What will the Zoloft do?

I wanted my Zoloft increased. I came to this decision quickly even though I knew I was getting crabby and achy. My Zoloft dosage was lowered from 75 mg to 50 mg last July. The government wanted it not me. But I went along because my doctor said it could be raised again, if I wanted. I never did. I don't like taking medicine. It doesn't make me feel that good that I would want to keep taking more. Taking less sounded good. I thought maybe I would feel better. But, in the back of my mind I wondered if at some point, I might feel worse.

I have been on a lot of different antidepressants in the last 29 years. I began taking Prozac in 1988. My doctor told me if I didn't take it I would die. I don't know why I ever believed him. But, I was approaching 40, had lost my job, didn't have a clue about another one, and I was in a deep hole I needed to pull out of. I took the medicine which made me sick and sweaty for weeks. Eventually, after three months I was up and out of my house again. Another job followed but things never quite got back to the way they were.

Over the intervening years doctors and psychiatrists have tried different antidepressants. I have to admit I have also seen the ads on TV and requested particular antidepressants because of them. That probably was not always the best thing to do. However, we do what we do to get by.

I think the Zoloft increase was coming. I don't know that anyone would have suggested it. They probably would have been afraid I would hit the roof – and I might have. Taking drugs is not fun. They do good in one area and bad in others. There is always a trade-off. It is that way no matter what type of drug you take.

But I want to feel better. I also want my caregivers here to feel better about me. I want them to think I am trying. I see them point out the laziness and shiftlessness of some residents. That always hurts my heart because some of these people are the victims of circumstances. Some of those circumstances were caused by them, but many were caused by others, or were environmental. They are just here and I don't know that we should judge why.

Being called the crazy lady probably last week, did not do much for my self-esteem. I know it's an old saying that everybody here is nuts – it's a behavior facility. But, it's still old and tiring if you are me.

I have noticed I'm a bit calmer. Although, my stomach feels like a mess. I am bloated and gassy. But I have been feeling that way for a while. The brain, gut connection is not fully understood. But I'm sure – definitely – that there is one.

Therapy has worked with me. That has been a drudge and a blessing. Who would've thought that a therapist here would lower the back of my power chair seat to make me more comfortable? It may be that I forced that move, but I am so glad that it happened.

This facility has also, with the help of my friends and family, come to the realization that they need to always be changing and updating. They purchased a transfer belt for me. It looks like a piece of mountain climbing gear and probably is about that comfortable. To me it looks restrictive and I hate it. But I will use it if it allows me to stand to transfer.

I didn't know how important standing was until it was taken away.