… After a frenetic morning

This morning was the first day for the new shower aide. The former one was helping her. It didn't turn out to be a very good day. They seemed to have Hoyer trouble and maybe that was performance anxiety. I was afraid of what I was afraid of, and they were both afraid of me. I should've said something to make them feel better about doing me. I should've asked for their patience. When I'm stressed, I forget the game.

The game is to make people feel like they want to help you. You have to do that by praising them or trying to make them feel better about what they're doing for you. Well, I really screwed that one up this morning.

The Hoyer picked me up crooked and put me down the same way. Part of it keeps bumping my hands and my fingers. I try holding them together and it still does it.

I also get dizzy and a little nauseated when they use the Hoyer. This larger one moves really quickly. I think the other, older one, is more attuned to residents with memory problems or behavior disorders. It goes really slowly which is a friend when you're scared.

So I sounded off and preached loudly like a Baptist. But the only thing I didn't do was get white drool around my mouth which my mom said her aunt's preacher had when he exerted while preaching.

Then I had a bellyache, wanted to use the toilet, not the bedpan, and really felt queasy. I told them I would not eat unless they got me all ready:: hair combed, teeth brushed, nose blown, epilator used, and cream put on my face. Then, I said I wanted to be set up at my desktop PC. I didn't want have to look at the wall, without a call light.

The nurse wasn't happy but I got what I wanted, with some tongue clucking. Then nurse made me promise I would eat lunch. I told her I couldn't promise that for sure.

I didn't eat much lunch because I thought I could feel the ire from the aide who got one have of my tongue lashing this morning. Lunch wasn't going down right – and I left.

I got a talking to later by the admissions coordinator. I told her I was sorry but I was also afraid and really didn't know what to do. Feeling stranded makes me feel bad. I have no way to occupy myself. Lying down is not something I want to always do. But, I guess it's an option. I'm sure they'd like to tilt me in my power chair. But, that would not have alleviated my head rumble or bellyache.

Feeling like I was hunkered down, I asked for some supper. I gave them a three ounce can of tuna and dietary mixed mayonnaise with it, and put it on bread. They offered to do more. But Fritos were the rest of my meal.

I was busy writing away the bad stuff that was filling my soul, when I looked up and there was the admissions coordinator. I told her I hoped no one held a gun to her head so she would feed me. She said no one did. I tried to be funny, but didn't think it was appropriate.

She talked about her family – a safe subject. Her daughter called, the one who has trouble comprehending, and who also has behavior problems due to a birth injury. The little repartee, with her daughter, on speaker phone that her admissions coordinator mom shared with me, was cute. Her other daughter is in Pittsburgh in labor expecting a girl.

I told the admissions coordinator afterwards that she would get her reward in heaven, as my mother used to say. I also told her my dad said virtue is its own reward.

I don't even know if I told her Happy Thanksgiving. She told me to rest well and that she would be working tomorrow. All I said was, oh my.