Laughing at tension, or not

I go through life observing a lot. The reason for this is because when you have a disability you have to learn and adapt to the pace of others. They end up being your helpers so you have to get to know them and try to understand them. Some days I do a better job than others. Today was not one of them.

An aide I will call "J" has been here on and off for over five years. She is young enough to be a grandchild – if I had gotten started early having children. Otherwise, she could be a younger daughter if I had a child in my 40s – which I think would've been doubtful. But, you kind of get the idea, there's a generational gap or more between us.

It's not that I don't like "J", I do. At least I like her to an extent. She's a single mom with three children. I don't know anything about what's going on in her life because I don't have children. But I have an appreciation for children and I can understand that they have many needs. I also understand that a person in their late 20s, especially a female, has things she wants out of life. I can only wonder what it's like inside "J's" brain.

"J" is a whirlygig, a flibbertigibbet, a will of a wisp, and sometimes a clown. But today was not one of those times. Today she was being a bit too bipolar for me. She was already hyped and running on 78 when 33 1/3 what have been just the right pace.

I made it through my shower, through breakfast, after breakfast, through the morning, and was doing okay until lunchtime. "J" on the best day is hard to follow. At lunch time she was tossing my salad and getting it everywhere. It's not really her fault. We eat food on a tray similar to what they used on the M*A*S*H TV show – except ours are plastic. She had no rim to keep the lettuce in. So it was going everywhere. There was not much lunch to lose and I was trying to encourage her to hold onto my portion of it.

But, "J" was still having a difficult time and dropping my entrée, sometimes liberally, on the towel that was on the front of me for protection. I was wanting to dodge the spills. I didn't really know what to do. I should have laughed, it would have changed everything – I just know it. But I did not laugh. I asked if she could be careful. That was not good, I know.

I think "J" may have given the "hairy eyeball" to one of the other aides in the dining room indicating that she wanted help. All of a sudden a resident in the back dining room started to act up. His aide was getting frustrated and felt she needed a break. Was this a set up? I wondered…

Nevertheless, I crossed my fingers mentally hoping that the aides would swap spots so I could have a less messy feeder on this day. A few minutes later that's exactly what happened. Another aide "JJ" came to feed me. I said, "Oh, thank God you're here. I thought I was going to have to kill "J"". She smiled and fed me the rest of my entrée.

It would have been nice if the day had stopped right there. But it didn't. It went on and got much worse. My nerves were racked and rattled and I blew up at "J".

That's what happens some days when you don't remember to laugh when things are frustrating. I usually laugh when it's funny. But, sometimes I need to remember to laugh to break the tension.