As the hours tick by…

It all comes down to what one man, the Administrative Law Judge decides after he reads all the evidence exhibits from yesterday's hearing.

Though I watched his face carefully, I'm not quite sure what he was thinking. At one point, I thought he felt beleaguered at the numerous allegations by the nursing home. But then, he did ask me if I would be willing to be pushed in my power chair if necessary. I did, however, have to tell him that if I do not operate the power chair, I would lose my function in my hand to do so. I remembered I went several months in 1998 being pushed in my manual chair because my older power chair died. But I was younger then, and had more function. Nevertheless, at the age of fifty, it was difficult to get used to operating a power chair when I got a new one.

To me, being involuntarily discharged to another nursing home because I'm considered a danger here, will have a negative impact on me. But, I wonder if the hearing officer wonders if I might be experiencing retaliation here because the facility wants me involuntarily discharged. If I were him, hearing what I heard, I would wonder about it also.

Down deep he will have to consider what's best for the facility and for me. I was somewhat surprised that in July the facility wanted me admitted to the psych unit at the local hospital, and intended to involuntarily discharge me from there. But, my psychiatrist felt what the facility wanted to do would be quite detrimental to me. The psychiatrist meant the psychiatric unit would be a big change for me. Also, psychiatric units usually do not have sufficient staff to care for quadriplegics. I learned that when I was a psychiatric unit patient. But, I'm sure he also thought if I were involuntarily discharged from the psych unit it would be devastating to me as well.

The last time I was in a psych unit was in 2003. After that, my previous facility never tried to send me again. I think they realized how traumatic those psych unit stays were four me.

As the hours tick by, it just feels like demons are circling and preparing to scream at me. Some of my friends and family May think it's almost over. But but I wonder what's over? Is my period of living at this facility about to be over? I don't know if that is a victory. It did not feel like a victory when I was involuntarily discharged here seven years ago. The only positive back then was that I was leaving behind those who made allegations about me. It was healing to me that they could never do it again. But, I also knew, that when I arrived here a whole different staff whose would be writing in my chart while they did right, as well as what I did wrong – in great detail.,

I remember some people used to think that God Keeps a big book on each of us. He writes down the good things we do, and also the bad.

It was interesting that during the facility's testimony yesterday a nurse manager read a chart note "Kathy gets along well with residents". After all the allegations I wondered why they chose to read that document.

I don't envy the hearing officer his decision. I would not want to make a decision based on the testimony given yesterday.