Me and the Hoyer on Saturday

On Saturday morning my nurse said I could get up as long as I used the Hoyer for all transfers. I agreed because I wanted to get up.

They got me into the bathroom and I was able to use the toilet. That seemed like such a great victory and an improvement over Friday.

I got washed up in the bathroom sitting up. Then I shared that at Somerset (my previous nursing home) they put me up in the Hoyer to wash my peri area and my bottom. The aides thought I was being funny. Then, they realized it made a certain amount of sense. If I had long pants on, I have to be lowered onto the bed to get them pulled up. When they hoyered me to the bed, they realized how easy it would be to wash me before my pants were pulled up.

I made it down to breakfast in pretty good time.

In a way I hated going back to that "assisted feed" dining room. It just seems like it's such a shambles all the time. They have to talk in such a shrill manner to certain residents to get them to, pay attention, open their mouths, eat, etc. I don't think we've had this much noise of the dining room for a while. It was noisy when I first came. Then it kind of settled down. It has been bad and better over the years. But now I think it's difficult place to be. It's hard to sit in there without feeling that your heart is being torn out.

I ate as quickly as I could to get finished and leave. My aide had to feed me and another young woman who is almost unresponsive. She needs to be fed and she does not respond. When she does not respond, it's very hard for the aide feeding her to know whether she wants to eat or not.

My after breakfast routine went okay.

I was Hoyered on to the shower chair to use the bathroom after lunch.

But, when I got in bed later that afternoon, I decided I would forgo a bathroom break and use the bedpan after the Hoyer lowered me into bed. Using the Hoyer to put me on the toilet, and then into bed seemed like a lot of work to me. Although, holding urine is not good for my bladder.

The Hoyer means that aides have to help me. They have to do the hands-on work. They cannot "just ignore". And sometimes the nurses have to help now which wasn't happening too much before.

I think the nurses should always help if a resident needs to use the bathroom, or needs to be put in bed. That should be an always occurrence here.

Another day WITHOUT the Hoyer

Today I was not allowed to get up. Maybe that was planned, and maybe not. They were short because an aide called off. So, that may have caused some of my troubles..

The aides wanted me to have my bowel movement in the bed pan. It is difficult for me to relax to poop on the bedpan. But that's what they wanted me to do.

The aides said they would take me to the shower and do it on the shower bed in the men's shower room. That has never happened to me before, but I was told I had to follow "Hoyer routine".

I asked them to just wash me up and let my hair go – which they did. I thought I would see if I could get them to discontinue the Hoyer, or use it to put me in the shower chair for toileting and showering. But I knew I would not get to win that fight today. I gave up showering and hair washing to be able to get up – and that did not happen.

I was not allowed to use my laptop. They thought I was being suicidal. I told them that was silly. I was just frustrated because it's unbearably sad here and I was rebelling against feeling that way.

The aides left me in the bed on the bedpan and got the rest of the the residents to breakfast. Surprisingly, I was able to get my bowels to move. It took a while and it was difficult.. As a quadriplegic, I have a hard time getting my bowels to move. I get suppositories every day which help. But, getting up helps also, and that did not happen today.

I told them I would skip breakfast – and I did. I was frustrated, had a bellyache, and just did not want it.

I asked to use my laptop but I was told no. I guess I was too much of a bad girl this morning. So I could not use my Skype phone, email, or even read the news.

It was a long day during which I did not sleep. I just laid here and watched what wasn't happening on the ceiling.

On afternoon shift nurse was kind and I was able to get set up with my laptop. And tonight I ate a bit of supper.

Since afternoon shift had a different attitude, the day looks a bit more hopeful.

Confined to the Hoyer

It's been hard living in nursing homes for twenty-one years. I know I've lost strength and my muscles have tightened and shortened. At my first nursing home in the beginning I got therapy. Then the Restorative aides did stretching, exercising, balancing, and deep knee bends with me. But of course eventually that stopped. Restorative therapy changed and some of the aides didn't do much. They got us together in a group and we raised our legs and did what we could ourselves. I did as much as I could. It was not as bad as nothing but not that good either.

Sometimes at my first nursing home I would kind of boogie around when the aides assisted me to stand. I usually warned them. But, there were some aides who just wouldn't let me do it. I realize they didn't want to drop me. But I need to have a little joy too. For other aides it was fine and they would laugh or boogie with me. Life is too short not to have some time to have fun when some days things feel like drudgery. However, over time, because they were afraid I might fall, my boogieing ended.

The one bright spot was that for the 14 1/2 years I lived at my first nursing home I was able to get some of the aides to do a few range of motion exercises on many days. I guess it's a testament to my advocacy and to their caring.

When I moved to this nursing home, I never tried boogieing. This behavior facility is quite different. So many residents exhibit really "out there" behaviors that do not want me fooling around at their expense.

Still at times I'd bend and straighten my knees to loosen up, and sometimes to show frustration. Doing that was one thing that got me involuntarily discharged from my first nursing home. They felt I was trying to harm myself. I just wanted to move and show frustration, I never wanted to hurt myself or anyone else.

Here they have a hard time with me bending and straightening my knees. Even if I have a cramp, they will not let me. They want me to stand straight whenever they assist me to stand and transfer. Even If my feet accidentally end up 18 inches apart, I have to transfer in that awkward position

I know I should stop bending and straightening my knees. But my right knee and hip are stiff. My last occupational therapy evaluation says my right hip is fixed. Sometimes the aides have to push so hard on my right leg to bend it, that I get bruises. But, no therapy is done to assist me to be more limber. I am more supple after showers, (3 days a week), since warm water relaxes my muscles.

Yesterday after bending and straightening my knees I was told they have to use the Hoyer lift for all transfers. That is a very demoralizing thing to do to anyone. It's bad enough if it's a necessity. It's worse if it is used in the name of "safety" just to frighten me into compliance.

So I must deal with this Hoyer and wonder if I will be shipped to another nursing home involuntarily like I was to this one.

The latest… on the power chair

Today was the scheduled day for the vendor tech and whoever else, to visit and fix the things on my power chair that were determined to need it at the March 15 meeting. I know, I know that was five weeks ago. I, like you, wonder why it has taken so long.

No one knows how difficult it is to meet with people who are in charge of getting things for us nursing home residents. They think they are doing wonderful things – and maybe they are. But I don't quite see it that way. To me, I would want to make the resident feel better about themselves. But, neither the vendor tech nor the manufacturer tech has ever done that. I've always thought they just caved to negative PR and maybe pressure from nursing home management and elsewhere.

They were supposed to come at 11 AM. But, they showed up at 10:14 a.m. and wanted me out of the chair. Now, they could have communicated that. It would have made it a lot easier all the way around. Of course, I wanted to watch what they were doing and was not allowed to do that. They took the chair outside to make some of the adjustments.

I wished I would have had a family member or friend here with me. I should have had somebody call in. Then someone besides me would know what was happening. But, since we were not sitting in a meeting room talking and doing nothing, calling in did not make much sense. I was on my own, as they say.

They put new nonslip material on the foot rests. I don't know why I was expecting a great job, but I was. I was shocked when I saw that the grip they put on was uneven and raggedy on the edge. I asked the vendor tech if he could trim it better. He said, "It's hard to cut rubber". I wanted to tell him that I didn't really give a darn it was hard to cut it.. The chair cost over $14,000 and should look top-notch. To me it's on them if they made it look less than that.

I had to get in my manual chair. Doing that always makes me feel less than dynamic. But they needed me out of the chair. They moved the back of the seat forward 8°. I had requested 3° to 5° and said I thought 8° was too much. But the vendor tech told me that 8° was the increment. I wasn't believing that for second. This isn't the first power chair I have ever had.

Getting into the chair with the straighter back was a bit more difficult. It made me feel like I was going to fall out. I no longer flop in it like I have for ten months. They raised the foot rests one half inch. They told me they angled the front of each foot rests up a bit, but it doesn't look like it.  Unfortunately, my left foot can still move on that nonslip surface. I don't quite understand that. There is also a lot of play in the foot rests. The techs say it's allowable movement.

Now that the seatback is higher my left arm is farther forward. So, the joystick bracket needed to be adjusted. The joystick was moved farther from my hand, but they did not measure how much farther. It just kills me that they don't think like engineers. They are not concerned that they may have to move it back to the same spot.

They also fixed the Velcro that holds the removable arm pads on. It is now going down instead of up. So I hope it no longer sticks to my clothing during transfers.

To say I feel better about this is not exactly true. I gave up a lot of myself to get a few small things done to that chair which should have been done a long time ago. Why ever did they make me wait so long? How can they even rationalize that wait to themselves?

It isn't easier to run the joystick, for right now, it's more difficult. We have put the chair in speed 3 (slower) and I will use it that way for a while until I get used to the changes. For some reason I thought I would feel like I was sitting in a chariot that would do my bidding. Instead, I feel like an intimidated little girl.

I have no idea why things happened that way they did, But this is a fair postmortem of the occurrences this morning.

The newbie aide

I'll call him Christopher and he's not new. He's worked here for a few months in housekeeping. I know that seems like a strange fit, at least that's what I thought. But, this company hires men in housekeeping at some of their other facilities in this town. So, it must work out for them. Although, he is the first male housekeeper they've had here since I came.

He is very tall and twenty-four years old. I wondered what he could possibly know about housekeeping. But men are better at it these days then they were in the greatest generation. Particularly, if they have their own place and handle some cooking, laundry and keeping it clean. So I was curious about the whole process and wondered how he's cleaning.. Even though my father didn't usually help, when he did, he was every bit as intense about getting something thoroughly cleaned as my mother.

Christopher does not seem to be like that. He always acts like he's worn out. How can a twenty-four-year-old be so tired? It can't possibly be from the work. It may have something to do with eating junk food and staying up too late. Although, I shouldn't assume.

A month or so ago Christopher told me he was going to take the nurse aide class here. I asked him if he was sure and he said he was. I told him residents like housekeepers better than aides because housekeepers do not tell them what to do. But he said the company needed help here and elsewhere and he wanted to try it out.

He just finished the aide training class on Friday. He said he may have to wait as long as four months to take his STNA (state tested nursing assistant) license test. But, he hopes to take it sooner. I told him that before he takes it he needs to talk with experienced aides who can tell him what new aides usually mess up during testing.

He started yesterday by getting called in to sub for an aide who was sent home for being late. While having him to assist was better than having just two aides, he's not tho dynamo type. But, I never really thought he would be. He is kind and quiet. But he's new and I wonder how long that will last.

One of the aides was glad to have his help yesterday because he does not yet have an attitude. The aide he replaced has one in spades which we deal with all the time. It's amazing how attitude can change the day even when you don't want it to.

My expectations for Christopher are not high. But if he proves me wrong, it won't hurt my feelings.

Calming Holly

Holly has memory loss and complains of being in constant pain. Holly gets scheduled medicines every four hours or so. But, she seldom remembers taking them. Then the aides have to constantly answer her when she asks, over and over, when she will get her medicine. One nurse even leaves the empty medicine cup in front of Holly to help her remember. But, soon after, the fact that she took medicine becomes lost in her brain.

Today Holly was uncomfortable and had already taken her medicine. But, she asked incessantly all through lunch if she could have pain medicine. When she was told she had taken it, she said it did not work and she needed more. She is a former RN and knows that nurses can't just give her medicine anytime she wants it. But, I think part of her does not realize she lives in a nursing home. Some days she thinks she's at her nursing job. Other days, she thinks she's at a meeting. I'm sure the need for pain medicine is the reason why she asks for her purse frequently. She probably realizes that's where she kept her pain medicine. Holly shows that short-term memory loss is in no way fun.

Sometimes I think Holly is having psychological pain at the thought of living in a nursing home. I think every once in a while she realizes where she is and why she's here. Then she acts like she has been suddenly wounded. I think that's maybe when she asks for more pain medicine, two dull things down.

After lunch Holly made quite a bit of noise being walked back to her room. It was clear she was not happy with anything anybody did for her. After the aide left her in her room, Holly was whimpering.

I was waiting myself and went into Holly's to see if I could assist to calm her. She was crying really hard and biting on the privacy curtain. When she said she was cold, I reminded her there were blankets beside her. Eventually, she grabbed them and covered herself.

But she was still upset and crying. I told her to try to calm down so that the medicine could work. I reminded her that crying and yelling would cause an adrenaline rush that would make it more difficult for the medicine to do its job. I managed to talk her into doing some deep breathing. She did it reluctantly and insisted I do it with her. I reminded her she cannot have unlimited pain medicine. I told her only dying people and those on hospice can have it.

I sat there until she started to calm. Sometimes Holly just needs a diversion. I left her room once and returned when she started to cry again. I managed to settle her the second time.

It was a while before I got to go to the bathroom and get back at my desktop PC. I was pleased when I went into my room that Holly had quieted. I hope she settled down and took a nap.

A chaotic "assisted feed" dining room

The "assisted feed" dining room is not fun some days. Today everything seemed to be a bit topsy turvey. Icewater wasn't passed before hand and some residents wanted it. My water glasses were set on my table. The resident beside me at the table offered one of my glasses to another resident. An aide quickly grabbed my cup of water away. But, no resident should be given water when the other residents have nothing to drink. I will say something to the aides and nurses tomorrow.

For a while the activity aide fed a resident. Then only one aide was passing trays, was lamenting the fact that she was passing them all by herself. Her coworkers picked up on her protests and and asked the activity aide to help pass trays. Then, the complaining aide promptly disappeared. I guess the activity aide was being "paid back" for feeding a resident instead of doing the harder job of assisting to pass trays first.

Near the end of my meal, John a partially paralyzed, traumatically brain injured resident got impatient waiting to go back to his room. Since he doesn't care much for Holly at my table, he was flipping her off and calling her the B word. Holly has memory loss and couldn't understand why he'd be so rode. As John became more impatient, he managed to scoot his chair closer to Holly. Then, he tried to kick her.

Holly told John his behavior wasn't appropriate. When Holly said that it only intensified John's frustration. He grabbed Holly's walker, picked it up, and I think if he had not been stopped, he would have hit her. That startled her. She could not believe he would be violent. Holly scooted her chair closer to mine. Then, she told me she was leaving. I told her she was not allowed to walk unassisted. Nevertheless, she stood up to leave.

My aide advised her to sit down, which she did. John's shenanigans had everyone talking loudly and had my head spinning. John was taken out.

Meanwhile, I tried to finish quickly so I could leave the dining room, and get away from the confusion.

PVC shower chair casters rust problem

I have used PVC shower chairs since I moved to a nursing home in 1996. But that facility's shower chairs were too high, so they bought me a "lower to the ground" model, which I used for the next 12 years.

I brought it with me to this nursing home. But, I could never find the right replacement casters for it. The casters wear out because of rust, especially if they are not cleaned and coated to prevent it. When the metal parts of the casters rust, the shower chair becomes difficult to roll. If no maintenance it is done, the wheels will eventually fall off or stop rolling – making the chair unusable.

I bought myself a new shower chair, in a dark brown color. The back webbing is printed with tropical fern in "a not institutional" green and gray. The back webbing it is also braced so that it's more comfortable.

After a year that shower chair's casters began to rust. I bought a rust retardant spray at a big box store. Then a friend of mine cleaned the rusted metal parts with baking soda and water – and applied the retardant. After that the chair rolled really well for three months. Then, my friend clean the casters metal parts again with baking soda and reapplied the rust retardant.

Once that friend was no longer able to help me, the chair got no maintenance. It gets sprayed off (casters too) after my showers. But, rust is not removed from the metal parts, nor are they recoated with the rust retardant.

Two years ago the three-year-old casters were shot. The maintenance man put on the extra set I bought with it to make it usable again.

It's not quite two years later, and the chair is again hard to roll. Two or three months ago an aide ook the shower chair apart, laundered the seat back webbing, and dumped out the stagnant water in the PVC pipe. It smelled better and for a while it rolled better. But not for long.

I told the maintenance man how it had been previously cleaned and that rust retardant had been applied.. He now says there is no way he can lubricate it to make it roll better. But I wonder about that.

Perhaps, if I ask, Mike (my friend) will visit and he can clean them and apply rust retardant which has improved it in the past. If that does not work, it will definitely need four new casters.

A little chicken broth not allowed

Yesterday our lunch was a shredded chicken sandwich with the choice of either chicken noodle soup or a salad, dessert was a cookie. I told my aide I wanted the shredded chicken sandwich with a salad. I decided to forgo the chicken noodle soup which has sparse noodles. Usually, my aide adds crackers or bread to the soup to make it easier to feed it to me. Another aide made the comment that we should have been able to have the sandwich, salad, and soup. I agreed but I understand how the dietary department and management might not feel the same.

I have had laryngitis for a week. And though it is improving, my throat is still bothering me and it clogs and I am constantly clearing it. On the way down to lunch, I asked my aide to inquire if after everyone was served whether I could have a half a cup of just the broth from the soup which would help to clear my throat. She said she'd ask.

I got to the dining room and was sitting there waiting for my tray. When K an activity aide brought it, it contained a shredded chicken sandwich on bun, and a bowl of chicken broth. I said to her, "What is this?" She told me I could not have the shredded chicken sandwich with soup and a salad. I said there was nothing in the soup – it was just broth. She said I would have to give up the broth to get the salad.

I asked my aide to ask my nurse if I could have the salad and drink the broth for my throat. I saw my aide standing in the doorway talking to my nurse and the nurse manager. As she talked, I could tell it was not going well. My aide came back and said it did not matter that I wanted chicken broth four my laryngitis.. She said I had to choose between soup or salad.

Reluctantly, I told the activity aide to take the broth back and please bring me the salad. I also asked if I could have lemon or orange Kool-Aid (sugar-free) to go with my meal. I hoped the citrus in it might loosen the congestion in my throat.

Later, I told my nurse it didn't make sense to throw away chicken broth so I did not break the lunch rules. She said she understood how I felt because it did not make sense to her either.

Talks with people I cannot see

When I was told Ruby (pseudonym) was moving in on Monday, I wasn't thrilled. I have not had a roommate since September 2014 and I was not looking forward to it. Besides, Ruby is new. She has only been here for about a month and I know almost nothing about her. Of course, we cannot really ask questions about residents when they arrive. But, we can watch their behavior and try to figure out why they're here.

Ruby has been a puzzle. She does not talk. There have not really been that many outbursts. I think one of the other female residents got into it with Ruby one day which resulted in a disagreement. I think one or both of them lost a smoke break because of it. But I have not observed Ruby hitting anyone or causing trouble. But that does not mean it has not happened.

Ruby is taller than I am and she is ambulatory. She could do most things for herself. Although, I do not think she could do her own personal hygiene that well. But she probably does not want anyone else assisting her with it.

Ruby talks to people that seem to be around her, though I cannot see them. She talks to two children and another adult. I don't know if it's the father figure, significant other, or the children's baby daddy. But I do know she can get quite loud chatting with this group of three. Ruby sounds animated when she's talking, but there's a dead look in her eyes. The features on her face do not change. When she laughs, the laugh is hearty. But, there is no joy in her face. Her face is impenetrable almost like a theatrical mask.

Yesterday before lunch Ruby was talking so loudly and shouting occasionally which caused words to pop up on my screen as I was dictating my writing. I asked Ruby if maybe she could tone down her conversation. I was not mean or condescending, but I had to ask. Ruby thought I was telling her to shut up – when I said words were going on my screen. She may not understand how my computer works, or she may have no empathy that her talking could be causing me problems.

When you come to this facility for people with cognitive behaviors, you get no manual telling you how to deal with other residents with particular mental problems. So, I was forced to use my "fly by the seat of your pants" straightforward, counselor type reaction which I polished through repeated uses. Based on my dealings with previous roommates who occasionally spoke with others I could not see, my approach worked sometimes and sometimes failed miserably.

I don't know if anyone knows how to treat schizophrenics or how to deal with the voices that are inside or outside their heads. It must be very strange to think people are talking to you. It must be similar to the dream state when you feel like things are happening to you. In those dreams sometimes others talk to me. Sometimes they say truths, sometimes lies, and sometimes what they say makes no sense.

Ruby has been out of the room a lot today. I wonder if the folks she talks to her are any quieter out there.

Suddenly, different, but not better food

Maybe it was the winter to spring menu change. Or, maybe it's a new spring menu and not what we ate last year. Or maybe, they just juggled the existing meals from noon time to supper. Whatever the cause, whether it's the menu, the food, or those who prepare and cook it, something has caused our meals to be really bad lately.

They are not awful every day. But the quality has definitely gone downhill. We're having a lot of sandwiches and soup for lunch which is not my favorite. Sandwiches are also not a dieters friend.

We have a lot of pork. On Easter we had ham for breakfast, ham for lunch, and him again for dinner.

It seems like every other day there is pork or ham on the menu. We are supposed to be offered a substitute for each meal. But in the last month or so, peanut butter and jelly was a substitute for at least two meals.

We do have a new dietitian who started last fall. She is young and I don't know if she could be the cause of some of the changes. She may be trying to get us away from the foods we're used to eating. We also have one male resident who likes soups and sandwiches better than other types of meals. So maybe the dietitian is trying to please him for a little while. But I think soup and a sandwich woodwork, all the time, as a substitute for either lunch or dinner.

Perhaps we need to have a little meeting of the minds to see if the dietitian would consider changing anything. After all, we do not have a food committee here. But many times in the last two or three years, I thought we needed one.

I'm about the only one who does not order food out once a week like the other residents. I might do it once a month, but that's it.

I don't think we resident's should be expected to supplement the diet here with junk food we buy ourselves. But that certainly looks like what is happening.

Perhaps we need to have Nationality Food Days. Then they could pick some different Chinese, Italian, or Mexican food and it was a chance to eat something different.

I'm sure cooking for us is a thankless job. But, those who purchase and prepare it need to realize we residents would like to have input about the foods which are added to the menu.

Benadryl backlash

During a stressful January (my most unfavorite month), began taking Benadryl before sleep. At first it worked masterfully, and I slept like a top all night.

But I noticed with each succeeding day, it was a bit less effective. I wondered how long it would take before it no longer eased me into dreamland.

The Benadryl also served another purpose, while I was using it, my nose did not run, nor did I have sinus headaches. So I thought taking Benadryl might be win, win, win.

Every night my nurse asked me if I wanted Benadryl, and I said I did.

About a month after I started taking the nightly Benadryl, my teeth sensitivity got worse. I wondered why and thought maybe I had a small sinus infection which my dentist always said caused teeth to hurt. But, when it did not go away, I thought maybe I had a real tooth problem.

I went to see the dentist the first day of March. He took an x-ray and asked me what was up with my teeth. I explained I thought it might be just sensitivity problems. Since the dentist did not say I had a new cavity or needed a root canal, he applied fluoride varnish and I left. He sent along a prescription for desensitizing fluoride gel, which I've used since.

When I was weight in March, the scales said my weight was up 10 pounds. That's a bit weird for me since I have not even gained five pounds in years. I watch my calorie intake and do not deviate very often. I wondered if the scales were off – and needed new batteries. Nevertheless, I wondered if Benadryl was causing fluid retention and – weight gain. I decided to forgo getting weighed the beginning of April.

I cut back on my calories thinking I might be eating more than I thought. Then, I could not get to sleep. I wondered if the insomnia was coming from my emptier than usual stomach. Or, was Benadryl no longer worked as well?

Thinking about stopping Benadryl, made me anxious. I realized that was a sign of psychological addiction. Two years ago my doctor said antihistamines should be taken for two weeks because the body works overtime trying to replenish the moisture antihistamines dry up.

Many tooth sensitivity articles online blamed it on lack of saliva. My mouth was definitely dryer since I started Benadryl. Maybe that's why my sensitivity was worse.

Four days into April I stopped Benadryl. I was surprised the first night because I slept just fine. Three nights later I was still sleeping. Then a nurse accidentally gave me Benadryl, and that night I was out like a light.

A week later I got laryngitis, and still have it. I deduced that my laryngitis might have been caused by two months of Benadryl nightly.

The laryngitis is clearing and soon Benadryl should be completely out of my system.

A crazy Easter at the nursing home 2017

Ever since I moved to a nursing home twenty-one years ago, that's where I spent most holidays. At my first nursing home holidays were usually quiet. Some of the active residents went out with family or friends. The sicker, slower ones, and those with dementia, stayed in and were in bed. They were kind of out of sight and were not all that disruptive. But when those with dementia had to be admonished for their fuzzy reasoning, there could be loud outbursts.

My present nursing home is for residents with cognitive difficulties. Some have traumatic brain injuries, "off the charts" diabetes, neurological problems, amputated toes or limbs, and then those with mental problems like schizophrenia. Though many are able to get around holidays are rough. I saw them standing to use the phone after breakfast. But since a female resident was having an outburst in the TV room, they were asked to wait. The situation in the TV room went on for twenty minutes and everything else stopped.

There were only three aides, and a few residents needed: toothpaste, mouthwash, towels and wash cloths, and soap to take a shower. But, until that female resident either settled down or was sent out to the ER, the others had to wait. A few residents paced the halls, and were asked to go sit in the dining room until the TV room crisis was over.

Meanwhile, I waited to go to the bathroom. No aides were available because all the nurses and aides were trying to quiet the situation. Then they waited for the squad so the female resident could be transported to the ER.

Afterwards, resident behavior was all over the place. Before lunch a resident, who's not to walk unassisted, was walking in the dining room. An aide constantly told her to sit down. The ever busy walker is a former RN who usually just wants to help out. Nevertheless, she and the aide had a back-and-forth during the whole meal.

I went to get my meds and couldn't find the nurse. On the hallway I saw the squad guys were here to pick up that same female resident and take her back to the ER. When I checked back later, I discovered the squad guys were NOT taking her. Maybe they assisted the nurses to give her an injection to calm her. But whatever it was, she stayed here.

By that time the residents were calming down. Smoke time was approaching and the smokers wanted to make sure they did not lose their smoke break.

For me, this Easter holiday has been and noisy and exhausting. I've had laryngitis for several days and my achy throat and hesitant voice have me worn out.

I hope the residents who wanted to go there families, or friends eventually got to. I also hope they got to talk with a person, instead of just the answering machine.

Dragon acting up

For the last two days Windows 10 on my laptop has wanted to update. But, since I was busy doing other things, I did not let it.

Last night in order to get off the laptop without it updating automatically, my aide unplugged it. I could almost hear the little Windows 10 update thingy saying, "Curses, foiled again!"

So today when we plugged in and turned on it went right into updating. Updating prevented me from being able to see whether Dragon would load, and that's something I like to know before my aide leaves.

Since I don't wear a watch and I could not see a clock, I had my watch put in front of me so I could time the updating.

It ended up taking about 15 minutes.

Then I logged myself in and opened up Dragon. Then, it would not load my user profile. I clicked it again and I got an error message. Then I got it the second time. It was weird because the Dragon toolbar reverted to the new, modern, black expanding and contracting version which I changed back to "classic". I was flummoxed. What the heck was going on?

Windows 10 let me know that my antivirus software was not enabled. So I opened it up to fix that. Then all of a sudden it enabled itself.

I reopened Dragon and started over by creating a new user profile. I typed in the file's name, went through all the steps, at this time a new voice file was created.

I think my laptop just needed a shut down and restart. But that could not happen..

Invariably, when I have one of these problems with my laptop or its software it occurs while they are getting residents ready for supper. It's the busiest time in the afternoon, especially if they are short staffed – like today. There is no time for an aide to help me with my laptop problems. Crisis management (short staffing management) delegates I have to either fix the software problem myself, or do something else for the next two hours until supper is over.

It makes me wish there was more help. But as long as my laptop is operating I can read which does not require searching. But, if Dragon is not operating it is almost impossible for me to write. I always keep several book PDFs available for these situations. But, checking out Netflix and YouTube would be difficult since I would have to use the touchpad click/type into the search bar. That's a slow and difficult thing for me.

It's also a holiday weekend. And on this Easter weekend, day shift was shortstaffed with just two aides. To me that is a bad situation any weekend, let alone on Easter.

The experiment

Today an afternoon shift aide was scheduled to do my shower routine. She's only ever given me a shower once. K's a nice girl and I like her. But fast she isn't. Speed is something that's usually necessary on dayshift. An aide needs to be good, thorough, and finish quickly. That's difficult for most aides every day. But it's amazing that some aides excel at it.

The one good thing about K is that she doesn't get upset very easily. So she is not steel to my flint. I do not have to worry that she and I will start an explosion together. Maybe she's just extra cautious and probably knows of my somewhat volatile nature. I knew she was sent to dayshift for a reason. She's probably checking it out. In order to know what happens, an aide has to work it. A nursing director walking through to see what's going on, is not quite the same.

Others, like therapy, or the nurses might know how things work. But, it is necessary to get up close and personal with residents to REALLY know.

K said she would be in early. I told her that was helpful. I also said if the other aides did not assist her, I would not be able to get up any earlier. She gave me a puzzled look. I told her, "You'll see in the morning".

It was after 7 AM, by my clock, and my call light was on. K came walking in and asked me where everybody (the aides) was. I told her the aides were elsewhere because they were not in my room like they were supposed to be.

So she went looking and I waited. Pretty soon she came with two other aides and they got me out of bed.

It sort of went this way all day long.

K had to take me to the shower room, do my shower, bring me back, make my bed, and do all the other stuff the dayshift aides do on my shower days. Today we only had three aides. If there had been a fourth possibly that aide could have assisted and coached a little. K can do everything. But, getting used to the flow can be difficult.

In the dining room I could not believe that she was not "all eyes, everywhere" like I am. She seemed oblivious and kept looking at me. I reminded her she needed to check out other residents and pick up things from dietary that were forgotten on the meal trays. I understand that anticipating what others want is difficult. But, if you realize what people forget, and MOST people forget these things, you have something going for you.

K was kind of playing catch-up all day. I bet at the end of the day she felt it. Her demeanor doesn't really allow for others to get aggravated with her. She is not a type A. She does not speak sharply. She speaks quietly and intensely. There is a difference and people can tell. She's got the second shift mindset. It's as if that shift goes at a slightly slower speed.

I suppose not being quite so hyper can have its advantages. She may even see things and observe things that I don't.

But, even though I like K, I would not want to be a type B.

Sent for a psych eval

Tuesday after breakfast did not go well. While standing to transfer, one of the aides made a comment that upset me. Then I bent and straightened my knees several times (which I should not have done) to show my displeasure. An aide grabbed my waist and sat me on the floor. I told them I was okay and I thought they'd get me up. Instead,  the same aide pulled me onto my back. I had no idea they had decided on this action with me.

I have been sent to ERs for a psych evals maybe 10 times in the 21 years I've lived in nursing homes. I'm usually sent when the nursing director or management feels I'm not complying enough or if, in their view, I am out of control. Sometimes at the ER a psychiatrist or social worker evaluates me..

But after I got to the ER, the doctor did not think I had had a "psychotic break".

I was not crying or screaming. I was just shocked and surprised by what happened.

I told them I did not feel well and felt I should be checked out medically. I also said I felt I might be getting the wrong meds occasionally, but not maliciously.

The paramedics checked my blood sugar level in the squad. It was 120 and they thought it was a bit elevated. But, since it was two hours after breakfast, I was not concerned.

Later, they drew blood, and took urine. My pulse oxygen and vitals were okay. But my temperature was elevated a degree and a half.

I laid there and waited for the test results. Usually at the ER they offer me TV, but this time they didn't.

I laid there and watched the pulse ox reading on the monitor above me. I held my breath and saw it fall. I breathed in deeply several times and saw it rise. It was interesting to see that, even when I did not change my breathing, my pulse ox rose and fell by two points several times.

I ended up seeing a social worker and told her what happened. I explained that weeks long short staffing had caused me and the aides to be stressed. I also said the Department of Health is do any time for the annual survey which always causes the staff anxiety.

I I got there a little after 11 AM and got back around 3:50 pm. At least, the ER got me started with the first dose of the antibiotic for a UTI.

As soon as I got back, I developed symptoms of bronchitis.  My vocal cords swelled and my voice gradually disappeared.

Now I feel worse than before I left. But maybe the UTI was causing me to feel less than myself which led to me being easily frustrated.

Out alone in my power chair

More than 21 years ago when I lived on my own in a condo with caregivers, I sometimes felt I was never, ever alone. My sister suggested that I go out in my power chair in my immediate condo area alone and have my caregiver check up on me 15 minutes later. I was a little leery of being all alone, but because of the freedom I would feel, I decided to take a chance.

One day, I told my caregiver, Anne I was going to take my dog Gucci for a walk around the condos, and it showed her which way I was going. I headed toward the creek which is far from the road. My dog was not tied because I could not attach her comfortably to my power chair. Things went well until Gucci dashed away and headed towards the creek. She went on the creek side of a townhouse, and I didn't know what was on that side.

As I went around the side, I noticed that the soil had eroded and there was a sheer drop off to the creek. I somehow felt that the original developers had not made allowances for that much erosion. So, I was minding my P's and Q's. As I pushed on my joystick I felt some resistance on my right rear wheel. There was a sudden jolt which dislodged my left hand pushing the joystick. As I pushed forward on it, my power chair spun to the right. All of a sudden, I was at a dead stop facing toward the creek. Downhill about two feet was a new tree that was too narrow to have stopped me if my chair had started drifting that way.

It was a beautiful, sunny, 70° Sunday. . I was afraid to try to back up or turn because if I did it wrong, or my hand slipped, I could end up rolling down the hill frontwards or the chair could angle sideways and tumble down the ravine.

I don't think I've ever been quite so scared in my life. I realized I was about 100 yards from my home and no one knew I was in trouble. I sat there and wondered if I could yell loud enough for anyone to hear me. I was trying to remember all my Girl Scout training. I decided to call for help in a steady voice without screaming. I certainly did not want to frighten anyone away from helping me.

I can't remember if I prayed, but I probably did. I kept my eyes on the creek and called for Gucci every now and then. I could hear her collar name and license tags jingling jingling, and new she was close.

I don't know how long I sat there. But it had to be more than 15 minutes. I wondered if Anne had looked for me and found me out of sight. Then, I wondered what she'd do if she could not see me. I was feeling pretty helpless when, I heard voices. There was a mother and her adult son together down by the creek. The sun appeared to be intellectually challenged. I yelled for help louder, and they heard me.

When they got to me, I started to tell them what happened. My mouth was so dry from fear, I could hardly speak. I told them that I accidentally hit a rut and the jog caused me to turn and be heading in the wrong direction. I explained to her how her son could assist me to make sure I did not accidentally cause the chair to flip. He very carefully held onto the chair while I backed up slowly. I told him to hold tighter when I turned. As soon as I was far enough away from the ravine, I told him he could let go. I explained how grateful I was that they had come along and assisted me out of my predicament.

When I did get back to my condo, with Gucci trailing behind, Anne was just walking out through the garage. She had fallen asleep and wondered where I was. She was surprised when I told her what happened.

Bedtime PRN mishap

Last night my nurse accidentally gave me a PRN Benadryl at bedtime. He had not had my hall for over a week, and the last time he did, I was taking Benadryl. Nevertheless, he should have asked, and didn't. I already had the pill swallowed and it was too late.

I wondered if the nurses and aides wanted to make sure that I would sleep through most of the night, and thought Benadryl would make sure that happened. I had taken it since January 9 because of difficulty sleeping. I stopped it Tuesday, April 4, 2017 because I felt like it was drying my nasal passages and sinuses up way too much. I also felt it was causing increased appetite and causing fluid retention.

I even discussed all of this with the doctor last Wednesday. He told me it's not a good idea to take antihistamines for any longer than a couple of weeks. He said it would be best to stop Benadryl. Maybe I should've had him write that down somewhere, so the nurses could read it.

Sometimes I feel like I have to write the PRNs I want at bedtime on my forehead, to avoid mistakes. Maybe there is some type of writing instrument that I could use to write a note on my forehead without making a huge mess. I suppose I could use lipstick. Although, it would not be that easy to get off without cold cream.

I wonder how funny that would look to a nurse if "no Benadryl" was written on my forehead. Or, if the aides gels listed the PRNs I want. Maybe I should start putting them on a large piece of paper behind my bed. But, somehow, living in long term care should not be that difficult.

I know it's my fault that it happened. I was engrossed in my hometown book and felt interrupted when the nurse came in. Although, I did make a big deal about seeing him, because he'd not given me meds in over a week. I told him I thought he'd been on vacation. But, he said he'd been here all the time, just working on a different hall.

I need to stop and tell the nurse what I want. Since my door is closed, I no longer see their medicine cart which reminds me that I need to ask for specific PRNs.

I wish all the nurses asked me every time what PRNs I want. Some nurses do it, and it's such a comfort. It makes me feel they're paying attention. If they ask, I know they're not just assuming I want the same PRNs I got the night before. I appreciate being asked.

Amazon.com – please make it easier

As I said last night, I thought I had removed some roadblocks from the Amazon system that would allow me to more easily use their Cloud Reader. Unfortunately, I was stymied in the attempt.

Even after my two chat sessions the previous day, I could not click on the link and go directly to Cloud Reader without logging in first. That was a pain. I found it easier to login to Amazon.com than to Cloud Reader. But I could not access my content directly logging in to just Amazon.com.

I had already tried to download my Kindle edition to Kindle for PC and couldn't. So I went to Microsoft Community Forum and posted a question about the Kindle for PC app and how to get it to play nicely with my Windows 10 upgraded laptop. But of course, the answer was not instant.

That's when I went back to chat at Amazon.com. I ended up in a lengthy session with a customer service rep. He kept telling me how easy it was to login. I told him it was not because I had to type an alphanumeric code into a box below my password. He told me I should not have to do that. I told him I did have to or I could not login to Amazon. He said that didn't make sense. I told him he was right, it didn't make sense. He didn't seem to know if it was a system problem or a Windows 10 problem. In fact, I do not even know if he knew what questions to ask.

I thought that I could click on the link to Cloud Reader in a chat session and be able to go there and read. Then, I realized if I was not able to chat without logging in to Amazon.com, I would have to log into either Amazon.com or Cloud Reader to access my content.

I did register a complaint with the customer service rep in said I thought Amazon.com could be a bit more disability user-friendly. I knew I was being timed out trying to login – doing it myself. I could not do it fast enough by voice, or click on the on-screen keyboard quickly enough. I knew if I persisted, I would eventually be able to login. But the whole process is very nerve-racking.

Even though Amazon's customer service rep does not believe I have to login every time I go to Amazon, I do. A few years ago I did not have to, but I do now. Recently, because of login difficulties I had to change my password to see if that would help me login, and it did. I do not like doing that. However I certainly can. But I did not want to do it last night. I was determined to use the password I already have. As it is, I have changed it twice in the last few days.

Almost at the end of my chat session, the customer service rep asked me to bookmark the Cloud Reader. Then, he told me I could just click on it and read away. But I just tried that earlier and it does not work, I needed to login first. I had one of the aides log me into Cloud Reader, even though she was timed out the first time. So I have that window open for when I finish this post, to resume reading. As I said, the only other way is logging into Amazon.com and clicking on the Cloud Reader bookmark which took me to my content last night.

Microsoft Support Community did get back to me about the Kindle for PC app. I was told to run the troubleshooter on the app and it should straighten out. Since I already found a reading solution, I have not yet tried that.

I need to see if Amazon still has a Community Support Forum. I looked earlier today and could not find it. I know I was on it several months ago. I think that would be the appropriate place to suggest that Amazon put disability instructions on their website, so customers can get direct assistance.

Amazon Kindle E-Book Problem

Though I've never had a Kindle, I thought they were cool. But, since I'm disabled, and not good with my hands, I did not think I could operate it. I did love that there was an app that will allow me to read Kindle books on a PC. I knew I could do that.

When I first got this laptop I envisioned myself reading more utilizing it. A year or so later, I purchased my first Kindle edition and downloaded it to Kindle for PC. I'll admit I did it just to prove to myself that I could. I actually found a relevant book for $2.99 which allowed me to experience it. I easily downloaded it to Kindle for PC.

Last year my sister and I decided we would do Family Sharing on Amazon. Then I could read the Kindle e-books she purchases. My sister linked us together, entered by device, and I prepared to share her content. But, when I tried to login to Amazon on my laptop, it failed – time after time. But my laptop would not let me login is Windows seven.

But I could get on Amazon easily on my desktop. It was strange it easier on my desktop with Windows 7, and more difficult on my Windows 10 laptop. I just thought it was a Windows 10 problem. I never did figure it out. I googled it and discovered that many Family Share users were not able to share e-books and other content, as they wanted. I checked out Amazon and it certainly looked like it would work. But I just gave up on it.

Then the book about my hometown came out in February. And, as I wrote in a previous post, since I was unable to get a gratis copy, or PDF of it from the publisher. My sister started the book and urged me to charge a Kindle edition. I purchased it the other night and read to page 42. I know several people who grew up there who have read it. That would give us something to talk about. Even though my sister was late to the book reading party, she's almost finished.

Last night I tried to access my Kindle edition on Amazon, and could not. For 90 minutes I tried everything I could think of to login. One of my aides even tried typing in the code, and that didn't work either.

So I went to Amazon logged in (after changing my password twice) and went to chat. I explained my problem. I said accessing their website and Kindle e-books is not very user-friendly for a disabled person who cannot type rapidly. I said I used speech recognition software and cut and paste to login.

At my second chat, I said I wanted a direct link to their Cloud. They sent the link to to the Cloud Reader in the chat session. Unfortunately, I failed to check the box to email the chat session, and had no way to save it. Using the link, I discovered several Kindle editions my sister loaded onto Family Share a year ago. They were there for me to read, and I was not able to login.

But, I wanted to use Kindle for PC as I had two years ago. I downloaded it,  but could not register it. I downloaded it two more times and deleted it twice. I was never able to to register it.

On my desktop this morning, I went to Amazon chat, explained my problem, and asked if I can access the Cloud Reader through a link. When they said I could, I asked them to send it to me. I clicked on it and it took me there. This time I had selected the box to email me a copy of the chat session. It was great to see my Kindle content on Family Share. Then, the chat session email arrived.

After I finish this, I'm hoping I get to resume reading my hometown book.

Too much sadness

Some days living in a nursing home is just too much. There are too many noisy residents, sick residents, confused residents, loud music listening residents, and hospice residents. Nursing homes are a microcosm of society. Although there is little diversity here, except for a few blacks. The population is diverse because of the age range. We have residents in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. Not many other nursing homes have that array of ages. This nursing home is the first time I have experienced it.

Maybe that's why some days it grabs at my heart. I see residents able to walk around but who cannot care for themselves properly or live out on their own. Some have alcohol problems, drug problems, mental and emotional problems. I just wonder if some of them have ever lived on their own. All of them say they hate this place and yet it's the only place they have. Some of them have family visit and some never seem to have a visitor. It gives me unbelievable sadness.

The staff tries to help. In many ways they're victims here also. They need a job and it is less awful here than some other places. They're not taking constant care of bedridden residents who just have to be turned and changed. There are some residents like that, but not many. Those who live here are somewhat involved with the rest of the population at least on most days.

Sometimes the nurses and aides get to enjoy the victories the residents celebrate. But they also see the things that go bad, the surgeries, the illnesses, the family problems, and then they see the residents die one by one over time.

I see why on Fridays staff wants to run after getting off work. I understand why some of them want to drink to escape and try to feel lighter after being in this place all day.

I don't even know if more staff would remove the sadness. These people are so stuck. We are all on this voyage we call life together – residents and staff. Even though the staff are gone from here for several hours. Some tell me they hear call lights in their sleep and many dream about residents.

On days like today, there is no way for me to get away. Drinking isn't an option either. But I know that escapism doesn't work. I can watch a movie for a couple of hours and be gone into somebody else's life and problems. I'm usually so grateful that it's not my life or my problems. But then, I come back to what's going on in my life.

Right now I'm in my room alone writing. In a bit I'll be reading. Reading is escapism of a sort and because it is I am addicted to it. It is my only way out.

Reading a book about my hometown

Last night I started reading a book about my hometown. I came from a fairly quaint, 100,000 resident, mostly bedroom community; at least when I left that southeastern Ohio town. Strangely enough, I read an article about the book coming out and was surprised. I never thought that cute little town that was so clean when I grew up would ever be written about in a book. But apparently I was wrong. The economy of the town has gone south in the last few years, and the author is trying to diagnose why that happened.

It seems weird to read a book about a town that I have not been in since 2010. I kind of live too far away now. I guess I could still go for a visit. But it would be a long day trip (back-and-forth) and tiring.

Anyway I'm about to get this author's perspective of the town where he also grew up years later than me. It will be interesting to see what he writes.

I hate to say that I know the book will be somewhat negative. I don't know that he can write a positive book about the negative things that happened there. He's also going to place blame on the people he thinks are responsible for changing a major industry there...

I had to end up buying the book. But, only after I tried to get a copy from the author. Actually, I wanted a free PDF or Kindle edition so I could read it on my laptop. I contacted the author through Twitter, and he told me to contact the publisher. When the publisher rep asked me what publication I was writing review for, I told her I was not writing it for a publication. For some reason I did not think that would be a prerequisite. I even emailed the publisher again to say I would review it on Amazon or GoodReads, but she did not answer and I got no gratis copy.

My sister told me yesterday to just give up and buy it. She said everyone who grew up there is reading the book.

Last night, I started reading it after I bought it from Amazon. Then, my credit information did not jibe and it stopped downloading. I was chagrined. I tried to fix it and could not.

Thank goodness it was my bedtime and I had to give up anyway.

Today I was able to get my credit information correct and the transaction went through. Since I straightened up my account on my desktop, I am hoping I can download and read the book on my laptop.

Since I am a verified purchaser of the Kindle edition, once I finish the book, I plan to post a review on Amazon.

Tooth sensitivity

Long before I moved to a nursing home my dentist of many years told me that if I went to a nursing home, my teeth would rot out of my head. I could not believe it. But he assured me that is what happens. When I moved to a nursing home 21 years ago, I wanted to take care of my good teeth. My first cavity was filled at 38.

My teeth have deteriorated some. But that can be blamed on radiation therapy for breast cancer when I was 42. I had my second incidence of breast cancer in 2007 (at 59) and was on Arimidex (chemo) for almost 2 years. I know chemotherapy and radiation have weakened my teeth.

I fractured a tooth in 2008 and it had to be filled and crowned because to repair a broken corner. In 2009 (at 60) I had my third incidence of breast cancer. I had surgery, chemo and 31 radiation treatments. A year after I finished them, an upper, right bicuspid fractured and a root canal was done – my first. Surprisingly that went well. The tooth does not bother me at all.

I was on Faslodex injections (chemo) for breast cancer from 2010 until 2015. In 2014 two cavities were filled the upper left side. I thought those teeth were sensitive from receding gums. But the cavities must've been the corporate. However, after those teeth were filled, they have bothered me a great deal.

Usually when my teeth are sensitive, I use fluoride varnish. Years ago my first Medicaid dentist, gave it to me after he had bonded the front of a couple sensitive teeth. Then, the aides at the nursing home applied it and it lasted from 3 to 6 months.

After that I purchased fluoride varnish on the Internet. The aides applied it to my teeth every 3 to 6 months. All they did was brush my teeth, I'd rinse well, and they would apply the fluoride varnish with the small brush that comes in the packet. It's kind of sticky but it tastes good. If it's applied, right before sleep it sets up well. It may have prevented additional cavities when I was on chemo and radiation. Fluoride varnish greatly helped my tooth sensitivity.

After I moved to this nursing home in 2010, I continued to buy and use fluoride varnish. But my dentist here has not ever recommended fluoride varnish for home use. He usually applies it in the office.

A month ago I saw the dentist for sensitivity in the upper left side of my mouth. He took an x-ray, tapped on my teeth with a metal pick, and when I did not jump; I guess he did not know what to think. He ended up applying fluoride varnish and sending me on my way. He said to call back in two weeks.

I did ask him if he would write a prescription for 5% fluoride varnish so the aides or nurses could apply the varnish I have. But he didn't. Instead, he prescribed a 1.1% fluoride gel to put on my teeth at bedtime, after brushing.

I still wanted to fluoride varnish prescription. Calling his office did not get me very far. So I faxed him a letter a day after my office visit. I've heard nothing since.

But, the tooth sensitivity is staying around. I realize it could be a virus. If it does not go away, I will have to get it checked out.

Happenstance caused it

My sister Janice doesn't visit very often, but she's visiting tomorrow. She lives in Florida and gets here maybe every two months, or less. It's unfortunate that I see her so infrequently that her visits take on the air of a head of a foreign government visiting the United States. Her visits definitely seem like affairs of state.

There isn't much getting ready involved. I make sure I have conservative chic down. For me that's a pair of my best pants, including jeans; and a colorful top that does not make me look like more like a potbellied pig than I do any other day. With the right color top my face might not look so much like the barroom pallor I have because I seldom get outdoors.

I made sure I've worn only my older clothing. Isn't that just so silly? But it's springtime in Northeastern Ohio and I cannot be sure what the daytime temperature will be. The high is supposed to be 58°. But, like I said, it's Ohio, nobody knows for sure, not even the weatherman. I will be ready for anything. Except I will not have corduroy pants to wear. They were put away last week.

I didn't tell very many staff here that Janice was visiting. Sometimes I just don't tell. After all, it is my business and nobody else's. That way if something happened, and Janice had to cancel, the staff would not feel they had to make me feel better by saying something. It is interesting if my sister's visit is a surprise. However, with the way things are here, its difficult to surprise staff.

I am glad the weather will not be 30 and snowing. It may actually be halfway decent and dry. I will enjoy getting out, going somewhere else, eating out, breathing the fresh air, and talking to a semi-sane adult over the age of 60. I can remember times when I did not see anyone over that age very often. It wasn't while I was growing up; back then, there were older neighbors living around us.

I miss good conversation. The staff are too busy. None of the residents are much into news, current events, or reading as a pastime. There are a couple you might be interested, but not many.

After I printed my shopping list and coupons for an anticipated shopping trip, and lunch out, one of the aides said I have appointment tomorrow for a mammogram at 2 PM. I told her mammograms are too difficult for me because of quadriplegia, and that I get an ultrasound. I said because Janice is visiting tomorrow, I would like it rescheduled.

Two hours later, I told my nurse I'd like it rescheduled. My sister visits so infrequently that I do not feel she should have to take me to an appointment that could take two hours. I don't want to visit with her and trying to talk about private things in a clinic waiting room.

It was happenstance, the serendipity factor, or maybe Murphy's Law that caused the ultrasound to be coincidentally scheduled the same day of Janice's visit.

Opal slipping away

I will call this female resident Opal. Her skin is that color, very white and very pale. When she came here a couple of months ago, it looked like she had a full head of hair. One of our aides gave her a shower and was combing her hair. She also cut her fingernails which must've been overly long.

The next day Opal just sat without hardly moving. She looked like she had been left in bed in a nursing home, without care, for quite a long time. I don't know if that's what happened. But that's what she looked like. Opal was not here very long when she was whisked to the ER and admitted to some hospital, maybe locally, I'm not sure. She was gone for maybe a month.

I did not really think she would return. Then, all of a sudden, without much notice, she was back. She was a little more active and could actually feed herself in the dining room. I thought maybe she was on the mend. After her return, I noticed most of her hair is very thin. The remaining hair is combed over the large bald spots she has. For a while there she was talking a bit. The aides talk to her giving her care, even if she does not answer. I'm sure they want to let her know what they're doing.

But Opal's ability to feed herself didn't last long – perhaps a week to ten days. Then she started to slow down. She did everything slower, hardly talked, and hardly moved.

It's almost painful watching her. Her feet are hanging free from her wheelchair at angles. I wonder how they can be comfortable that way.

Last week she could feed herself a bit and then she was assisted with the rest of her meal. This week she sits silent, eyes mostly closed, and in the last few days drool hangs from her mouth and chin. It is devastating to watch. I almost feel like I want to run from her. I wonder if whatever has gotten hold of her might reach out and grab hold of me and pull me to the place where she is and cause me to be immobile.

If I were the nurse, I would want to send her out to the hospital to find out what's going on. But perhaps, they already know what's going on.

Opal is caught somewhere in the life that we may experience a bit of when we're asleep. During sleep, we are helpless to stop sleeping and wake only when our brain allows us to.

I just wonder if there's any way to help Opal.

Impending spring

Actually, spring is already here. It's visible in so many ways. The house across the street has hyacinths and daffodils greening up. They will bloom before long.

Yesterday I changed the backgrounds on my desktop and my laptop. I was looking for photos of trees whose buds were about to open. It's very hard to find such a photo. I found one for my desktop but it is not the right size to cover the whole background. Maybe I should try one of those stock photo sites. Sometimes I do well just finding a photo a person took, posted online, and it's free to use. But I guess I did not look well enough.

Usually I just pick a photo that has tulips blooming and green grass and use it until summer really starts. But not this year. I wanted something that looked more like the early part of the spring. There is something definitely to see there.

The canopy of tree limbs over a road which are just about to bloom would be a wonderful photo to see. Unfortunately, not many of those photos must be taken. Photographers probably wait until just a bill later when there are actual leaves. But then they miss something. They miss the becoming part. It's interesting to see how living things become what they are.

It's too bad I never got to be the photographer I wanted to be. I know I see many things with a photographer's eye. When I figured out how to set up a potential photo in the camera's frame, I learned something vital. Things have to be put in their context, and shown at their best.

I'm sure I was proud of my photos when I first took them. There was the whole other dimension of getting them developed. There was anticipation to see how they turned out. There was also fear that it might be a missed shot. That's why I always took more than one – just to be sure.

One of the last times I looked at the album of our family's trip to Niagara Falls in 1964, I remember I was astounded at the quality of those black-and-white photos. Something in them surprised me. Black-and-white did not seem to be a lack of color. Black-and-white seemed to highlight the froth of the water, and the richness of the black shadows. It made Niagara Falls look more intense, mysterious, and otherworldly.

I was surprised at the power of a photo taken with the seriousness and the heartfelt enthusiasm of a neophyte.