Will I have to move?

Though I don't really want to think about it, I know maybe tomorrow, or the next day, I could get the hearing decision. The hearing officer could find in the facility's favor and I would have to move to another nursing home.

The discharge date on the 30 day Involuntary Discharge Notice is August 30, 2017. But, sometimes you can negotiate with the facility to move at a more convenient time. However, sometimes you can't.

I can't really live in the future. But, I would have liked to have cleaned out some of my things, before I have to move. I was able to do that when I was involuntarily discharged from my previous facility. It's hard to do after living somewhere for years. Things build up, and pile up, and unfortunately, things get out of hand.

I don't really want to think about moving. The facility assures me I will not have to pay to move. But my sister had to pay the last time. I had to hire someone to help me pack and my sister and a couple of friends were able to help me free gratis. Now, my sister does not live close. I don't even know if she would be willing to come and stay here for a couple of days to help me get moved. I no longer have the financial resources to hire things done. Even back then, my sister would not let me reimburse her for the movers she hired to move my things to a storage unit, 80 miles from where I live now.

It's so hard to think about these things right now. Involuntary discharge seems so upsetting that I can't even hardly think about it. After the last hearing, at my previous facility, the hearing decision came about a week later. But, it was a different hearing officer and a different county in the same state.

I wanted to go to the Common Pleas Court back then and get a stay so that I would not have to move. But, I did not know how to go about it. I also could not find an attorney to represent me. Each attorney I called said they were connected with the prosecutor's office and therefore could not enter into a lawsuit against a state government entity. I never thought about asking the Court about procedure to get legal representation. It just seemed as though I couldn't fight it. Then, I proved that was right by not even trying.

I've already asked the ombudsman what the process is if I lose the hearing. She says I contact the County Common Pleas Court, and I must plead indigence to get a court appointed attorney. I don't suppose that's something I can do ahead of time.

My sister thinks I should just move if that's the hearing officers finding. My friend from church visited yesterday and she said if you lose the hearing, then maybe God wants you to do something else.

Maybe that's a good way to look at it. Looking at it as a spiritual assignment, could have an upside. But, right now, I'm just sad, and it all just seems to be too much.

Beth was really talking…

I've written here previously about a young female resident here who is very quiet. In fact, some days she is barely animated. I wonder if she suffers from aphasia. But, since no one may tell us a resident's diagnosis, I have no idea what her problem is. Some of it could be medication. Unfortunately, it could be due to the fact that she was not stimulated enough at a previous facility. That would be particularly heartbreaking to me.

I have been sitting close to her and I will call her by her name, Beth since March of this year. I have to say it's been hard watching her. In the beginning she had to be fed. She also has to drink many liquids to keep her kidneys functioning properly. It was difficult to watch the process. Then, a couple of months ago an aide encouraged her to eat her food herself. And for some reason, Beth decided to. She's been feeding herself ever since.

Some days it's more difficult for Beth to eat, particularly when she's tired. She also has intermittent episodes of rapid eye movement while her eyes are open. To me, this looks like a seizure. But, I have no idea what is going on when it happens.

Beth is a good eater and likes most foods, even though her foods are puréed to prevent her from choking.

Today was just another day, but Beth was a bit less animated. She had a messy sandwich to eat and her aide was assisting so the sandwich wouldn't end up everywhere. Beth was stalling at times and acting like she wasn't paying very much attention. But, when encouraged, she would go back to eating.

Ruby a resident (not her real name) is a former nurse and she is very concerned about everyone at our table. She sits directly across from Beth and is usually checking up on how she's doing. Ruby wants to help but really can't and the staff don't want her to. Nevertheless, she asks way too many questions and checks up on Beth even when she doesn't remember her name.

At lunch Ruby picked up Beth's tray card and was reading it. She read the name out loud and thought it was my name. I tilted my head towards Beth to let her know it was her name. Then, Ruby just kept saying Beth's name (first and last) over and over. It was starting to get a bit tedious and her aide asked her to please try to stop.

While that same aide was assisting Beth to drink her liquids, all of a sudden Beth said, "Ta da! I'm here. I was somewhere else, but now I'm here, back here". Then Beth repeated it over and over while smiling. Ruby with her reduced memory even noticed that Beth was making a big to do.

In the months I've been sitting at Beth's table, she is never smiled. We all smiled when we heard her her respond without anger, and because we thought she was trying to be funny or maybe just cantankerous.

Cheeseburgers at 2 PM

I haven't had a real deal cheeseburger in years. The truth is I stopped eating them. When the cheese on them bothered my belly, I gave them up.

I haven't eaten a burger with cheese at this nursing home in the last four years. I also don't get them when I go out. There are just so many other foods I'd rather eat. I always enjoy salad and hope when I go out the produce will be fresh. Since the salads here are small, going out for one is a treat.

Despite, how large, or small, lunch is, an hour and a half later, the residents have their snack. They usually eat snack foods, like cakes, candy or cheese curls, since some residents need soft foods for their lack of teeth or neurological problems.

On this particular day lunch was a turkey and cheese wrap, with little turkey and cheese. It what have been better with shredded lettuce on it. There was also a tomato and cucumber salad with vinaigrette dressing and a small pie tart with tapioca and whipped topping. It was a light lunch on a warm, humid day.

After lunch I was back in my room working away on my desktop. My aide knocked and said the facility was treating us to McDonald's double cheeseburgers at snack time. She wondered if I wanted one. I thanked her and told her I didn't.

I thought maybe this was some special event. But the facility does this periodically. They usually pick a reasonably priced McDonald's sandwich or treat and provide it free for the residents, on no particular schedule. I'm sure the residents were pleased.

But I was thinking about it. Is it really such a good idea to give these residents, many of whom are overweight, such a calorie laden snack? I know it's a treat, and it doesn't happen often. But, I really think that another summer treat would have been better. What about old-fashioned big watermelons cut up for the residents to eat? Some type of ice cream snack (frozen hard) would have been good also. The ice cream would've had less fat than the double cheeseburger.

Oh, I guess I should just be quiet. I'm sure the residents appreciated an unexpected snack. My roommate must've found it filling because she skipped dinner last night.

Touchpad trouble causes an aide walkout

This morning when my aide "J" set me up at my desktop. my touchpad when work properly. I have no idea why this happens, but it does every now and then. I asked "J" to unplug the touchpad and replug it. But, that didn't help. I told her I would have to do something else so that I could get the touchpad to work. After all, I use Dragon speech recognition software which allows me to dictate and do voice commands on my desktop PC. I need to have the touchpad work properly. I also have never used Dragon to navigate completely by voice.

But even though I needed "J's" assistance to shut down my PC to try to get the touchpad working, she did not want to help me. "J" said it was working some and she walked out. The pointer was moving a bit but it was very difficult to control.

When an aide walks out, it just feels like abandonment. I wanted so to cry. But I knew that would do me in emotionally and I also would not get my touchpad working. So, I sniffed and straightened up. Using my thumb I was able to maneuver the pointer to open a user file for Dragon so it could be used.

Then, I put my call light on, and wondered if I get an aide who was more willing to help me, and who that would be.

I waited there praying that a different aide would come in.

A few minutes later JJ came in, and asked what I needed. I told her I was having trouble with my touchpad. I asked her if she would be willing to unplug the touchpad and clean the USB port on my tower and the plug for the touchpad. Surprisingly, she agreed, and JJ got an electric wipe and cleaned both of them off. When she re-plugged the touchpad, it worked. I thanked her immensely for her assistance.

"J" did not come back to check on me until an hour or so later. I guess maybe that was okay because she was not in a great mood this morning anyway.

Maybe "J" asked JJ to come and assist me if I had trouble with my desktop PC. Sometimes, one aide is better dealing with certain issues than others.

As the hours tick by…

It all comes down to what one man, the Administrative Law Judge decides after he reads all the evidence exhibits from yesterday's hearing.

Though I watched his face carefully, I'm not quite sure what he was thinking. At one point, I thought he felt beleaguered at the numerous allegations by the nursing home. But then, he did ask me if I would be willing to be pushed in my power chair if necessary. I did, however, have to tell him that if I do not operate the power chair, I would lose my function in my hand to do so. I remembered I went several months in 1998 being pushed in my manual chair because my older power chair died. But I was younger then, and had more function. Nevertheless, at the age of fifty, it was difficult to get used to operating a power chair when I got a new one.

To me, being involuntarily discharged to another nursing home because I'm considered a danger here, will have a negative impact on me. But, I wonder if the hearing officer wonders if I might be experiencing retaliation here because the facility wants me involuntarily discharged. If I were him, hearing what I heard, I would wonder about it also.

Down deep he will have to consider what's best for the facility and for me. I was somewhat surprised that in July the facility wanted me admitted to the psych unit at the local hospital, and intended to involuntarily discharge me from there. But, my psychiatrist felt what the facility wanted to do would be quite detrimental to me. The psychiatrist meant the psychiatric unit would be a big change for me. Also, psychiatric units usually do not have sufficient staff to care for quadriplegics. I learned that when I was a psychiatric unit patient. But, I'm sure he also thought if I were involuntarily discharged from the psych unit it would be devastating to me as well.

The last time I was in a psych unit was in 2003. After that, my previous facility never tried to send me again. I think they realized how traumatic those psych unit stays were four me.

As the hours tick by, it just feels like demons are circling and preparing to scream at me. Some of my friends and family May think it's almost over. But but I wonder what's over? Is my period of living at this facility about to be over? I don't know if that is a victory. It did not feel like a victory when I was involuntarily discharged here seven years ago. The only positive back then was that I was leaving behind those who made allegations about me. It was healing to me that they could never do it again. But, I also knew, that when I arrived here a whole different staff whose would be writing in my chart while they did right, as well as what I did wrong – in great detail.,

I remember some people used to think that God Keeps a big book on each of us. He writes down the good things we do, and also the bad.

It was interesting that during the facility's testimony yesterday a nurse manager read a chart note "Kathy gets along well with residents". After all the allegations I wondered why they chose to read that document.

I don't envy the hearing officer his decision. I would not want to make a decision based on the testimony given yesterday.

Accusations abound

Last night I woke from a nightmare where my dad and I were yelling at each other. Since my father has been dead for thirty-five years, I wondered if I was getting a message from him. In the dream, I told him about the involuntary discharge hearing and what facility management might accuse me of at the hearing. He and I were discussing it back and forth. My dad was striving, as usual, to give other accusations the facility might use, in order that he would sound worse to me than management ever could. My dad was really hurting me with his very on target accusations. In the dream, I start yelling at him to stop saying such awful things because they sounded worse coming from him than from facility management.

I woke with that dream (maybe nightmare) replaying in my mind this morning. As I entered the hearing room I was trying to get a sense of the room. I didn't feel any negative vibrations, which surprised me. I do seem to feel negative vibrations frequently coming from others. The people there seemed disinterested, at least on the outside.

It's not easy sitting and listening listening to accusations about me being piled one upon the other, like so many rocks. They say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But words can hurt, as their words hurt me this morning. Coming from the lips of another, I sounded nothing like the person I feel I am. Have I changed since I came here almost seven years ago? I'm sure I probably have. I wonder how much I've changed since I moved to a nursing home over twenty-one years ago. How much of the essential me have I lost? How much nicety have I given up?

I realize taking care of over forty dissimilar residents with cognitive impairments living together in this facility isn't easy. But, what is the alternative? If I am a menace, isn't everyone here one?

The Administrative Law Judge took many documents as evidence exhibits. Because there were so many, which he must read, he says his decision will not be ready tomorrow.

The ombudsman told the Administrative Law Judge the facility did not meet their burden of proof with what was presented. They had no documented proof I was a danger: there was no evidence that I injured anyone or that I destroyed or damaged their property. They also showed no special preventative measures they took to ensure the safety of individuals in this facility.

I told the judge that I voluntarily lowered the speed on my chair to 3 so that others might feel more comfortable.

Is my chair somewhat difficult to control? I think it is and management knows it. I question why they did nothing more about it than what I managed to force the vendor and manufacturer to do. But, I know another chair could also be dangerous.

I wonder what decision the hearing officer will make. I also wonder if he understands what actually caused this involuntary discharge notice.

Trying to be like Job

When things are going wrong in your life, it pays to remember stories in the Bible. One of those is the Book of Job. It tells the story of a well-off man and his family and what happens when God tests him to see how he reacts to negative circumstances. So, Job has to lose everything, his affluence, and his family. And yet, he still does not turn against the God who is supposedly responsible for what has happened.

Then, to make matters worse, Job's friends come to tell him how awful he looks and ask how he will never recover from what has happened to him. With friends like that, who needs enemies? But, in real life we all have some friends who would reacts like that. Whoever wrote that book, knew a lot about human nature.

As I try to ready myself for the hearing tomorrow here, I wonder if I can be a bit like Job. I have never had all he had plus a family and then lost it, like he did. So, I really have nothing to compare to his travails. But, in my own way, my situation is momentous. I feel like I'm losing my sense of identity and the life I have grown into over the last six plus years.

It's hard to explain how you feel when you're challenged. I do not feel like "individuals in this home are endangered" because of me. But, management does and that's the crux of it.

The ombudsman who will represent me asked if I wanted to do a short presentation of how I got where I am. I guess by that she means living in this nursing home 80 miles or more away from my home.

Maybe explaining it just a little will put things into perspective. But I don't know. I'm sure the hearing officer hears stories about residents all the time at hearings. I'm sure that many of them cannot even show up and speak for themselves. Perhaps few residents fight involuntary discharge. I wonder how many families would fight one for their loved one.

I sort of know I'm an atypical resident. No matter where I go it will be difficult for me to fit in. I'm a square peg in a round hole. But I'm trying to make the best of it.

I would like to tell them that what I want to do is contribute to life because I can. I don't want to let my disability, short staffing, bad attitudes, or preconceived notions keep me from doing what I love.

I love writing and keeping busy. I love telling my stories. I really think they help others.

Let's hope the facility can't quite come up to their burden of proof. I have not endangered others, and I will stand on that.

Angry Arthur

Arthur is not his real name, but that's what I'll call him. He came here in the spring of 2015. The other nursing home where he lived apparently was having trouble with him.

Arthur moved into a semi private room a couple of doors up on the other side of mine. He would not let the aides shower him because he wanted to be independent did not want to be observed. He's a former military man and quite regimented. Back then, he was able to walk pretty well, but slowly.

Arthur would not let the aides shave him. He wanted to do it himself. The aides started getting Arthur up at 6 AM. That way, he could wash up and shave himself, which took a chunk of time, and make it to 8 AM breakfast.

Arthur did bond with Buford,  another older resident. I don't know that they talked all that much, but Arthur felt comfortable being with another man close to his age. Arthur also watched out for a young mentally challenged man who still sits at his table.

After a few weeks, the aides got used to Arthur. But, once in a while he would show his wrath. Arthur tended to defend residents who were asking for things loudly. He did this particularly when he felt the staff was not responding quickly enough. Arthur also stepped in and pointed out what other residents needed. Sometimes a verbal sparring match would ensue afterwards.

But, most the time Arthur went to meals, and back to his room. He shut the door and I have no idea what he did to pass the time.

For quite a while his granddaughter came and visited. She seemed to be his bright spot. Over time, he got more contentious with her. She was his only family contact.

Arthur was in a semi private room until Buford passed away. A few weeks later he was offered Buford's private room, and he moved in. Management probably breathed a sigh of relief because his granddaughter had come in several times to clean up the bathroom in his semi private room.

As 2017 has progressed, Arthur is more cantankerous. He doesn't want the ceiling fans on in the dining room. For quite a while, Arthur as though everyone he runs this facility and can decide what happens. He wanted the fans off and turned them off. He was then told he cannot make that decision. When things do not go his way he gets affronted and sometimes throws things or hits people.

The last couple of months Arthur has been in his room most of the time. The aides say because of his ire, his granddaughter no longer visits. Some days he does not come to breakfast. Today, I thought he would also miss lunch. Then, he entered the dining room, and smacked his tray from the hands of the aide who was delivering it. Despite that, he just sat down and dietary served him another.

Arthur's walk is much stiffer and I wonder if he's in pain. It seems like everything and everyone is getting to him. Though it's painful to watch, I understand how he feels.

I wonder if Arthur's depression is talking, and acting out, and not him.

Power chair's role in the Involuntary Discharge Notice

Management thinks me using a power chair is a danger to other residents. Management feels I tried to hurt other residents with my power chair. On July 11, the day I was hot and frustrated, I did not know where to go. Eula warned me if I went in any direction I would be in trouble. So, I started turning in circles thinking I was not threatening that way. Then, the chair swung a bit wide and my backpack hit an old payphone and my controller got broken.

The chart notes say that I tried to hit the nurse practitioner. It also says I swore and cursed and said I wanted to kill staff. The whole thing did not last long. I don't think I was going that fast. The chair must have veered to the right for me to have hit that old payphone.

This power chair has caused me a lot of frustration for over a year. If I looked at all the emails and notes I wrote about it, I would be quite discouraged. But, we cannot make the power chair the villain. If I would try that, it would just mushroom.

In an effort to calm things, I am running my chair in speed 3. I was doing that up until the end of May when I switched to speed 4 because it gets me where I want to go with less effort. But I could be going a bit too fast for my own good.

This chair seems to swing wide when it takes a corner. It is center driven and that type of power chair backs up a little bit to turn. That might be why I feel like the backend of the chair is fishtailing when I turn.

I've gone to the slower speed today. It was easier to control the chair. It does not go as fast but it moves along.

I don't want to be perceived as a threat. I don't want residents and visitors here to be afraid that I will hit them.

I've also noticed that residents do seem to be piling up in the hallways a lot. They all look like they're looking for something. Maybe they're hoping someone will come.

In an effort to keep using my power chair and be safe, going down one speed is an easy thing to try.

Dennis's attempt at independence

When the power chair doesn't run correctly, or if the resident becomes menacing with it, should it be taken away? I'm not sure anybody knows the answer to that question, for sure. But I do have some information from what has occurred at this facility.

Dennis was a resident here for a few years who could not motivate a manual chair at all. When he was more verbal, he told me all the time that he wanted a power wheelchair like mine. I told Dennis I did not know if he could operate it. I thought Dennis could not motivate a manual chair due to neurological problems. I sensed those neurological problems would not allow him to use a power wheelchair. Dennis was also over sixty when he was asking for a power wheelchair.

I never thought therapy would seriously consider getting him one, but I never told him that. Then, one day the vendor delivered a power chair for Dennis. I wondered if they allowed him to test drive one. I remembered working with a client of the disability agency (where I worked) in the 80s. She was quadriplegic and wanted a power chair. No one knew if she could operate it properly. I suggested the vendor put her in one and let her try it out at a gymnasium somewhere. I thought that large area would give them and her an idea if she could run it adequately and safely. Unfortunately, I never got to see what happened with her because I was separated from that job not long after.

But here, Dennis had a tough time running the power chair. He struggled so with it in the hallway. I knew the chair was quite fast and that it took some coordination to use its joystick. Most of the time Dennis was trying very hard to use the joystick to get that chair to crawl up or down the hallway or into or out of the dining room. I actually think the aides ran the chair more than he did. They pushed the joystick to move him along.

In a sense Dennis never felt the joy or freedom of using a power chair. I know he was not confident in it. I could see the struggle on his face when he tried to use the joystick. I was very careful around him because I know how quickly power chairs can move.

Dennis had the chair maybe a couple of months. Sometimes he ran into doorways. Then, one day he got too close to the small wall drinking fountain, the chair went forward and knocked it off the wall. Previously, his collisions were minor. But after the drinking fountain incident, the power chair was taken away..

Dennis was back in his manual chair and had to wait to be pushed everywhere.

I think Dennis got a chair for several reasons. The power chair was more comfortable. It could be tilted and reclined so he could rest in it without getting into bed. I guess therapy thought they saw potential freedom and independence for Dennis and less work for the aides. However, in the end he could not use it.

Medicaid recertification under the Affordable Care Act (ACA)

On October 1, 2016 the state of Ohio expanded Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act (ACA). There were changes in eligibility determination for people like me over a certain income. I had to set up a Qualified Income Trust (QIT) and all my funds that go to the nursing facility and that pay my other itemize expenses go into that account.

I wondered how eligibility would be under that new system. Well, I found out. I just got the form. It ended up being twelve pages long.

But the good news is, there wasn't much that I had to fill out. I just had to reenter identification information, my tax status, my employment status, my insurance status, and questions about income and filing taxes.

Even though the form is lengthy, there are many parts that do not apply to me. I was able to breeze through it pretty quickly and complete it.

In previous years I was asked for bank statements, tax returns, my on hand cash balance, and if there were any other bills that I was paying that Ohio Job and Family Services did not know about. It wasn't really that difficult. I got used to that system. Now I have to learn another new system.

I may do what I did last year and again in January, send my financial information to Ohio Job and Family Services anyway. That way they will know exactly what my status is.

The strangest question on the form was if I would allow Ohio Job and Family Services to access my IRS records and if so, for how many years. I agreed today they could do it for one year. I thought if there was any problem and they needed more records, they could contact me.

Sending out the application, and allowing the ability to do it online has to be a lot easier on everyone. I just wonder why the old eligibility criteria, at least some of the financial stuff, does not seem to be required.

In previous years, I was notified by phone that my recertification had gone through. This year that process may be different since they have my email address.

Being able to email Job and Family Services would be so much easier, and would involve less expense than faxing applications and documentation.

What happened going to be ophthalmologist

Today I had an ophthalmologist appointment at 1:30 p.m. I was told I'd be picked up by the ambulette at 1 PM. I asked if I could eat an early lunch to ensure I'd be ready.  I knew other residents had to be cared for. We were also shorthanded. We had three aides instead of the scheduled five. I knew it would be difficult to feed me early

My early lunch was only about ten minutes earlier than noon. I felt really awful sitting at my usual table with other residents and getting my tray first. One female resident tried to grab it thinking it was hers. She doesn't say much. But when I told her I had to eat early to go to the doctor, she apologized for grabbing it. I told her not to worry about it. Nevertheless, I still don't like, and don't feel comfortable, eating when other residents aren't.

Then, I had to wait for the nurse for meds after lunch. Due to short staffing the nurses assisted my aide so I could get a bathroom break before leaving.

I still waited thirty minutes for the ambulette to show up. Then, the paratransit bus dropped off the resident who attends developmental disability workshop. I'm sure the ambulette driver was not happy about that.

When I approached the ambulette, it had a side lift, which they never send. The ambulette driver told me I had to back onto the lift. Ambulance companies usually NEVER let riders back onto a lift. When I asked the driver to guide me while I went backwards, she said she couldn't. So, the facility transportation aide who went along tried. But I pulled too far to my right slick and got caught on one side of the lift. The medical transportation aide thought I was permanently stuck, and went to the building to get help. In the meantime, I got the ambulette driver to rock my power chair a bit to to get me unstuck.

Then, she put the power chair in freewheel mode and backed me on manually. Unfortunately, I was told I had to be tied down facing sideways. I appealed to her to let me face forward because I get nauseated riding sideways. But she said I had to do what policy said.

It was hot in the ambulette and I had to wait a bit for the driver to get in and turn on the air conditioning. But when she did, it felt much better. It was a bumpy ride to the doctor's office. When we arrived, the driver started to unfold the lift and an alarm went off. The lift would not lower. The driver said a piece was broken where I got caught. So, the driver lowered it manually.

The the ambulette driver told the medical transportation aide that she could only lower me once, and then her ambulette would be out of service. The driver told the facility medical transportation aide she would have two take me back to the facility. She said the only other ambulette had no air conditioning and was 50 miles away.

The ride back was better and much less bumpy in the facility's minivan. I felt awful that the flipper plate on the ambulette lift might be broken. But I'm hoping it is an easy fix.

No longer feeling like a hoarder

In July when I inadvertently hit the nonfunctioning payphone on the wall in the front lobby, the zipper on my backpack was smashed. I got a new backpack about a week ago. But, as of yesterday, no aide has had the time to transfer my things from the old backpack to the new one.

My friend, Rush visited and when I asked her she would help, and she said she would. The aides said the backpack had too much in it. But, since I don't put extra things in it, I wondered why it was bulging. Oh by the way, I never get to look inside.

When it was opened, I found out. There were napkins and tissues galore balled up in it. We also found three four ounce containers of applesauce, peanut butter packs from dietary, mayonnaise packs, empty packaging and gum wrappers. There was also old medical appointment info, shopping lists, and some miscellaneous papers. We threw all the obvious trash away, and I get rid of extra things things in the backpack I no longer need. I threw away a small tube of toothpaste, an old container of sunscreen, some nursing home skin lotion, and old packs of gum.

When we were finished, there was a sizable bag of trash to be thrown away. I was pleased. We were able to get my things easily into the new, smaller backpack.

My friend Rush discovered that there was melted chocolate at the bottom of the backpack. I told her my sister Janice, probably dropped a chocolate covered mint in it, which I forgot about.

The new backpack does not open at the top. But, we were able to get what I use inside it.

Now that my backpack has been emptied, I no longer feel like a hoarder.

My mother always told me to clean out drawers, closets, and other spaces, because it's good for my mental health.

Planning my defense

Sometimes I wonder how I can prepare the best defense. Involuntary discharge is never a good thing. No one wants to have "eviction" on the record. I would like to have that expunged at any cost. But can I?

I wonder what incidents the facility will bring up to say that I am endangering other residents. They say I tried to hurt people with my power chair. That is really strange for someone who has been hurt several times by this new power chair and a few times by older ones.

I won't say that power chairs aren't dangerous, they are. But this one has been particularly so.

So far, I have found two incidents where I lost control of my power chair temporarily. It was not my fault. The joystick was not where I could reach it properly. One time the left arm rest had been upended a bit by the Hoyer lift. The second time I think I was tired or overwrought after a tense meeting about care issues. I also had just started a higher dosage of an antidepressant. I know that they can cause dizziness and lightheadedness – which could have been a contributing factor in a navigational error on my part.

But, realistically I know that I cannot fight the nursing home's he said to my she said. I can say what I thought happened and what I did. Beyond that it's the administrative law judge's responsibility to make the determination.

None of us has the wisdom of Solomon. None of us knows who exactly is telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We all will think we are telling a version of the truth.

Am I too flamboyant with my chair? I don't think so. I have pushed things with it like furniture, chairs, my bed. I have accidentally rolled over people's feet. They have also bumped me with the chair and run over my feet with it accidentally. I guess if I want to doubt that I could. But I don't really want to. I believe them.

I don't how this thing will come out. I have to pray for Solomon's wisdom in order to figure out my best defense of me.

Newspapers are changing their tactics

I was curious to see how the newspapers would change after President Trump was inaugurated. At first, they were just telling tales. They wrote every awful,, stupid thing that Trump said or did. I sort of expected. But I knew it would get old soon.

Apparently the readership is not as interested in all of Trump's foibles. I have noticed that newspapers and magazines are changing the reporting tactics.

There are more hard-nosed stories about the politics of other countries, terrorism episodes, and stories about immigration in other countries. I think that serves as a comparison to what happens in the US.

I don't see as many crime stories. There were many when Obama was president. There were also a lot of shootings. It seemed to me like there was an organized resistance to the openness of the Democrats under Obama. I always thought that was unfortunate. I wondered who might have fostered all of that. Was it our enemies in Iran and maybe Iraq? But, I thought most of it was home-based. Even though, many of the terrorists were immigrants. Many of the shooters in the multiple killings were not.

I'm sure talking about immigration control and watching the borders may stop some illegals from attempting to enter the country. Some may not be willing to take the risk with Trump as president. It also might keep a few criminals out of the country. They might think the police are looking a little harder now – which they may be.

I do miss the stories that were enlightening. There are still health and medical stories telling about end-of-life issues, managing illness, and the awful effects to everyone involved when a family member has Alzheimer's. But I miss the aspirational stories about artist: including those who paint, or appear on Broadway, and those who star in movies. Yes, they still have some informative profiles of artists. But there is something missing. Editors must feel they can't write as many soft stories now.

It looks like editors want to be up on the politics of the nation. I think we all feel they dropped the ball when most newspapers said Hillary would be elected almost no matter what. I remember a week before the election, the New York Times wrote that she had a 91% chance of being elected. If I had been Hillary, I would not have believed that. I wonder if she did?

The newspapers need to take an objective look at what's going on in this country and figure out what President Trump is doing. But, they need to have a bit of empathy for him in the job that was quite difficult for other presidents perhaps more talented and smooth than Trump. It's a difficult job for any person. Sometimes I feel the press is piling on which makes them much worse in Trump's eyes.

One thing I have to say about Trump. He has a lot of stamina. Throughout an eighteen month campaign we were not told, nor could we notice that he was ill. He also has been president for seven months and no one has reported that he has been sick. Nor has he coughed or sneezed in public. For a 70 year old man, Trump is healthy.

YouTube a place for respite

When YouTube first started I wondered why anyone would be interested in watching nondescript videos uploaded by those who took them. I figured it would be a bunch of amateur stuff.

Maybe it was amateur in the beginning. But now, it isn't. It's a wonderful place to go to learn about things. It's almost like going to another dimension. I can watch black-and-white movies from the 30s. Or, I can watch video of events which have happened recently in the world.

Last night I watched a documentary about the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. I learned some things I did not know. It was interesting to hear the Duke of Windsor speak when he was in his 70s. You can tell he did not care much for the monarchy, or his father who was king. He thought his father was too rough on him. He also ended up not caring much for his brother who became king after Edward abdicated.

It was a tense time in the world in the 1930s. I'm surprised England didn't make King Edward take off and never come back. It was interesting to hear what the documentary said about how the Duke and Duchess of Windsor lived their lives as traveling celebrities. It's also interesting that the Duchess didn't have much in her life after the Duke died.

Comedy is a big part of YouTube. It's always timely even if it's old videos of Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. I see clips of shows I know I saw first run on prime time – actually after prime time. But, back then, it was incredibly popular. Millions of people watched Johnny Carson. Many many more than watch the late-night shows of today. I remember Johnny Carson making me laugh, making me think, and introducing me to new animals. I remember watching Johnny Carson seemingly make a fool of himself for an audience that was laughing there butts off at him.

Who would've ever thought so many years later that we can look back at such things and remember. I don't know that life was any better then. But, the barriers are more easily defined. We knew who had what and we knew what we were. I was a part of "the people". I wasn't in the upper echelon. I wondered how people got into entertainment. I always thought it took a special type of person to be a star.

My mother who wanted to be an entertainer, told me that there are entertainers who never make it to the big time. She was convinced entertainers made it big because of talent, persistence, and a serendipity factor that no one could really define.

It's probably true that no one gets anywhere without the help or hindrance of others.

I guess we have the guys who came up with YouTube to thank for making our history more accessible. It seems to me that young people could learn so much by watching these old videos. I'm sure there are entertainers, young ones, who study them. It will be a great way to learn impressions. Up-and-coming comics or comedians could mimic their favorites by watching videos on YouTube.

It's nice to be able to watch something that's free. There are commercials and they do interrupt. But, the quality is good. Even the amateur type videos are interesting. Maybe we all are just gawkers and voyeurs who like to watch what others do – ad infinitum.

Things are breaking

Things which I need in my life, are breaking. For instance, my shower chair. The casters are getting rusty, and it's getting difficult to roll. It is only a little over two years old. But, without proper cleaning and maintenance things just don't do well. It's so hard to move, I'm freight the left rear caster is going to follow. Then, the chair will be unusable until new casters are ordered.

I used to buy my shower chair casters. At least I think I did. I had another shower chair at my previous facility and those casters lasted longer. Either that, or the nursing home replaced them and said nothing to me. I bought new casters in 2010 and asked the maintenance man there to put them on. I didn't realize until they were on that I received the wrong casters. The maintenance man never told me they were different from the casters which were on it. When I saw them, I was surprised. I was sent rubber casters. They're dangerous in nursing homes because rubber causes static which could make resident oxygen ignite..

The other broken thing is my over three year old black filing cabinet. They are not sturdy enough for nursing home use. The casters on the bottom are cheap and have broken off. The maintenance guy could not fix them. He put a 2 x 4 under the two drawer filing cabinet. That way the cabinet can't tip and the bottom won't get wet when the floor is mopped.

My sister emailed a year ago that Amazon sells little wheeled carts to put under heavy items, like portable washing machines. It looks like it will work under my black filing cabinet. But, the front of the black filing cabinet is sheet-metal and bunged up. It has been bumped by my power chair too much, when the aides park it. The drawers have a few bumps, and the top of the drawer sticks. Then, someone has to beat on it with something to unstick it.

Today, I looked for two drawer rolling, locking filing cabinets. I found some that were reasonably priced. The problem is the price is low enough that I'm sure they'll be poorly made. So I'm trying to decide what to do. I could order a stand with more drawers that are not as deep. That might mean they would be a little bit more sturdy. Since I don't put files in my filing cabinet anyway, drawers might be better.

I also discovered that there is a wheeled cart sold that would easily fit under a filing cabinet. The wheels are a bit better but it costs $69. Buying the filing cabinet and the wheeled cart will automatically UP THE PRICE. But I don't know if the two together would be safe.

I don't know whether to order a new two drawer locking filing cabinet with wheels – like I've had before. Or, order one without wheels and buy a furniture mover cart to go under it.

It's definitely a dilemma.

Enshrined in the sanctum

I guess I never really think about the fact that I'm stuck in one spot for several hours each day. I do get to ride around in my power chair. But I do it before, and right after meals. After that, I'm back in my room at my desktop where I am not able to move around at all.

Here, resident smokers go out seven times a day two smoke. The times are: 9 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m., 4 PM, 6 PM, 8 PM, and 10 PM. I think has a lot of smoke breaks and it takes up quite a bit of time. I came from a nursing home where there were four smoke breaks a day. But, residents were allowed to smoke two cigarettes, at break, compared to one cigarette at break here. There, only one staff member took smokers out, or sat with them during their smoke break. Here two staff have to do it.

While I like to go out when the weather is nice, that hardly ever happens. I'm not allowed to go out of this locked facility without a facility staff person, family member, or friend with me. So, that means I'm in here, inside the facility, in my sanctum, most of the time.

I can't say I mind because I like being busy. Being on my desktop or laptop, keeps me connected to the outside world. To me, it seems more personal than watching television. I like the idea that articles written for publications on the Internet let readers make comments. I definitely enjoy reading them.

I also like to be up-to-date on the news, the weather, and the state of the world. I know some days the news is not good. But, it's better if I no what's going on.

I also like to write and while I can have ideas when I'm not near a computer. It's a lot easier to put them down in a usable format, if I'm at a computer. Sometimes I feel like I am as attached to my computers as some people are to their smart phones. But, I do give it a rest. I stop at night when I go to sleep. Actually, I stop about a half-hour before that. I do not go back to my computer until way after the next morning's breakfast. Would I like to know what's going on in between? Sort of, but I don't want to interrupt my sleep to find out.

Still, it would be nice to think about being able to just mosey out of the building for ten or fifteen minutes for some sunshine and fresh air.

Then, I would head back to the sanctum, where I feel connected.

Keeping track of my stuff

I have been able to have anyone go to the basement check up on my belongings since 2011, or 2012. I was keeping things organized. Then, all of a sudden, years ago management did not want anyone but staff in the basement for security reasons.

But, with some coordination housekeeping would bring things up. About every three months we would change out my seasonal clothing and cleaned and straighten as much as we could. Many times we straighten the room, the furniture was dusted, and the floor. Many times it needed it badly.

Then I went off to work program, no longer have as much money on hand, and could no longer hire someone to take me out and straighten up my room. Getting used to less income was difficult.

I tried very hard to keep things organized. But it's harder without someone to help me. The aides do not have time and neither does activities. Although, some aides and some activity staff will help when they can.

I've tried to come up with a better system. But it's still not working the way I would like. I still have some clothing in my closet in early August that is too warm to wear now. However, I may be able to wear it in September, so I hate to pack it away somewhere.

Today, I had a discussion with a housekeeper. She said she wished she had all my clothes. I told her that she really doesn't. I said I need a better system to rotate my clothing and to get nonseasonal items out of my closet. I also said that a 29 inch closet is not big enough to keep my clothes arranged neatly.

I have a nursing home history that is twenty-one plus years long, and it's hard to get rid of some things. I got rid of many things almost seven years ago when I moved to this facility.

It's really hard for me to live my life life as though I will move in a week, or even a month. It doesn't give me much comfort that I don't know how I would move all this stuff if I absolutely needed to. I would have to go through it first. Or else I would have to move it, and then go through it.

Sometime in the future, facilities are going to have to make sure that they help residents keep control of their possessions.

I know from experience that every few months, I need to go through my things, donate some of them, and throw some out.,

Preparing for the Hearing

There's no way to prepare for an assault on your behavior and personality. The cause for involuntary discharge is because the safety of other residents of the facility is in danger.

I know I have never tried to hurt anyone. I made circles in the front lobby a couple of weeks ago, out of frustration, and everyone knows that. The administrator said some residents fear me. But I've seen no fear in any resident's eyes. But, there might be one of two of them who might be afraid of my power chair. But I go pretty slowly in the hallways.

So, I started writing a draft of the Request for Hearing letter that I have to send to the Department of Health. I have ten days to send it. It's already completed and I've emailed a draft to my sister and a friend for them to review for changes..

I'm also trying to make contacts with representatives of the Developmental Disabilities Council in my state. Since I was injured before the age of twenty-two, I'm considered developmentally disabled. I want to reach out to them to protect my rights.

The ombudsman was here today to discuss strategy. She asked if I wanted to move. I told her I did not want to stay, if management and staff wanted me to leave. Although, I did tell her that I did not feel I had done anything to endanger other residents here.

My sister and I had an end of the day discussion as we have had over the last several days. We sort of wish we could make some sense of this.

I asked the ombudsman if this is happening to anyone else. She told me she has many 30 Day Notices on her desk. She said she has no idea why there are so many right now.

The ombudsman was late getting here this afternoon which gave me pause. I actually skipped lunch to make sure that I was available for her. I also wanted to do necessary research and to write letters to other advocates in my state to try to get some perspective from them.

I'm a bit calmer than yesterday. I wonder if I can hold up to all this.

Getting a 30 Day Notice of Involuntary Discharge made me feel quite small. I just don't know what my personality has to do with healthcare. They know everyone has a right to dissent, as long as others are not hurt. This is America after all and that's what we are all about.