Too much sadness

Some days living in a nursing home is just too much. There are too many noisy residents, sick residents, confused residents, loud music listening residents, and hospice residents. Nursing homes are a microcosm of society. Although there is little diversity here, except for a few blacks. The population is diverse because of the age range. We have residents in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. Not many other nursing homes have that array of ages. This nursing home is the first time I have experienced it.

Maybe that's why some days it grabs at my heart. I see residents able to walk around but who cannot care for themselves properly or live out on their own. Some have alcohol problems, drug problems, mental and emotional problems. I just wonder if some of them have ever lived on their own. All of them say they hate this place and yet it's the only place they have. Some of them have family visit and some never seem to have a visitor. It gives me unbelievable sadness.

The staff tries to help. In many ways they're victims here also. They need a job and it is less awful here than some other places. They're not taking constant care of bedridden residents who just have to be turned and changed. There are some residents like that, but not many. Those who live here are somewhat involved with the rest of the population at least on most days.

Sometimes the nurses and aides get to enjoy the victories the residents celebrate. But they also see the things that go bad, the surgeries, the illnesses, the family problems, and then they see the residents die one by one over time.

I see why on Fridays staff wants to run after getting off work. I understand why some of them want to drink to escape and try to feel lighter after being in this place all day.

I don't even know if more staff would remove the sadness. These people are so stuck. We are all on this voyage we call life together – residents and staff. Even though the staff are gone from here for several hours. Some tell me they hear call lights in their sleep and many dream about residents.

On days like today, there is no way for me to get away. Drinking isn't an option either. But I know that escapism doesn't work. I can watch a movie for a couple of hours and be gone into somebody else's life and problems. I'm usually so grateful that it's not my life or my problems. But then, I come back to what's going on in my life.

Right now I'm in my room alone writing. In a bit I'll be reading. Reading is escapism of a sort and because it is I am addicted to it. It is my only way out.