He said there was redtape that he had to get through. But I could tell he was pleased with himself because he was working at it. I told him I hoped everything would work out.

Duane at a scheduled move out date, which concerned me. From watching two other residents move out with the assistance of Ohio's government agencies, I know things can sometimes get messed up. Making plans for a resident move is daunting. They need a place to live, furniture, utilities, necessary nursing services, and food. Sometimes details get forgotten. The two residents who eventually moved out didn't get to go on the first date schedule. In one case, the move was postponed two more times. I hated to see each resident get excited to move out, only to be told they had to stay longer. It made me begin to wonder if disappointing a resident was moving out, was part of the program. I thought maybe they wanted to see how the resident adapted to a change in plans.

Duane told me that something essential was forgotten. He needed nursing set up so his bandages could be changed twice a week. Somehow that is not set up yet. I wonder when his next move out date will be.

Having my eyebrows done

I haven't had my eyebrows professionally done in a long time. They don't look that bad and I just have one of the aides trim them about once a month. That's all they really need to look neat and managed.

Though some days I would really like to have some time spent on beautifying myself. It's frustrating that I'm not able to do it myself. But if one of the aides does it for me, it makes me feel better.

This morning I asked my aide if she would trim my eyebrows some. I have a small eyebrows trimmer that I bought. When she tried it she said the blade was not sharp enough to make a clean-cut. So it was kind of cutting up the ends. So she just used scissors to trim them.

This morning she also took the time to thin my eyebrows out some. Having five aides this morning greatly assisted that to happen. There were for a change enough aides to take care of the needs of the residents.

It seemed kind of surreal that I was getting my eyebrows "sort of" done. I've noticed as I age my eyebrows are looking more and more like an old man's. Some are longer and some are wild sticking out every which way. I don't remember that from when I was younger. Of course, I no longer have an eyebrow brush. But I thought it would be nice to see my eyebrows looking better than usual.

After she trimmed them, she pulled out the wild ones to give my eyebrows a better line. No one has done that in quite a while because the aides usually don't have the time

***.

I remember when a female resident named Theda died at my previous nursing home. She was such a nice lady. But I knew she gave a lot of her former life up when she moved to the nursing home.

One of the aides went to see her at the calling hours at the funeral home. She told me she would not have known her. I said that I knew her hair was probably styled for the showing. The residents and staff were used to Theda wearing her hair in a short, curly perm. The aide said Theda's hair had been styled. But she admitted that was not the main thing that changed her appearance. She told me Theda no longer had thick, bushy eyebrows. Her eyebrows had been tweezed which greatly improved her appearance.

***

After I heard that little tale I thought about it for a long time. I'm sure the beautician at the nursing home salon might have been willing to thin out Theda's eyebrows with the trimmers. I wonder if she ever asked. Theda what not have wanted to bother anybody. But, she didn't keep her nails polished, or one of the aides did. Maybe doing her eyebrows was not all that important. Or she might not have felt up to having it done anymore. Theda seemed resigned to living in the nursing home in order not to be a burden on her daughters.

A June heat wave

For over six years I've lived on this north-central Ohio plain and have experienced 90° temperatures in May. But this was not year for that. In May it just got close – 87°.

A week ago 90° temperatures were forecast this weekend. People on vacations are probably thrilled, as are kids eager to head to the pool. But for us residents living in this institutional building, it feels hot and muggy. There is some air-conditioning but it is spotty on hot days. The back dining room gets particularly warm.

Also, on this weekend tho air-conditioning was (as usual) turned up a bit higher. There are fewer staff here and no one in the offices.

Even so, yesterday my window air conditioner kept it comfortable in my room.

A few residents wanted to go outside to eat lunch on the patio. The nurse left them even though they had decided not to do that on particularly warm days. The patio door is open and the warm air comes in the building and freezes up the air conditioner. The dining room was comfortable initially. But by the time I was finished with lunch it was hot. I wanted out of there and wanted to find a cool spot to relax in.

But, I rode up and down the hallways searching for a cooler place and could not find one. In early June, they seldom have a fan blowing in the hallway. There wasn't even a fan at the nurses station.

I saw that the faces of the staff were covered with a veil of perspiration. A few residents looked the same. Even though, many residents take blood thinners, or other drugs that keep them chilly all the time, many were sporting lighter weight clothing.

It's supposed to be warm for several days. Then, a late spring storm should put an end to the 90s for this week anyway.

I never thought I'd miss living in a valley. It's scary there when the thunderstorms go around three times. But, to me, it is much hotter living on the plain.

Warm day, and soup for lunch

The summer menu is kind of strange. Potato soup is on it. To me that is a hearty dish to eat when lighter food is much more desirable. It's not that the soup isn't good. It is. The fact that it has lots of carbs and is also warm makes it seem like a strange thing to eat on a warm June day.

There was no obvious protein in today's lunch. The menu was: potato soup, salad, and ice cream for dessert. It was a pretty light meal calorie wise. But, it was also light meal protein wise. For me, who's on a diet (or food program) all the time, I need protein to keep my blood sugar up to make me feel satisfied and full.

I ended up taking one of my tuna packs down to lunch with me. I have bought three ounce cans of tuna since they first became available – years ago. They are great to put on a large salad and then add salad dressing. It's an instant dieter's meal. I also make tuna salad with just a pack of mayo and put it on saltines or pretzel crisps.

I was in the dining room waiting for my tray. My tuna lunch kit was sitting on the table. My tray didn't come and didn't come. When we asked, they said they thought I did not want ANYTHING from dietary for lunch. I told them I would eat some of it – but I brought the tuna (for protein) to have with it.

I had to wait a while for my tray. But I didn't mind. While I was waiting the aide fed the woman next to me and she finished first. She likes to eat faster than I do anyway.

Because I ate the tuna, with the mayonnaise packet on it, and eight the six crackers that came with it, I did not want as much of the soup. I ate about one half of it .

The salad was lettuce and tomatoes with Italian dressing.

I was given applesauce, which I did not eat.

It was hot in that dining room. As soon as I finished, I wanted to get out of there and go find a cooler spot.

Desktop PC's front USBs shot

I have had a lot of front USB port trouble  with my desktop PC since it was put together by a local vendor almost five years ago. I thought the front USB ports looked cheaply made. The two desktop PCs I had before were made by Gateway. They seemed to be more stoutly made. I don't think I ever had much trouble with USB ports until the desktop was five years old. I had the one five years and the second one for six, and they both worked well. I never blew USB port.

But this desktop is different. It was less expensive than the Gateway's I purchased. But, in 2012 desktop PCs were less expensive, even so, I think I paid quite a bit for just the tower (with the configuration I wanted) and a 19 inch screen. I bought my own software and the computer tech installed most of it. The software was not figured into the cost of building the PC.. I wish I had asked for the best medium priced USB ports. But, I don't think I felt like I had to stress that.

Those front ports were used for almost everything. For a while I used a headset with mic jacks. But not long after, I switched to a USB headset. That and a touchpad were the peripherals that had to be plugged in. I added a mini keyboard sometime later. I stopped using a keyboard when my adaptive membrane keyboard died. I don't like leaving the big keyboard out. It gets too dusty and I only use Dragon speech recognition software or the on-screen keyboard anyway.

As I said, we used the front USB ports. There are more USBs in the back that could be utilized. But, since the USBs started acting so weird last week, I wanted to have a tech check them out and check out the power to them. This desktop PC has not had to be repaired. A friend cleaned the tower out one year and two years ago a resident friend here cleaned it out. I knew the desktop needed to be checked out..

The tech came last night to pick it up. He told me the USB ports in the front are shot. He said he was surprised that I was able to keep them working this long. I told him I knew they were failing, and that they needed servicing for a while.

I asked him how he fix them. He said I would need either a new CPU case or USB modules to replace the bad ones. I had considered both those options and really don't know which one is best. A new CPU case he admitted would be the quickest way to fix it and guarantee workable USB ports. I had five USBs in the front and probably eight in the back. So far, I have not found a case configured that way. I wonder if he will find one with the right configuration.

The tech told me he would would not get to start desktop until today. Computer tech work is his second job, so it may take him a while.

I hope this (new to me) tech can get me USBs in the front which are sturdy to keep my peripherals going. Losing that desktop PC makes me feel like I've lost part of my brain.

Maybe menu selections by food committee?

Usually each summer turkey and dressing our taken off the menu. I thought that was because it's kind of heavy meal which is usually served in the fall closer to Thanksgiving, and sometimes Christmas – a holiday meal. I do know that it was not on the menu for the last two summers.

That's why I was surprised that today we had turkey and dressing for lunch. We also had puréed sweet potatoes and for some reason spinach. The meal in total was not that bad. I just think it's a lot of heavy food for June.

I would rather they would use the turkey another way. They could make turkey tetrazini, put it in a chef salad, or even turkey Devan would be good.

Dietary is hurting for help these days. One dietary aide is off because a family member is dying dying. Another cook, who used to be the dietary manager, is off on vacation. So that may be why we had the turkey dinner. The dietary manager may have wanted to serve it. It tasted good today because it was a bit chilly outside. We've had some unseasonably cool weather the last few days.

But I have to say, I thought it was a good idea that we skipped turkey and dressing for the summer months. That made turkey taste much better when we began to eat it again in the fall.

I think they need to figure out some other side summer menu dishes besides potato salad and macaroni salad.

I wish they would consider having chili dogs once in a while. Even though I'm not a big fan, it's a change. It is so easy for dietary to get in a food rut.

Since it's June, it would be so nice if we could get some locally grown strawberries. In all my years living in nursing homes, neither has ever served fresh, local strawberries during the month of June. I mentioned this to one of the aides the other day. She said no one would go pick them. I said they could make it a group effort and take the residents with them and let them help. But after I said that, that aide gave me an extremely funny look.

Our food has become humdrum. It looks like we are getting mostly heat and eat items. Even our breakfast juice (the apple juice anyway) is prepackaged in sealed four ounce containers. It's probably convenient for the cook and dietary aide. But it doesn't look very comforting or homey.

It's a challenge to keep the budget in order and feed us enough calories and nutrition each day while avoiding food that will make us fatter than we need to be.

After living here over six years, I still think this nursing home needs a food committee.

Desktop PC's on the blink

I wish I could say I always liked this desktop. In 2012 I had a local vendor who'd done some work on my Gateway desktop put a new system together for me. I always thought I should have asked more questions.

I ended up getting the computer for probably less then it would've cost me if I had bought it online. It looked like it was going to be okay. I realize now I should've stopped by the computer shop and checked to see what it looked like. I also should have seen for myself (before purchasing it) that it had everything on it I wanted.

But I didn't do that. I first saw it when it was brought here. I was surprised that there were not at least eight front USB ports. I thought it would be easier for the aides to plug and unplug peripheral devices from the front of the desktop PC.

I did not have it very long before I started having power problems. Then the technician had to show me what to do when they happened. I ended up needing to buy a bigger hard drive. After that was installed things seemed to work better.

But I never liked the Mickey Mouse system front port of the front USB modules. There are two USBs on the bottom panel and a mic jack for a headset. Then, there are three up higher in a module with a card reader – which I did not ask for.

For a while after I got a laptop in early 2014, the aides were plugging and unplugging the same headset. Not long after I decided to have a touchpad and headset for each. I was afraid of the wear and tear that was being put on the USB ports. The tower is low on a stand and in order to plug-in the person has to reach down. I know some would pull on the cord to remove the plug instead of reaching down closer and pulling out by the USB connector. But I realize, everything wears out.

Two years ago I started having trouble with the USB ports. I called a tech (the one who put the desktop together) to get an estimate to fix them – or buy new USB modules. He recommended all new front ports and a fee of at least $100. Well, I did not have the money. I asked my sister and told her the ports would just die if I didn't maintain them. I think she thought the tech was trying to get money out of me. Since none seem to be broken completely, it did not get fixed.

Instead, my sister got me a plug-in USB hub. I told her later that I could not use that with my touchpad. The touchpad has to be plugged directly into the USB port without any other devices. A few months later I had trouble again. Since then, I've had trouble with touchpads and headsets I have had to to swap them in and out. It seems like I've bought a lot of touchpads since I got the desktop – less than five year ago.

This past weekend I kept getting messages that there were no drivers for my USB ports. Since I received these before, I know there's little I can do. I went in and made sure all the USB ports were enabled and were not enabled to shut down to save power. Fixing that can sometimes fix the problem.. Other solutions to port problems can involve cutting and pasting code to a notepad in order to change variables in the computer's programming. I decided that was out of my league. I might do something and lock up the desktop. I know that can be change, but NOT easily by me.

I called a tech the other night a couple of blocks away. He says he will come and take a look at it Thursday evening after 7 PM. I told him I'm pretty sure some of the USBs need repaired or replaced.

Yesterday one of the USBs dropped a part. I have the feeling that many of the contacts of the USBs are loose, partially broken, or shorted.

So, I'm using my laptop. But I hope, my speedy desktop is back in action soon.

What will the Zoloft do?

I wanted my Zoloft increased. I came to this decision quickly even though I knew I was getting crabby and achy. My Zoloft dosage was lowered from 75 mg to 50 mg last July. The government wanted it not me. But I went along because my doctor said it could be raised again, if I wanted. I never did. I don't like taking medicine. It doesn't make me feel that good that I would want to keep taking more. Taking less sounded good. I thought maybe I would feel better. But, in the back of my mind I wondered if at some point, I might feel worse.

I have been on a lot of different antidepressants in the last 29 years. I began taking Prozac in 1988. My doctor told me if I didn't take it I would die. I don't know why I ever believed him. But, I was approaching 40, had lost my job, didn't have a clue about another one, and I was in a deep hole I needed to pull out of. I took the medicine which made me sick and sweaty for weeks. Eventually, after three months I was up and out of my house again. Another job followed but things never quite got back to the way they were.

Over the intervening years doctors and psychiatrists have tried different antidepressants. I have to admit I have also seen the ads on TV and requested particular antidepressants because of them. That probably was not always the best thing to do. However, we do what we do to get by.

I think the Zoloft increase was coming. I don't know that anyone would have suggested it. They probably would have been afraid I would hit the roof – and I might have. Taking drugs is not fun. They do good in one area and bad in others. There is always a trade-off. It is that way no matter what type of drug you take.

But I want to feel better. I also want my caregivers here to feel better about me. I want them to think I am trying. I see them point out the laziness and shiftlessness of some residents. That always hurts my heart because some of these people are the victims of circumstances. Some of those circumstances were caused by them, but many were caused by others, or were environmental. They are just here and I don't know that we should judge why.

Being called the crazy lady probably last week, did not do much for my self-esteem. I know it's an old saying that everybody here is nuts – it's a behavior facility. But, it's still old and tiring if you are me.

I have noticed I'm a bit calmer. Although, my stomach feels like a mess. I am bloated and gassy. But I have been feeling that way for a while. The brain, gut connection is not fully understood. But I'm sure – definitely – that there is one.

Therapy has worked with me. That has been a drudge and a blessing. Who would've thought that a therapist here would lower the back of my power chair seat to make me more comfortable? It may be that I forced that move, but I am so glad that it happened.

This facility has also, with the help of my friends and family, come to the realization that they need to always be changing and updating. They purchased a transfer belt for me. It looks like a piece of mountain climbing gear and probably is about that comfortable. To me it looks restrictive and I hate it. But I will use it if it allows me to stand to transfer.

I didn't know how important standing was until it was taken away.

Pitching a freelance blog idea

Today in my inbox there was notice of a writing contest. It's a website I signed up for when I thought I had lost my freelance logging job in January. I was trying to find something else and needed all the tips I could get.

I signed up for several different things. And I wondered if any of them would ever pan out.

I went to one of those online writers sites and tried to get a writing or editing job. But when I was questioned, I did not have the right answers. No one got back with me and I was discouraged.

So, I've kind of let it drop. I started my own personal blog which is public. Although, I still have no followers. It's really hard to get your name out there. I remember the good old days from 2005 to 2008 when other people read your blogs on blogspot.com. Things must be pretty different now.

Anyway, the freelance blogging pitch request said I could make $100 for a blog or maybe more. But I know they're looking for upbeat blogs that tell freelance writers how to stay positive, stay motivated, and where to look for jobs. I knew the things that pitch had to be. I also knew the things the pitch did not have to be.

I started writing the pitch and at the same time I started writing the blog. They want the blog to be no more than 1000 words. I thought I'd try to use most of the 1000 – thinking maybe I will need them.

I don't even know if I could tell my own blog's story. After all, I'm supposed to be the only paid blogger there. I was told it was against their policy to pay bloggers but that I was the exception. I don't know if I quite believe that.

Nevertheless, I started working on this pitch. The more I wrote, the more interesting I thought my story was. I was trying to be objective and see what it sounded like if I had no idea what I was talking about. It's kind of hard to do when you're writing your own stuff and you live with it every day. But the people reading it will not be me. They will be people with other interests and they will also want to know how I made a modicum of income in the last few years just by leaving comments on a long-term care magazine website.

I had until June 10 to post my pitch to the website. For some reason I thought they would have us email it, or something. But they just wanted it posted in the Comments Section – which I think is weird. But it's probably the safest way to get information. I don't know how open their website is. Obviously I had to give them my name and email address to sign up.

It took me over an hour to get that blog pitch the way I wanted it. I just kept thinking no one may have thought this way. It seems usual to me because I live it. But, other people don't.

Then, I got up the courage to post it. I had to confirm my posting to show that I mean business, or that I am not a robot. I know I'm not a robot.

I feel like I accomplished something today, even though I made no money. That made me realize that money is not the most important thing. Knowing what you want and going after it is.

Five days before the FULL MOON

The full moon phenomena is real around here. I have dealt with it since I went back to work in the 80s – my first job since becoming disabled. I noticed that some days callers were just completely off the wall. Then I started looking at the calendar to see if a full moon was near. Many times it was the day of the full moon. It was kind of uncanny.

As good as yesterday was, this morning was awful. I don't know what happened but everything was out of sync. I got up about the same time but the nurse was behind and my suppositories were late.

Then, E (my aide) was not strong enough to pull me back in the shower chair – enough. If a third aide had been assisting, two of them might have gotten me back into the shower chair better.

So I was in the chair crooked. I guess I should try not to pay attention to where I am in space or time. But it's very difficult to do that. I had to struggle to get positioned more comfortably over the toilet. Then I made a big mess again on the floor – poop everywhere. But, this has been going on for a couple of months. I blame such messes on me being crooked on the shower chair. However, I'm beginning to wonder.

E doesn't usually work on a weekend, and she was making me feel her pain. E felt like I was making things more difficult. But that's not what I was doing. I was just trying to get through a Sunday with minimal drama from the aides who do my care. But as it turned out, that did not happen.

I just never understand why some aides can find my things in my room without a problem, while others have great difficulty. When I asked E about my white support stockings, she said she knew nothing about them. She was trying to defend herself and I couldn't understand why. It's so hard for me because I cannot look for things. My memory is still good and I try to remember where aides tell me they put my things. I was persistent about them because I wanted them to put on. I just should have dropped it. E said she knew nothing about them.

I was being too strident and E was being too defensive. Then, all of a sudden, she came up with the white stockings. Unfortunately, I already had another pair on.

And the morning kind of went like that…

In the dining room residents were acting up, being needy, and doing things like moving around too much. One resident at my table was particularly talkative which can drive me crazy. It was getting to me but it was getting to the aides much worse. They kept trying to quiet her – which didn't work.

One resident was trying to stand and the alarm on her chair was causing an ear splitting noise. Some residents were complaining. It seemed like neither staff nor residents wanted to be cooperative.

When I got on my desktop PC. I checked the full moon date for June 2017. It is June 9 and today is June 4. But I have noticed previously that residents and staff act up and act out more – five days before the full moon.

I'm starting a record to see if this is the same every month. Maybe we can find a way to stave it off.

A better Saturday

This Saturday was better than any I've had in a while. A second shift aide, AA worked today. She has been a hospitality aide on dayshift, so she knows what to do as well as the resident lunch routine. That is an important part of the day here. We did not have an undercurrent like we did two weeks ago when the activities aide worked the floor. She was distracted, uncomfortable, and acted like she could not wait for her shift to be over. I know this because she was my aide on Sunday. I wondered if her days were numbered. Apparently, they were because she no longer works here..

I'm wondering what made the difference today. The other two aides were behaving better with less grumbling. I thought maybe the nurse manager gave them a pep talk on Friday. But, I think they acted differently because the second shift aide is only 18 years old. I think maybe they were acting like older sisters, or treating her in a motherly way. That was certainly better than the way they treat their coworkers during the week – whom they feel are equals. I hate it when older,, more experienced aides give young ones a hard time. I have seen a lot of it.

My aide J said AA did a good job. Jay told me me AA is a good worker who helped J with things all day. AA also said she likes to keep busy because it makes her day go quicker.

AA thought she was going to have me today. So, the other night she had another aide, who has worked dayshift on the weekend, explain my morning routine to her. I also gave her my version of what might happen in the morning. I told her to be prepared if I was not up or if another aide was late, or called off. I told her to be prepared for anything to happen. I was hoping that might be helpful to her. I told her she would be better off if she got here early.

AA showed up first and she got to pick which hall she wanted. She wanted to try out dayshift to see how it feels. Most of the aides think that dayshift aides are crabby and find fault with everybody. Working dayshift as an aide is not easy. Dayshift does mostly everything and has to due to males. It's a lot to do and keep things running smoothly at the same time.

AA is also quiet – at least in the facility. I did not hear her voicing her opinions loudly to coworkers or the residents. That's another good trait.

AA can also carry two lunch trays at the same time without dropping anything. It was so much better seeing her deliver trays to residents in a timely manner.

It looks to me like AA I be able to join the dayshift team if she's interested.

Student nurses puzzle me

Every summer we have student nurses who come here for clinicals. The ones today must be brand-new students because they just watched what was going on. The first few years their instructor was very more structured and in control. She kept them in tightly that groups. She gave them assignments and watched what they were doing. Back then they assisted with showers and other resident activities. She kept them busy doing "one on ones" with the residents.

But this school or these instructors are not as tough on the students. No student had a notepad for a book with them. The good thing was they had no cell phones either.

Today at lunch was remarkable. The aides were struggling to get the residence fed. The two aides were each feeding two residents. Since the aides are required to sit (not stand) beside the resident they're feeding, it looked difficult.

There were a group of five or six nursing students standing outside the back dining room door – talking away. The student nurses from the morning were replaced by a different group before lunch. I knew they probably didn't know much and wondered where their instructor was. One woman who appeared older, I thought might be their instructor. But she did not act like one..

I kidded my aide that one of the nursing courses for this semester must be BSing. I said that because those five students standing around by the door looked like they had "breakroom BS" down. My aide just gave me a sly eye and grinned. She understands my weird sense of humor..

Before long, a female resident stood up and her chair alarm went off. Very quickly, the older student headed her way to suggest she sit down. My aide jumped up and made sure she was seated.

Then, the instructor arrived and asked if there was anything the students could do. The aides said they needed students to assist with feeding. The students quickly took over feeding two residents near me. That freed up the aides to clear tables, record intakes/outputs, and get residents to their rooms.

A male resident who is a double amputee, and paranoid feels uncomfortable eating in the dining room when student nurses our in there. Several years ago he asked one of the nursing students to take his blood pressure. One of the facility nurses heard him and admonished him saying that was not the student's responsibility. He said he felt if he wanted his blood pressure taken, one of the nursing students could do it. I don't think he ever thought he was being rude or inconsiderate. Nevertheless, he was reminded (I felt inappropriately) that he was being an appropriate and he headed off to his room.

While he would never want to have the student nurse with him for several hours, or all day. He may have taken some nursing services from them. I understood that he didn't like students observing him while he was eating. I don't think it's unrealistic for a resident to feel that he should have some privacy in the nursing home. After all, it is his home. No one likes being watched like a lab rat. But, if he could have spent some time with a student nurse he might have assisted her to feel some compassion and understanding for residence like him.

I never figured this aide out

Tia has worked as an aide here since the summer of 2014. But I have to admit I don't know her very well.

When she first started she was pretty quiet. Tia's a pretty girl and had the right presence and seemed to have good manners, at least in the beginning.

She dutifully took care of me on afternoon shift. Sometimes I was sure she didn't like doing it. The look on her face at times was more telling then what she said. The fact that she didn't hardly talk was a bit unsettling. I don't know that we ever talked about anything substantial.

I suppose I told her about my life. I never thought she thought I was special or wanted to spend extra time with me. I thought that was strange because many younger aides have enjoyed being around me. Then I thought to myself Tia is young, and different, and I'm probably not her cup of tea.

When she first started she wanted to do the care on the front hall here which, at that time, all the other aides complained about. I thought maybe she was was trying to impress her coworkers that she could put up with the aggravation from the the residents there.

But, it was not long after that that I started noticing some negative things. We have one paranoid double amputee resident on the front. Three days a week he got a shower on second shift. The aide who previously cared for him, and whom he depended on, left in early 2014. But that aide always did his shower at 3 PM on the dot. She usually worked 12 hour shifts and she accommodated him if she possibly could. Perhaps, she did not feel he was as awful as some of the aides do.

When Tia came to second shift, things changed. The paranoid double amputee frequently yelled because Tia was not ready to shower him at 3 PM, as he liked. I realized maybe she did not like caring for him. I think instead of complaining, she was a quiet dissenter. She made him wait which upset him. Then maybe, she would no longer have to do his shower. There are aides who do that occasionally.

After I saw that behavior out of her, I became more cautious. I was afraid that she would say things, or try to stir up trouble with me and then report it to the nurses or nurse manager. So I tried to be nice and get along.

I watched as Tia began to go to the nurse manager and tell on other aides. I even heard she was instrumental in getting one fired.

Tia moved to activities in the fall of 2015. She told me she has a bowel problem and working as an aide made it worse. I thought maybe the lifting or the stress had gotten to her. She felt activities would be better.

I'm sure at first she liked it. She worked with the activity director. Then the activity director picked up another job here and was not as readily available.

A second activity aide was hired in the fall of 2016. I thought maybe things would be easier for Tia and that she might be happier. But I did not really see that. Plus, I saw her work slacking. When I asked for "one-on-one" activity time with her, it was scheduled and then Tia did not show up. That meant I had to complain usually by email to the nurse manager.

I was always told it would be better. Gradually the new activity aide started doing more for me like shopping and sometimes "one-on-one" activities.

A couple of weeks ago Tia told me her bowel problem worsened and that she was in the hospital and off work for seven days. Then, she called off at the last minute on last Friday's company picnic. Since then, I have not seen her.

Although no one is really talking about it. Tia is no longer here. I always think it's sad when someone works at a place for three years and just vanishes never it is seen again.