Accusations abound

Last night I woke from a nightmare where my dad and I were yelling at each other. Since my father has been dead for thirty-five years, I wondered if I was getting a message from him. In the dream, I told him about the involuntary discharge hearing and what facility management might accuse me of at the hearing. He and I were discussing it back and forth. My dad was striving, as usual, to give other accusations the facility might use, in order that he would sound worse to me than management ever could. My dad was really hurting me with his very on target accusations. In the dream, I start yelling at him to stop saying such awful things because they sounded worse coming from him than from facility management.

I woke with that dream (maybe nightmare) replaying in my mind this morning. As I entered the hearing room I was trying to get a sense of the room. I didn't feel any negative vibrations, which surprised me. I do seem to feel negative vibrations frequently coming from others. The people there seemed disinterested, at least on the outside.

It's not easy sitting and listening listening to accusations about me being piled one upon the other, like so many rocks. They say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But words can hurt, as their words hurt me this morning. Coming from the lips of another, I sounded nothing like the person I feel I am. Have I changed since I came here almost seven years ago? I'm sure I probably have. I wonder how much I've changed since I moved to a nursing home over twenty-one years ago. How much of the essential me have I lost? How much nicety have I given up?

I realize taking care of over forty dissimilar residents with cognitive impairments living together in this facility isn't easy. But, what is the alternative? If I am a menace, isn't everyone here one?

The Administrative Law Judge took many documents as evidence exhibits. Because there were so many, which he must read, he says his decision will not be ready tomorrow.

The ombudsman told the Administrative Law Judge the facility did not meet their burden of proof with what was presented. They had no documented proof I was a danger: there was no evidence that I injured anyone or that I destroyed or damaged their property. They also showed no special preventative measures they took to ensure the safety of individuals in this facility.

I told the judge that I voluntarily lowered the speed on my chair to 3 so that others might feel more comfortable.

Is my chair somewhat difficult to control? I think it is and management knows it. I question why they did nothing more about it than what I managed to force the vendor and manufacturer to do. But, I know another chair could also be dangerous.

I wonder what decision the hearing officer will make. I also wonder if he understands what actually caused this involuntary discharge notice.